It's more common than you imagine, we've all done it: be kinder to strangers than to people we love. It is easier to say no to someone close to us than to an unknown person, we get angry more easily with those we love than the rest of the people. Why? The reasons that lead us to be kinder to strangers than to the people we love are different and in most cases overlap, generating an explosive cocktail that if not identified in time could compromise our relationships from the inside.1. Better knowledge. Popular wisdom says that the problem lies in familiarity. In practice, when we get to know a person well, we discover his habits, quirks and defects, and these begin to annoy us over time. Conversely, when we interact with a person we don't know we are interacting with a fictitious image that we use as a reference until we get to know them thoroughly. But all of this explains only a small part of the problem.
2. Less tolerance. Familiarity isn't the only factor causing friction in more intimate relationships. In fact, it is quite unlikely that all the characteristics that made us love the other person suddenly start to bother us. In reality, it happens that over time we reduce the level of tolerance towards what bothers us. Negative behaviors have a cumulative effect, so there comes a point where we find it difficult to tolerate them and, as a result, we get irritated and lose patience.
3. Poor self-control. Familiarity also lets your guard down, especially at the level of self-control. By feeling more comfortable with a person we will also be more likely to always say what we think and express our feelings more freely. On the one hand, this is good because it allows us to free ourselves from social masks by showing our deepest "I", but on the other hand, it also makes us more likely to get angry, show our dissatisfaction and criticize. While with a stranger we measure our actions and words much more carefully, with a person close to us we tend to be more expansive, and perhaps for this reason often discussions arise.
Cosa possiamo fare?
We obviously don't like being unpleasant to those around us, and sometimes we even feel guilty when we are. How to fix it?1. Stop and think what life would be like without the people you loveThe goal is to generate a sense of gratitude and nothing arouses more gratitude than the fear of loss. In fact, it has been shown that we can concretely imagine the loss of a person and this is enough to generate gratitude in us for the simple fact of having them at our side. people you love. In fact, going home and meeting them is already a small daily miracle that we never realize. If you vividly imagine how you would feel alone, it is easier for this emotional reaction to arise and for you to feel grateful to have that person next to you.If you imagine how you would deal alone with those moments that you normally share, which you have turned into a pleasant routine , such as sleeping together, having dinner, or just going for a walk, you will likely experience a feeling of emptiness.2. Spend time with these people, along with othersWho we are depends, in large part, on who we hang out with. In fact, you have probably noticed that you behave differently when you are with your family, friends or colleagues. We have different "I's" and each of these manifests itself according to who we are next to. Therefore, it is advisable to spend time with the people you love in different social contexts, so that these different "I's" come to light. In fact, you often behave in a kinder and more respectful way around strangers and it is good that you do this exercise to help you redirect those positive behaviors towards the person you love. In a short time, the dynamics of your relationship will change positively, and it is also an excellent exercise to get to know each other better, and at the same time, allow them to discover the other facets of our personality. Remember that relationships shouldn't limit your "me", but make it bigger.
3. Take a break from these people to help you growIt is not about asking for time to reflect and regain your tolerance, because by doing so, when you return to the relationship, everything will be the same as before. Rather, it's about taking the time to put things into perspective, to better focus on the relationship - it's about moving around the world by yourself to relate to other people who can help you bring out your best side. As you grow up as a person, you will be able to bring much more to the relationship thus making it mature. At the same time you will appreciate much more the person you have at your side, so that you will naturally be more patient and kind.Consider that, in a sense, when we live a relationship we are much more than two people interacting with each other, in fact it is created a third person: the person we are together, a fusion of the recursive influence that each has on the other. Therefore, since the people around us often exert more control over what we feel than we do, and since we have more control over their emotions than they do, it is also about taking responsibility for bringing out the best from others. And for this, we need to grow and mature. We must not be deceived, different people bring out different aspects of ourselves. When we know someone we show our best "I", but over time this identity is changing. In relationships, these small changes should generate a reaction in the other, with the goal that the third person we have built together adapts to the new circumstances. After months or years, the new "I" that the other brings out of us could be completely different from our original identity, and we might not even like it. This means that, in some cases, when the person next to us is only able to to bring out the worst in ourselves by generating a feeling of constant dissatisfaction, then perhaps the time has come to explore new horizons.
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