Last update: December 04, 2016
We have relationships for a night, a few hours, a day or a month. Nothing that engages us, that makes us feel something that goes beyond desire, which means to love, to show feelings, tenderness or affection. Are we afraid of love?
We invent all kinds of excuses to justify ourselves, such as "I don't have time", "I love my freedom", "I want to be alone", “I don't want to commit myself”, “I don't want to be separated from my friends”; in fact, the point is that we are afraid of ourselves.
Find out what true love is
According to psychologist Walter Riso, we need to distinguish good love (healthy, coherent and constructive) from bad love (sick, inconsistent and destructive). True love always contains three elements, and if any of them are missing, sooner or later, suffering will make its entrance.
“There is only one true and authentic love. But there are many copies of love. "
(Francois de la Rochefocauld)
The three elements of true love are: Eros, Philia and Ágape. Eros is sexual desire and manifests itself with possession, with falling in love and with passion. This is the more selfish side of love. Philia is the friendship of a couple, which makes us transcend the self and pushes us to share. Ágape is selfless love, tenderness and delicacy.
Over time, during a couple's relationship, one element can predominate over the others, but all three must always be present. In this regard, it is important to specify that numerous experts from the University of Stony Brook, New York, have discovered that love can last over time.
These scientists carried out brain scans on several couples who had been together for 20 years and then on others whose relationship had just begun. Comparing the results, they realized that, among the mature couples, one in 10 had the same chemical reaction as the newly born couples. This shows that it is possible to maintain the same level of love even though many years have passed.
The causes of the fear of love
Fear of novelty and factors of potential exposure to suffering paralyzes us and prevents us from discovering true love. It is clear that some relationships work while others don't and that there is always a risk in all of this.
“I just need to look at you to know that my soul will merge with you”.
(Julio Cortazar)
We live in a society where everything happens very quickly, we don't stop to get to know people and we move from one relationship to another without allowing us to feel or enjoy someone's discovery. This is due to several factors, among which the following stand out:
I feel vulnerable
Starting a relationship makes us feel insecure and vulnerable, as we expose ourselves in front of another person and often it seems easier to strip our body than our soul. We feel we have no control over what might happen in the future and, therefore, we are afraid.
"If only we could have the courage to be alone and the audacity to risk being together."
(Eduardo Galeana)
We don't know each other, we don't trust each other, but knowing someone or having a relationship always involves a risk for the two people who are discovering each other. Saying what we feel or expressing our desires is important in creating a foundation of true love.
I remember they hurt me in the past
We have all experienced breakups, complicated situations in a relationship and over time we have stitched up our hearts. However, when a new person appears, we somehow relive that pain and recall what happened because we are afraid it will repeat itself.
This baggage that represents our past often prevents us from being ourselves with the person we are knowing, leading us to show only a part of our being and thus hindering his exploration of our essence and our way of feeling emotions.
Love implies suffering
Many people equate love with suffering and, for this reason, do not want to start a new relationship: as soon as someone shows interest in them, they run away. It is essential to eliminate from our mind the limiting beliefs that prevent us from seeing reality and knowing love.
We are afraid of losing the other and this prevents us from living a healthy relationship, because we try to possess our partner instead of loving him. This desire to possess can deteriorate the relationship, create distrust and alienate the partner.
My partner would alienate me from my friends and family
There are many people who are afraid of being in a relationship because they believe that their partner will distance them from their friends. Combining the presence of partners and friends does not necessarily have to be complicated: they can be two aspects that complement each other without creating further conflicts.
The same goes for the family. Many people think that starting a relationship means breaking ties with their family and fear that it is the side effect; therefore, they run away from any kind of commitment. By overcoming this preconception and bringing together all the important people in your life, you will feel full and happy.
