"A stubborn person has no opinions, they control him", wrote the poet Alexander Pope to refer to the death trap we can fall into when we become victims of stubbornness, the one that prevents us from changing our minds, contemplating other possibilities and growing.
There is no single way of interpreting life and the world. Everyone makes sense of events based on their points of view, life experiences and expectations. It's normal. But there are more rigid mentalities than others. There are stubborn people who cling too much to their image of the world and do not have enough mental flexibility to take into account other points of view that differ from theirs.
Perhaps one of the most emblematic examples of stubbornness is that of Hiroo Onoda, a secret service officer in the Japanese Imperial Army who hid in the Philippine jungle for 29 years after the end of World War II because he was convinced that the war was not yet. over. Although they tried to convince him on several occasions that his attitude made no sense, he did not give up until in 1974 his former commander announced the lifting of his 1945 order to stay behind and spy on US troops.
Without a doubt, it is an extreme example of stubbornness, but we can become very stubborn in everyday life too. And this can cause us serious problems, both in interpersonal relationships and in decision making. Clinging to solutions that don't work or choosing dead ends is a way to condemn us to unhappiness, dissatisfaction and failure. Nietzsche had already said: “many are stubborn when it comes to following the path they have chosen, but few show the same stubbornness when it comes to achieving their goals”.
What is a stubborn person like?
The stubborn person is the one who refuses to change his mind even if he is offered sufficiently logical and verifiable reasons to make him understand that he is wrong.
Generally the stubborn person prefers to surround himself with people who think and react in the same way, because they will not question his opinions. The real problem is that this person highly identifies with his ideas and feels his identity is in danger when someone challenges his image of the world.
- Fears change. Stubborn people often fear change, even if they don't always recognize it. They perceive new situations as threats to be avoided at all costs. Anyone trying to impose a change in their routines or thinking could be perceived as a danger. There is no doubt that it is important to follow certain patterns and habits, but we must also accept that life is not always predictable and our mental health largely depends on our ability to accept and adapt to constantly changing circumstances. A stubborn person usually copes with change by resorting to maladaptive strategies such as denial or evasion. But the truth is, until we accept the change, no matter how bad, the healing process will never begin.
- He questions everything. Living with a stubborn person can be extremely exhausting since they usually question everything that goes against their image of the world. The worst thing is that he excessively involves his ego in these discussions, which turn into pitched battles in which the goal is to win at all costs. Furthermore, he refuses to acknowledge that he is wrong. This attitude tends to create a lot of friction in daily life because there is often no agreement after discussions.
- He doesn't move an inch from his mentality. The stubborn person has dichotomous thinking, thinks that things are black or white and that he is always right. Anything that deviates in the slightest from his conception of the world and of life is wrong. He usually clings to his beliefs to protect himself from change because he wants to stay in the comfort zone where he feels safe. In fact, behind stubbornness there is often a deep fear because accepting different ideas and behaviors implies leaving that safe zone to explore a new world. And this always implies uncertainty.
- Attack in a personal way. Many times the stubborn person knows that his arguments are not enough to convince others, so he does not hesitate to resort to personal attacks. Since stubbornness leads her to think that anything that doesn't match her belief is a personal attack, she decides to fight back. This person will not resort to facts, figures or scientific studies to support his idea, but will use strategies such as ignoratio elen, also known as "irrelevant conclusion" or any other tactic to undermine his interlocutor, attacking his credibility or self-esteem. It is not strange that he also resorts to insults or value judgments, making the discussion with a stubborn person so complicated that it becomes personal.
- Avoid information that contradicts your beliefs. A stubborn person will only read news from sources that confirm his worldview. He will not risk looking for other sources because it would cause him a conflict of identity, which is built and sustained on these beliefs. The problem is that in this way the person ends up isolating himself in a reality that only confirms his stereotypes, in this way it will be practically impossible for him to accept the facts that deny them or question them.
Why are we stubborn?
A stubborn person will prefer to surround himself with people who think and react in the same way, lest they challenge his opinions and worldview. The real problem is that a stubborn person is extremely identified with his ideas and feels his identity is in danger when someone questions his worldview, as shown by a study published in the journal Nature Scientific Reports.
These neuroscientists recruited 40 self-appointed liberals who claimed to have very deep convictions. Then they were presented with historical facts of a neutral nature such as: "Edison was the inventor of the light bulb" or "Einstein developed the theory of relativity". And they were presented with statements that questioned or were against their strong political beliefs.
As people read these claims, the researchers scanned their brains. So they found that when the statements challenged their beliefs, there was an intense activation in the brain in areas related to identity and negative emotions.
This suggests that stubbornness is a defensive response that is activated when we believe that certain ideas challenge the identity we have built. Then it is when a response is generated in the opposite direction to protect the ego: we cling more stubbornly to our ideas.
How to deal with a stubborn person without losing emotional balance?
- Introduce doubt gently. It is important that the stubborn person does not see you as an opponent or a person who wants to destabilize him. It is much better that you introduce the doubt subtly so that she comes to the conclusion. This strategy is usually much more effective than showing a thousand facts that confirm your idea. Avoid phrases like "you are wrong" or "you are not right", because you will only get the person to get defensive and, from that moment, any rational discussion will be impossible.
- Discuss with respect and empathy. We should never forget that everyone is free to hold their own beliefs and opinions. Therefore, we must not over-pressure the stubborn person to change, but we must discuss respecting his opinions and trying to take an empathetic attitude. Indeed, it is much more effective to argue from his position, understanding his arguments while trying to demolish them. When everyone discusses in their own point of view it will be difficult to reach an agreement or to make the conversation useful because it will turn into monologues for the deaf.
- Focus on the issue, don't take it personal. It is likely that when the stubborn person has exhausted his arguments he will try to take the discussion to a personal level. Do not allow it, because in that precise moment you will have "lost" both of them. Try to keep the discussion focused on the problem that concerns you and, if not possible, postpone it until you have more time. Remember that a stubborn person can suffer from "temporary hearing loss" - the only opinion they hear is their own. Therefore, it is much easier if you advance your opinion by breaking it down into several parts so that each point is easier to digest.
- Give up the need to win. If you want the other person to be open to your ideas, you too need to be open to theirs, however crazy, illogical, or old they may seem. This means giving up the mentality of wanting to win in the discussion. In an argument, you really win when you learn something new or explore another point of view. Do not forget. This change in mindset will reflect in your attitude and make the discussion more fluid.
- Remember that stubbornness is also good. Don't forget that many of history's great inventors were stubborn people and determined to make their dreams come true. Stubbornness also has a positive side, it will help you see the stubborn person as a rich and complex individual and will allow you to break out of the labels and stereotypes that you are reproaching them.
Can stubbornness be good? Adaptive persistence
Stubbornness, or rather perseverance, has its moment and its space. Staying firm on issues that are important to us can help us defend our rights and not allow others to impose ideas on us that we disagree with. This means that while stubbornness can become a hindrance in some circumstances, it can be positive in others.
In fact, a study conducted at the University of California and the University of Rome La Sapienza suggests that the disposition to perseverance, supported by a positive outlook on life, can help us live longer because this attitude makes us less inclined to worry. of what others think of us, developing an internal locus of control, so that external circumstances affect us less.
But the researchers point out that stubbornness must be accompanied by an awareness of the need to adapt to the changing circumstances of the world, and this implies that it doesn't have to be blind stubbornness, but rather adaptive persistence.
Another study published in the journal Developmental Psychology in which 745 children were followed for 40 years from the age of 12 to the age of 52, revealed that stubbornness in the infant stage was a factor that could predict optimal professional development. 'adulthood.
These psychologists believe that stubbornness is a trait that helps people say "no" when they disagree with something or believe it violates their rights, allows them to negotiate better and keeps them focused on their goals, so it's more stubborn people are likely to be more successful in life.
This implies that stubbornness isn't always bad, but it can become a problem when:
- It keeps us chained to misconceptions or absurd projects that lead us astray.
- It generates a state of frustration and anger because we feel the need to discuss with others to impose our opinions.
- It prevents us from growing and adapting to the changes that occur around us, keeping us tied to an old way of doing that is not the most effective and does not make us happy.
Therefore, a little stubbornness can help us achieve our goals and reaffirm our identity, but we need to make sure we are flexible enough to change attitudes and have the necessary intellectual humility to question our ideas. We must remain open to new possibilities and be willing to admit that we are wrong.
