Shyness is often a barrier that separates us from our goals and prevents us from fully enjoying relationships. It is an obstacle that we must learn to face in order to show our true personality.
Last update: June 12, 2020
Overcoming shyness is a challenge for many of us. It is not a disorder or a disease to be treated, rather an emotional condition dominated by the feeling of shame on an emotional level and by concealment on a behavioral level.
The shy person does not refuse and does not strictly avoid contact with others. Many times, on the contrary, he deeply appreciates the company. Nor can it be said that he feels a real fear of others. What he fears is to expose himself, to be the center of attention.
To overcome shyness, it is first important to understand what it is and what it is not. For example, it should not be confused with introversion. Introverted people can be shy or not. They are two aspects of the character that do not always coincide. Let's see it in detail.
Shyness is the distrust of self-love that would like to please, but fears not to succeed.
-Moliere-
What is shyness?
There are three approaches that help us understand shyness. The first, organic, sees the shyness as a genetic trait. It is also linked to abnormalities in the secretion of the glands, especially the pituitary and adrenal glands.
The behavioral approach, on the other hand, considers shyness a learned behavior. It usually originates in childhood, sometimes due to the parental model, in other cases when the child is not sufficiently recognized or considered by the reference adults. It also develops in victims of abuse.
Finally, psychoanalysis warns us that shyness is a manifestation of the individual's conflict with himself or a part of himself.. This mechanism is associated with the unconscious repression of one or more drives.
The shy person, when he comes out, feels that he has done something wrong or inappropriate. She fears she has been exposed and feels defenseless. She sometimes feels the judgment or disapproval of others about herself.
Defeating shyness: the first steps
At least one in two people define themselves as shy in one or more respects. It is, therefore, a common problem. Overcoming shyness becomes an important goal only if you feel it is limiting you too much. In other words, if it becomes a cause of suffering.
In this case, it is worth working on ourselves to overcome shyness. It is not impossible. The first steps are:
- Identify the type of shyness. There is a general and a situational shyness. The first never leaves us, the second appears only in certain situations or with some people. First of all, then, begin to understand what your problem is.
- Identify the triggers. Try to remember some moments when you felt most embarrassed. What do these situations have in common? What are the factors that have had the most weight in making you feel this way? What has the most effect on you?
How to work on shyness step by step:
If you feel your shyness is very limiting, psychotherapy may help. There are currently several techniques and means to overcome it.
On the contrary, if this aspect of your character does not affect you that much, you can improve it by applying the following strategies:
- Accept your shyness. It's not a tragedy, it's a personality trait that can even be fascinating. “Yes, I'm shy, that's how I am”.
- 10 "at risk" circumstances identified. Make a list of the social situations you fear most, no matter how unlikely or stupid they may seem. Be concrete and precise, for example: "when I try to be funny and nobody laughs".
- Organize the data. Sort the list from weakest to strongest situation. By weak we mean the one that does not cause so much fear, the strong one paralyzes or makes you very uncomfortable.
- Analyze the list. Once you have identified the stressful situations, start working on them, one by one. Try to expose yourself to that particular circumstance, face the fear.
- Activate the sensors. When you begin to feel embarrassed or ashamed, stop for a moment. Make a mental note of your thoughts, of what you are feeling. Do nothing before you understand what is happening.
- Give yourself a tone. Maintain a physical posture that encourages you to move forward; value every little progress. Avoid comparing yourself to others and take note of the characteristics that most define you in a positive way. Think about your personal contribution in the relationship with others.
Shyness itself is not a problem. It becomes so when it produces unpleasant emotions and it takes us away from what we want to do.
