Love yourself and take care of yourself as we do with others. Recognizing your own needs while taking into account those of others ... And you, do you practice self-empathy? We explain where to start.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
How are you feeling today? What do you feel right now? What needs, feelings and desires populate your mind? Self-empathy is an exercise in psychological well-being and health that we often overlook. Looking inside ourselves is the first step towards any kind of outward-facing empathy and, in turn, constitutes the starting point of any rewarding relationship with oneself and with others.
Why do we sometimes put aside this very important ability? Throughout our lives we have always been reminded of the importance of empathic concern. That is to say, few things are as important as knowing how to understand who we are in front of, having the ability to put ourselves in the other person's shoes to understand him and act accordingly.
However, few have explained to us that the best way to practice this art is to start from emotional self-awareness. Only the empathic self that is able to understand their needs and emotions and respond in harmony following their own personal universe is able to achieve happiness.
What is autoempathy?
Self-empathy is the ability to establish loving and respectful contact with oneself. It is important to focus on these last two dimensions: "affection" and "respect". Because while it is true that we all practice inner speech and have the ability to connect with our being, we don't always do it correctly. For example, we are very likely to fuel negative dialogue.
We are also characterized by a subtle tendency to criticism, to usury, to that self-communication that fills us more with noise than calm, that ignites worries and offers no solutions. Therefore, the lack of valid and rewarding empathy leads us to fuel states of stress and anxiety. We are also used to giving others more than what we offer ourselves.
Therefore, although Daniel Goleman did not mention self-empathy as such in his book Emotional Intelligence, he included this competence in what we know as "emotional self-awareness". It is nothing more than monitoring one's inner states, preferences, intuitions, needs and every emotion as it manifests itself.
Strategies for developing self-empathy
Godfrey T. Barrett-Lennard is a psychology professor at Murdoch University (Australia) who has conducted research on this topic. In this work he explains that the task of every therapist during psychotherapy is to help the person with a basic and essential competence, self-empathy.
The reason is that many people spend a good part of their life neglecting their feelings. There are many people who have blended so much with the surrounding environment (partners, children, etc.) that they no longer know how to access themselves, their emotions, thoughts, desires, shortcomings.
It is important not to neglect this activity. Restoring empathy for oneself right now is a priority task. Here are the key steps to do it.
Observe without judging, take care of yourself and be open to yourself
Self-empathy presupposes notice and acknowledge that you are there, that there is a part of you that feels, suffers, he gets excited, saddened and feels hope. It implies that you are able to observe yourself without making judgments, without criticizing yourself for having had certain experiences, without scolding yourself for feeling angry, worried or scared.
Taking care of yourself in an open and constant way (and without postponing the activity to another time) will reflect on your ability to make changes to achieve well-being.
Talk to yourself as if you are your best friend
If you don't speak respectfully to yourself, who will? If you are unable to communicate with yourself lovingly, how can you expect others to do so? Be aware of this: Self-empathy requires you to talk to yourself as if you are your best friend.
Emotional self-awareness feeds on understanding and absolute listening skills thanks to which we are able to accept ourselves as we are and how we feel. Without filters, without interruptions or shame.
Forgive yourself today, tomorrow and always
Self-empathy, to be useful, authentic and meaningful, does not have to start with rejection or criticism. You may be angry with yourself because you always end up making the same mistakes. It is possible that it hurts you to have given up opportunities, that you feel uncomfortable with yourself for not being brave enough in certain situations ...
These feelings of self-denial prevent you from exercising healthy, restorative self-empathy. Therefore, it is never too late to start giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve. Forgive yourself for making so many mistakes in life, because you didn't have enough experience after all.
Forgive yourself for allowing another person to hurt you, because no one has a crystal ball to know what's going to happen.
Give yourself the forgiveness you deserve to heal when you need it and empathize with yourself as you should.
Self empathy: life is a challenge and I accept my strengths and weaknesses
Anger, anger, fear, disappointment, anguish, worry. Life is a constant challenge and will always test you. In adverse circumstances, complicated emotions are common.
Neglecting this inner anatomy, looking away from what you feel, think, what you need and care about will lead you to feel helpless, to lose control and to increase the stress and anxiety you feel.
Self-empathy means tolerating all the turbulent currents that sometimes sail against you within you. Accepting what you feel and giving yourself the love you need is a cathartic and ideal way to start making changes, and to move towards balance and calm.
Alfred Adler argued that empathy is the ability to see with the eyes of another, hear with the ears of another and hear with the heart of another.
Well, let's always remember that we will not be able to do any of this in an authentic and competent way if we are not able to look inside ourselves with curiosity first, to listen openly and to feel a full love for ourselves.
