When injured, some wear a false safety mask, while others choose the emotional expression that will help them improve self-esteem.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
If we get hurt often and frequently, and don't react, we break up a little more every day. It is not strong who resists and endures everything indefinitely, who strives against himself to calm down and contain what he feels. In reverse, strong is he who feels free to use his own emotional expression. That is, those who manage to express their emotions and needs, setting limits. Obviously it is not easy, but protecting your feelings is a real and healthy exercise that will be good for you.
Being an adult is often the hardest thing in the world. It is a stage in life where, almost suddenly, aspects such as work, economy, family and personal fulfillment are little more than chaos trying to stay afloat. At the same time, we forget that, in reality, the most relevant life cycle of the human being coincides with youth. Right in childhood, and later in adolescence, emotional expression takes shape and grows. Like one of those good habits that parents or grandparents have taught us.
It is in these early stages of life that the most important traits of personality and approach to life develop. One of the most important lessons is undoubtedly the one concerning emotional skills. Think about it for a moment: as children were you taught to distinguish an emotion from a feeling? Did they tell you how to be assertive, recognize your emotional needs, and know how to communicate them effectively?
The truth is that, in most cases, this type of teaching is neglected. And it is a serious problem, given that the consequences of this omission will fall on the individual in the most delicate phase of his existence. This is why there are many "half-grown adults" who are lost, who are vulnerable, highly sensitive to the dynamics of an environment that is not always easy. In which even the people most important to us can hurt our feelings.
But then, what needs to be done? How should you behave? In this article we will discover together the crucial importance of emotional expression.
“An emotion does not cause pain. Resistance or suppression of an emotion, those that cause pain. "
-Frederick Dodson-
Being assertive, essential for emotional expression
When someone hurts our feelings, we usually react in two ways: by remaining silent or by responding instantly with anger, aggression and indignation.. Everything becomes a bit more complicated when those who cross the line of respect belong to the group of close or familiar figures. The partner, a relative, a friend or even our boss.
In these situations, many doubts arise. "You were wrong, no doubt, but what do I tell you?" or “How can I tell him that you hurt my feelings without losing my temper? Without being aggressive and speaking clearly? ”.
Emotional expression is undoubtedly the only tool we will have at our disposal to answer these and other questions. But in order for this communication of emotions to be effective and linear, it will be necessary to work on it.
Decipher emotions in order to be able to defend ourselves with assertiveness
In a study published in the journal Nature, the famous neurophysiologist Antonio Damasio recalls the importance of knowing how to distinguish an emotion from a feeling.
To begin, an emotion is a whole collection of chemical and neuronal responses that we experience in the presence of a stimulus. The human body is the first to feel the impact of something that alters its homeostasis, its internal "balance". Secondly, it is the mind that translates that emotion into a feeling. The moment you are able to translate what you feel into thoughts, the sensation will appear.
When you notice the famous "knot in the stomach" or the acceleration of the heartbeat that seems about to burst, stop for a moment and translate, interpret that emotion. Don't ignore it, don't tell yourself that nothing happened. Try to name what you hear. Identify it and you will also be able to clarify the value of the feeling connected to it.
The courage to express feelings in assertive communication
After also giving a name to the feelings (triggered by emotion) that are inside you (humiliation, indignation, pain, disappointment, sadness, sense of deception ...), the next step will be to proceed to communication, to emotional expression. To do this, you will need to keep in mind the personal pronoun "I".
Perhaps in our daily routine it is difficult to begin our sentences using "I". However, in assertive and emotional communication it is highly necessary. So, when you are feeling disappointed or frustrated, we encourage you to use these two simple phrases:
- “I felt humbled by the comment you made. Maybe you spoke out of turn, unwittingly. Anyway, take into consideration what I've told you and please don't repeat it. "
- “I feel very disappointed with the choice you have made. You didn't take into consideration what I might have told you or asked me what I thought ”.
If they hurt you, leverage emotional expression
If they hurt your feelings, you need to have an idea in mind: defend yourself, clarify your point of view and you will lay the groundwork so that such incidents do not happen again. To do this, you will invite the other person to exercise emotional responsibility with you.
What does it mean?
- You will establish an emotional responsibility agreement with yourself. If they hurt your feelings, the responsibility belongs to the other, but if they do it again and you have defended yourself, the responsibility now falls on you. A responsibility, but that does not make you guilty.
- You will have to make the other person aware of their wrong attitude. You will make her understand that a relationship, of whatever nature, requires respect and responsibility. What happened cannot be repeated. Both sides will learn from what happened and strive to create more empathic, human and meaningful interactions.
We invite you to take into account one last aspect: these processes take time. Learning to be assertive and managing your emotions to communicate effectively is something that comes with practice. Do not forget, therefore, to apply these strategies whenever someone hurts your feelings. You will immediately notice a change of course.
