People often wonder how to get respected at work, school, or in love. So here are 3 practical tips to avoid getting put your feet on your head.
"Respect can be defined as the image of our worth in people's thoughts."
A. Schopenhauer.
Understand how to get respected from a man, from a woman, from the boss or from the classmates is the obsession of millions of people all over the world.
… And it is for good reason.
As I explained to you in this article on "fear of the judgment of others", the need to seek the respect of others is written in our DNA and has had a very specific function in the course of our evolution.
But earning this respect isn't easy at all.
The impression that others make of us often occurs a few moments after the first contact (13 milliseconds to be precise) and is very difficult to change!
Here because know how to be respected it is so important.
In this article I will provide you 3 practical tips to obtain this result, based on the most recent scientific studies.
You must be more ... asshole! (it's a pity that…)
No need to make santarellini or bigots.
- assholes know how to get respected.
An interesting study taken from the Wall Street Journal showed how the narcissistic people e unpleasant get more job promotions and have above-average income.
This is because the typical attitudes of an asshole are subconsciously perceived by other people as demonstrations of power and being seen as a powerful person is the quickest way to earn the respect of many (not all).
The good old Machiavelli knew this well and wrote it clearly in his "The Prince"
"If you have to choose between being loved and being feared, always choose the second option."
Too bad that posing as cauliflower heads comes at a cost. And also quite salty.
The respect earned through the arrogance and contempt for the common rules of coexistence puts your relational life at risk and takes root only on certain categories of people: relatively uneducated individuals, easily manipulated, etc.
So if you aspire to get respected by people you respect and admire yourself, perhaps it is appropriate to take a different path ...
You have to be more selfless
While it is true that assholes know how to be respected, in reality the most admired people (in sports, work, research, business, etc.), almost all have one characteristic in common:altruism.
This counter-intuitive discovery was made by Prof. Adam Grant, author of “The more you give, the more you have".
In the course of his studies, conducted in various fields of work (and not), Grant has identified 3 styles of interaction of people.
Specifically, there are:
- - Altruisti (Givers). They are the ones who tend to give more than they get in return.
- - Egoisti (Takers). Are those who try to take from others as much as possible, giving the bare minimum.
- I Neutri (Matchers). That is the majority of people, who give and get in equal measure.
The Altruists are undoubtedly the most respected category of people at work and in life (and so far nothing surprising…).
What surprised Grant, however, was to discover that this category of people is massively present in the high ranks of companies and organizations.
In short, making your time, your knowledge and being (sincerely) altruistic available pays, in terms of salary and positions of leadership.
But there is a small problem ...
Selfless yes, balls no!
In his research, Grant found that the category of Altruists also dominates the "bottom of the table" - the group of people who have lower average salaries than others, do not get promotions, and so on.
What does this mean?!
While it is true that giving contributes to earn us the respect of others, it is equally true that some people are too altruistic, ending up being exhausted or being exploited by the category of Selfish (Takers).
In short, altruists yes, balls no.
In this regard, I believe that Christopher Walken's speech about the lion falls perfectly well! ;-)
Ok, to recap: I must be an asshole, but not too much; indeed no, I have to be altruistic, but not too much! Oh my God I'm lost!
in short what is the secret to being respected by others?!
You have to find the right balance between these 2 elements
Do you remember when we talked about assertiveness?
If you want to be perceived as a confident person, you must not behave too aggressively, nor too passively, but with the right level of assertiveness.
Well, if you want to be respected by others, being an asshole or licking your backside, as seen, can only work partially (and only with certain categories of people).
These behaviors are in fact only momentary "patches" that at most are still taught in some cheap course on interpersonal skills.
As demonstrated in this study by our friend Amy Cuddy (do you remember?), who knows how to really get respect was able to find the right balance between two variables:
- Amiability. This variable indicates the level of sympathy, kindness, friendliness and affability of a person. At one extreme we have "cold" people, at the other extreme people who can be defined as "hot".
- Expertise. Instead, this variable indicates the degree of knowledge of a specific topic. At one extreme we have "incompetent" people, at the other extreme "competent" people.
As Cuddy demonstrated, those who earn our respect have a high degree of amiability (they are "hot" people) and a equally high level of competence (they are "competent" people).
How to get respected: conclusions
As we have seen, understanding how to get respected is the thing of many people (and it is for good reason).
At this point, to earn the respect of others we have 3 options:
- Be more assholes. It can work in certain contexts, but it risks alienating all the people we care about.
- Be more selfless. It is certainly an aspect of our character that we must develop, as long as we are not perceived by others only as "nice coglioncelli".
- Being "warm" and "competent". Those who really know how to be respected have found the right balance between two variables: amiability and competence.
The third way is therefore the most effective.
The question we should ask ourselves at this point is:
"How can we develop amiability and competence?"
- As far as the 'amiability I suggest you read this article: "How to please others: 6 tips"(And the book recommended inside).
- On the other hand, regarding the competence, it is a topic that I have often faced within GetPersonalGrowth, but if I had to recommend only two articles, they would surely be: this e this.
Well, we have come to the end of this article dedicated to how to make others respect you more. Before saying goodbye, I ask you to do two things:
1. And share it with us! :-D
If you liked the article, but above all it was useful to you, share it with your friends using the social buttons below: you would do me a really big favor (and maybe you will also do it to your contacts!) :-)
2. Ask yourself this question ...
Why do you want to be respected more by others?
“Evolutionary” reasons aside, what is it that really makes you want the respect of others?
If the reason is: feel more confident about yourself, in addition to working on the aspects discussed in this article, perhaps the time has come to embark on a real path to improve your esteem.
