Losing someone sometimes equates to being trapped in a constant feeling of anger, an anger that does not subside. We are unable to accept what has happened. Anger is a common emotion in the grieving process.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Anger in grieving is a completely natural phase. However, there are people who get stuck in it, who collapse emotionally and become trapped in the feeling of anger related to loss. It is not easy to manage this tangle of emotions, in which anger and the inability to understand what happened, is combined with despair.
William Shakespeare used to say that crying makes pain less profound, but when you fail to give space to the emotional outlet, it turns into a stone that falls heavily into the depths of a well called despair. Among the stages of mourning defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, it is very likely that the second, characterized by anger and frustration, is the most problematic.
This phase describes the moment when one becomes fully aware of the death of a loved one, but instead of accepting it, one rebels. The mind starts looking for the culprits, e feelings of injustice, resentment and anger begin to take root.
Emotions are transformed into a sort of furious wind that constantly shakes the clothes hanging on a rope, shaking them, deforming them, trying to tear them from the rope itself. One would like to remain in control, but are not capable. Anger in grieving can turn into fury, and turn us into different people.
"The repressed pain suffocates and burns inside, and he is forced to multiply his strength."
-Ovidio-
Anger in grieving: how does it manifest itself?
Anger in the grieving process arises as a reaction to the loss. We must not forget that this emotion is also an instinctive impulse that leads to react to stimuli that the brain interprets as threats. What's more shocking than losing an important person? The imprint of pain is tremendous and such is the answer.
Experiencing this reality is completely normal. Furthermore, the study conducted by Dr. George A Bonanno, of Columbia University, indicates that in reality there are no "normative" bereaved. Despite the stages established by Dr. Kübler-Ross, each person processes and faces mourning in a completely personal way.
When you fail to cope with the situation, for example, you talk about delayed or frozen mourning, an unresolved loss drags on for years and in many cases leads to depression. Let's see, however, how anger manifests itself in the grieving process.
The obsession with what happened and the unanswered questions
When faced with a loss, it is natural to ask questions. One of the most frequent is that in which, as in a moan full of anger, we ask ourselves why that person and not another. Why did it happen to my father who was still so young? He was so good and he loved life so much, why did he go away?
These ideas turn into fixed and obsessive points in the mind of the person trapped in grief. The obsession with what happened, the search for explanations and even for culprits is common and feeds anger.
Hypersensitivity
Anger in grieving often makes the person hypersensitive. Suddenly, any unexpected stimulus, news or sudden event plagues her intensely. Everything is exaggeratedly negative, anything engages her in an uncontrolled and even devastating way.
Changes in personality and character
It is good to know that anger has enormous transformative power. It changes us, it makes us different and we don't like us. It makes us lose motivation, what we were passionate about before stops being interesting, patience and interest disappear, we stop relating to others. Similarly, empathy fails, because suffering forces us to focus only on ourselves.
Apathy, physical pain, mild depression
Anger in grieving also results in various psychosomatic disorders. In such situations, stomach pains, physical and mental fatigue, headaches, insomnia or an increased predisposition to suffer from infections appear. On the other hand, it is also common to show signs of depression which, if left untreated, can worsen over time.
How anger is treated in the grieving process
One of the biggest dangers of experiencing anger for a long time is that it can sometimes lead to adopt behaviors that are as dangerous as they are harmful to health. There are those who resort to drinking, gambling or any behavior that allows them to "forget" the pain of loss. These are undoubtedly very complex situations.
In the presence of this kind of reality, it is good to be clear that psychological therapy is not only recommended, but it is actually the only way to regain control of your life and allow yourself to change the page. In this sense, the most used strategies are the following.
Anger in grieving: aspects to work on
- Preventive assessment of the subject's state of health. Before starting therapy, it is a good idea to undergo a medical examination to find out about your state of health and the presence or absence of other pathologies.
- It is also necessary a strong commitment on the part of the person who intends to follow psychological therapy.
- To work on anger, it is advisable to resort to cognitive restructuring to identify limiting and irrational thoughts. It will encourage channeling and emotional release, as well as provide all the resources to calm emotional distress.
It should be noted that the therapy varies considerably according to the needs of the person. It is a process that takes time and the creation of a solid alliance between the patient and the psychologist. However, the success rate is very high, thus making it possible to overcome this painful situation.
