Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: December 14, 2021
Truth hurts once, but lies hurt every time we remember them. They trap us, seize our emotions, make us question the truth and make everything we have lived and experienced artificial.
When they lie to us, we can come to feel that we are no longer worth anything, because the shock of a certainty that turns out to be false or incoherent confuses us, to the point of causing us a trauma with ourselves or with our reality.
Even the lies told so as not to hurt, in the end they hurt. On the contrary, they hurt much more than any feelings, thoughts or emotions that would have been caused by what they have tried to hide or disguise from us.
A relationship based on lies is doomed to failure
You need to know that any relationship that does not have sincerity as a solid foundation sooner or later will end up like a house of cards, fragile and delicate, which could destroy itself and collapse with a trifle.
Because lying opens the door to many types of betrayal, which will make us question our feelings. Caution: to lie it is not necessary to tell lies, it is enough to act in a false way or to behave with hypocrisy.
The lie is presented as a self-praise, because only in this way will it make sense. Liars compliment themselves for being able to build a false belief and being smart enough to carry it out.
Tell me the truth: I decide if it hurts me or not
The emotional pain generated by the lie when we fail to justify it is deep and immense. We grieve and cry over situations that we could have avoided and that someone else has worsened, often with the aim of protecting us, armed with good intentions.
Yet, both the pain caused by a truth and the pain caused by a lie teach us something. Thanks to suffering, we will be able to improve our decision-making, analytical and emotional and cognitive self-determination skills.
In other words, we will find an alternative way out of the tunnel, because we will learn more about the reality that surrounds us and what is the best way to make our way through it.
Lying is very often a tool used by those who want to protect us from the dangers of truth. However, this creates even more suffering, because the lies spoken to avoid pain are actually the worst. They are the most intricate, sweeping away all that is positive in the relationship.
Learn to protect yourself from lies
We must be able to filter both what we say and what we hear, don't believe everything we are told and think critically. We must not forget that there will always be those who will try to sell us a car even knowing that the engine does not work.
To understand more about the criteria we must follow when it comes time to evaluate what we say or are told, here is a Socratic parable about the filters that must be present in our conversations.
The joval disciple of a wise philosopher arrives home and tells him:
- Master, a friend spoke ill of you ...
- Wait up! - the philosopher interrupts him - Did you pass what you want to tell me through the three filters?
- The three filters? - asks the disciple.
- Yes. The first is the filter of truth: are you sure that what you want to tell me is absolutely certain?
- No. I heard some neighbors say that.
- Did you at least put it through the second filter? IS the filter of goodness. What do you want to tell me, is it good for anyone?
- No, not really. In reverse…
- I understand. The last is the filter of necessity: is it necessary to let me know what worries you so much?
- Actually, no.
- So,
- says the wise man smiling, -
if it is neither true nor good nor necessary, let's bury it in oblivion.
We must not forget that no one is more inclined to believe a lie than people for whom that lie corresponds to their wishes. Because of this, in order to receive the truth, one must be able to contain it. We need a vessel that is up to it.
Similarly, when someone tells a lie, they should know that some intelligence is needed to be able to support it, as well as some strength is needed to tell the truth.
The victims of the lie, once the trauma has been overcome, often become much more lucid and able to decipher the fragility and weakness of the reasoning that once represented the cause of their suffering. Let's say that, thanks to experience, we become more daring, and we can smell the danger and understand it better.
This happens because we realize that what we cannot imagine or understand destroys us. Because the lie makes us desperate to find a logical explanation and to discover every single detail of what has been covered up with manipulation and deception.
Experience will help us grow and enhance essential skills, making both our emotions and our reasoning much more intelligent.
