Sometimes we betray ourselves for some approval from others. We stop listening to each other and wear a thousand masks to hide our true identity. The price to pay is high: suffering and loneliness.
Last update: June 07, 2020
My dear I, sorry if I made you suffer so much. Now that I am in front of the mirror and I have found the courage to look into your eyes, I would like you to listen to me. I have so many things to tell you and so many regrets that I cannot go on living pretending nothing has happened. It wouldn't be fair.
More than once I have searched for this conversation with you, but I was not ready. The pain, the disappointment and the fear of facing everything that I have brought you in these years tightened my throat and blocked my words ... I preferred to pretend it was nothing, I came to really believe it.
You know, we think we are prepared, strong, that we can face everything, but how much we deceive ourselves sometimes… It happened to me: I was walking with a blindfold.
Right now I can look you in the face and recognize you in the mirror. I no longer run away from you or my complexes. You are no longer invisible to my eyes. I see you, I see you. I accept us.
Reuniting with you, rediscovering you, makes me feel happy, but I still feel a sting that does not let me fully enjoy you. In fact, what is a reconciliation without saying “I'm sorry”? Here, it is to weld our bond that I am writing you this letter.
"The worst loneliness is not being comfortable with yourself."
-Mark Twain-
Forgive me for so much misunderstanding
My dear I, sorry for making you suffer so much. For having forgotten you, overshadowed you and even for having denied you or disguised you as someone you are not. For all my disguises and masks ...
I know, every time I've been ashamed of you, I've hurt you. Rejection is one of the deepest wounds. I disowned you and so I disowned myself. Hiding who we are is betrayal, the worst. It is becoming invisible to our eyes. How it hurts!
I keep remembering how badly I thought of you, of me, of us. The contempt I felt. There was nothing you did right. I remember that I pestered you with questions to blame you, never giving you the chance to defend yourself. If it wasn't your body, it was your character or your behavior, I could hardly stand you. In those moments I thought you had nothing to offer me or anything worthy of value.
My dear I, sorry for demanding, for lashing you with my destructive words, for criticizing everything that did not correspond to my expectations. Now I know that when I talked to you I did not use much consideration and that if you expected an affectionate gesture from me, I responded coldly. Excuse me. Instead of hugging you, I walked away generating an ever deeper spiral of malaise.
There are many times when I have forgotten you; so many times when I shut you up while you asked me for help from within. I'm sorry. I turned my back on you, on me, on the two of us until I couldn't stand it anymore; until I felt my chest burst from the pressure that crushed me and my soul no longer remembered the last time she felt good, calm and happy. And then the collapse.
And, as much as I don't wish anyone to feel this way, thanks to my shipwreck I discovered that you still existed, that you were there waiting that, sooner or later, I would bring my eyes back to you. Once again, let me apologize for the harm I have done to you.
My dear I, I propose a deal
Starting now, I want our bond to change. I want to protect you. For this I propose a pact: we bet on us. I on you, you on me. We become one, instead of a false hero and executioner. We become accomplices.
I promise to listen to you, even if it is difficult at times. I know you have important things to tell me. From today I will not take your word away from you, but the opposite. As far as I am allowed, I will make sure that you can express yourself more strongly. I want to know you, rediscover you, know everything about you; what you like and what you don't, what are you good at and what have you left unfinished… Everything.
I can't assure you I'll never hurt you again, I can't promise. We all make mistakes, but I assure you that I will never do it with bad intentions and that I will take care of us. To our happiness, to who we are. Because after wearing so many disguises, I realized that if he's not with you, he's not with anyone. I paid the price for the betrayal and I can tell you that this is one of the worst experiences of my life.
I will respect you and when you feel bad, I will empathize with you. I will put myself in your place, in everything you have experienced and I will try to understand you. I have stopped blaming you, and I will not dwell on why but for what. Only in this way will I be able to understand what is happening to you, what shakes you or worries you.
I will embrace your fears and your wounds. My experience has taught me that you can't improve if you don't talk, listen, understand. Struggling with anger and hatred pulls me away from you and plunges me into anxiety, sadness and pain. And I don't want this for you or me.
I know that life is hard and that the days of tension and failure will also come; are those moments when you would like to leave everything or change your way, but let me decide next to you. I hurt you, I disappointed you; however, my dear I, I ask you to try.
With you I want to build bridges to well-being and acceptance. I wish to be one with you, not to be separated anymore. I want this bond to grow and fill us with peace and love. I want to take you by the hand again and, this time, don't let go anymore.
What do you answer, do you accept the deal?
"The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself."
-Steve Maraboli-
