We all need intimacy and have someone close, but this same need makes us vulnerable and sometimes allows those closest to us to harm us. Psychologist Frank Fincham explained that paradoxical need using "the hug of the porcupine" as a metaphor.
In the cold, two porcupines hug each other to keep warm, getting closer and closer, until the needles of one begin to penetrate the skin of the other. Then they separate, but when the cold increases they come back dangerously close to the point of getting hurt.
A similar dynamic can repeat itself in interpersonal relationships if we continuously forgive and each time they come back to hurt us. This leads us to wonder if we have to forgive repeatedly to maintain the status quo and preserve the relationship or is there a limit beyond which we cannot and should not continue to forgive.
For too much forgiveness, the heart is consumed
Forgiveness is good. There is no doubt. A study conducted at the University of Washington found that forgiving a mistake lowers both the victim's blood pressure and that of the person who made it. Another study developed at the University of Miami revealed that forgiveness increases the victim's happiness and improves their mood.
But what happens when we forgive someone who hasn't tried to fix their mistake? What happens when we forgive those who do not sincerely repent and allow them to stay by our side? What happens when we forgive a person who has hurt us repeatedly?
Psychologists at Northwestern University asked the same questions and, in a series of experiments, found that forgiving a person who doesn't try to make amends after his mistake and allowing him to continue living with us will end up eroding our self-esteem. In other words, if we repeatedly forgive a person who has not apologized and allow him to continue next to us as if nothing had happened, we will lose respect for ourselves and feel more confused about our identity. This is what is known as the "Doormat Effect".
What is the Doormat effect?
"It's okay", "don't worry, it's okay", "next time it will be different", "let's forget what happened" ... These and other phrases will sound familiar to you, they are common in the doormat effect, a situation debilitating in which a person repeatedly gives in and forgives the other, allowing him to violate his rights repeatedly.
The doormat effect refers to the tendency to always forgive, without taking into account the negative consequences that this forgiveness causes in us. Basically, it means putting the other person or the relationship above our emotional needs.
The reasons for forgiving repeatedly, turning us into a doormat, are very different, from having established a relationship of emotional dependence to the belief that forgiveness is always positive or giving in to social pressure, which rarely takes into account the details of a particular relationship.
This dynamic is quite common in emotional relationships, especially in couples and with parents, but it can also occur in the workplace, where we can continuously forgive the insults for fear of losing our jobs.
The psychological consequences of forgiving all the time
By repeatedly forgiving, without real repentance and being in a disadvantaged position, it can come to be self-destructive. If a person harms us all the time, we should consider how to get out of the situation, not go back to putting ourselves in the line of fire.
It has been shown that, in a relationship with a power imbalance, the person who has power is less likely to forgive than someone who does not. Forgiving someone who loves us and values us less than we love and appreciate him implies moving towards submission and personal devaluation.
The doormat effect can create situations that lead to nervous breakdowns. The damage to our self-esteem is so great that we run the risk of developing learned helplessness. For our psychological well-being, we must be aware that there are limits and exceptions.
It is not the act of forgiving in oneself, but what happens next
In fact, forgiving can be extremely liberating and even essential in closing one stage of our life and opening another. Feeding anger, resentment, and bitterness isn't good for us, so it's best to let these emotions go.
In fact, it has been shown that when a person tries to correct his mistake and apologizes, forgiving him improves our self-esteem. The real problem lies not in forgiveness, but in what happens next.
We can forgive even huge resentment if that person sincerely regrets and we are confident that they appreciate us and will do everything they can to not make that mistake again. But when forgiveness generates an imbalance of power and becomes a carte blanche for the other to continue hurting us, we have a problem.
This means that in order to forgive someone and allow them to continue to be close to us, we need to feel safe and valued in the relationship. Otherwise, we can forgive as an act to exorcise our negative feelings, but making sure that that person will no longer be next to us to hurt us.
We need to understand that forgiveness is part of a therapeutic process to heal our emotional wounds, but we also need to be aware that there are situations where it is not acceptable or recommendable.
“To err is human and to forgive is divine, but repeating the same mistake over and over again is stupid,” spiritual advisor Jaime Sin once said.
