Shouting and asking the interlocutor not to raise his voice is a contradiction. The screams attack and disturb those who receive them, but at the same time they subtract strength and reason from the speech of those who use them.
Last update: 06 September, 2022
You have every right to ask others not to raise their voices. The only condition is that you also do not shout, otherwise it is a meaningless request. In reality it is not uncommon to see discussions in which screams are answered with screams, in an escalation of tones.
It happens to everyone, sooner or later, to find himself in front of an irascible person, unable to maintain control. It is a great challenge, especially when this person is our boss, colleague or partner. The test consists in not allowing the other to make us lose our temper, and it's not easy at all.
This is a difficult situation to control. The screams are offensive and easily get us upset. In order to ask the interlocutor not to shout, the secret is to learn to react in the correct way. If, on the other hand, you are part of the category of "screamers", you do not have many weapons to demand a more calm tone from others.
"Men cry not to listen to each other."
– Miguel de Unamuno –
Raise your voice as a form of expression
Shouting is useful only to intimidate or express anger. Anger is the main driver of screams, which are, among other things, a means of expression that denotes poor control.
There are many clichés or clichés we use to justify ourselves when we raise our voices. “I cry because you don't listen to me”, she sometimes says to herself. There are many other stereotyped formulas that claim to give a rational explanation to the irrational gesture of shouting.
Raising your voice is only a sign of emotional instability. We cry to show ourselves stronger than we are and to dominate the situation. Despite this, we just show that we don't have enough control, not even over ourselves.
Why do we cry?
We raise our voices when we feel scared or cornered, so we attack to defend ourselves. The threat can be real or imaginary, many times it exists only in our insecurity.
When we are very dependent on the approval of others, or are hypersensitive to criticism, any gesture could be interpreted as a latent aggression to which we must respond.
Another reason we cry is habit. Those who, for example, have been educated to shout, internalize this mode of communication as normal. When he is upset or frustrated, he raises his voice to express disappointment or discomfort.
Some people show a tendency to aggression, either because of a misdirected temperament or because they are going through situations that they are unable to handle. In these cases, shouting becomes not only a habitual defense mechanism, but will promptly show itself as hostility and fits of anger.
Ask others not to raise their voices
Generally, if we raise our tone of voice, we receive the same treatment; in this the uselessness of the gesture is clearly revealed. But it is not only useless, it severely damages communication and relationships. Asking the other not to shout is a right that must be won and defended. To get it, we must start with ourselves.
In power relations there is often a behavioral model for which the "superior" apparently has the right to shout, which, on the other hand, is lacking in those who are subject to its dominion. It can be seen in the teacher-student, parent-child, boss-employee relationship, or even in couples based on asymmetrical power patterns.
In these contexts, in which there is a vertical and strong power, the dynamic “shout and ask not to shout” is often created. The mother who yells at her child sees it as disrespectful to receive the same mode of communication. We are convinced that there is a hierarchy that must be respected; which is true, but the evidence that authority arises from consistency and example is overlooked.
The mother, the teacher, the boss, the partner can win it by raising their voice. Intimidate or inhibit, but they plant the seed of disrespect. Whoever says one thing and does another, who loses his temper and asks us to control ourselves, does not get our respect. Screaming does nothing, and while raising your voice is tempting, it is still a mistake.
