Betrayal is often overestimated, without considering that in this category we tend to include behaviors that, in reality, rather represent a situation that is adverse to expectations that are not always reasonable enough.
Last update: May 30, 2020
For most people, betrayal is an unforgivable act, which causes a deep wound. And this thinking is so ingrained that this topic has almost become a taboo. After a betrayal, there is nothing to talk about, because everything has already been said. Apparently, nothing justifies it and there is no need to run for cover.
However, this radicalism sometimes does not allow us to see certain rather important nuances. For example, we sometimes consider treason as something that is not really. Or we could judge too harshly some of the shortcomings of others, which in reality do not cause excessive damage, if not disappoint us, based on some of our expectations.
As much as a person wants to be faithful, he will never stop betraying the singularity of the person he is addressing.
-Jacques Derrida-
You need strong nerves and maturity to give the right weight to betrayal. Obviously, no one likes to be disappointed with expectations of someone who has not behaved as we thought. This disappointment often has more to do with ourselves than with the other person's conduct.
What is betrayal?
We speak of treason when a person does not keep his word or when he is not faithful to a previously stipulated agreement. From the etymological point of view, the word "traitor" comes from the Latin traditor or traditoris, which means "one who delivers someone to the other party". As you can see, this is a word that comes from the military tradition. And, strictly speaking, it would be tantamount to handing over the enemy.
In everyday life, we speak of betrayal when someone who appears to be on our side suddenly says something or acts in such a way as to turn against us. We thought he was on our side, and suddenly we discover that he is not.
Now this "being on our side" is often very ambiguous, as is "being against us". Being on our side can mean thousands of things - from being complicit in our mistakes to respecting our integrity. Likewise, being against us can range from denouncing our shortcomings to trying to destroy us, to not meeting our expectations.
Pacts and betrayal
In the case of friendship or love, it often happens that the boundaries are vague. Both relationships require specific agreements or commitments, but the latter are rarely explicit. It is thought that in the event of a positive bond, there will be no room for harm.
But, as mentioned above, the arguments about what hurts are sometimes very subjective. The most classic case is that of the famous amorous betrayal. The question in this case is: “the amorous pact presupposes that the feeling is kept alive, regardless of circumstances? ". The intention could be this, but it must be considered that it is a very difficult goal to achieve.
It is because feelings have a cycle of their own. Sometimes they manage to take a stand and take on a positive value. Other times, they simply dissolve or turn into something negative. In this field there are no certainties, although the opposite is said. It may happen that in order to honor a commitment made, the bond is maintained, but this does not mean that the feelings have not changed.
Thus, a person may feel disappointed and betrayed when their partner's feelings change. The question that arises at this point is whether the problem lies with who has a different feeling (and acts accordingly) or who expects it to never happen?
Facts and circumstances
Many people assure that they are able to notice any change in their partner's feelings, provided the partner is sincere and talks about it as soon as possible. Reality shows us that this is rarely the case. If one of the two is in love and the other is no longer in love, it is difficult for those who continue to be in love to accept this asymmetry. Even more so when there is already attraction for a third person.
For this reason, not infrequently there is a tendency to hide what is happening. The real intention is not to deceive, but to evade the sense of guilt that comes from the damage that is caused to the other or the torment that it can cause. Obviously there are also cynics or manipulators who enjoy playing with other people's feelings, but they are a minority.
The truth is, it might do us good to become flexible about treason or what we superficially define as such. In this case, the circumstances tend to be far more important than the facts themselves. It is possible that behind what we call betrayal there is something else that does not always coincide with our expectations or desires.
