Love that does not accept conditions exists, it is real, but this does not mean that it is not necessary to set limits. Because in love not everything is valid and limits help us to safeguard our identity and our self-esteem.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
There are those who say that unconditional love is the purest and most noble feeling that exists. It is to love without expecting anything in return, to love with all our senses, our essence and with every particle of our body. In turn, it is accepting the other as they are, whatever they do and say; even when it is not by our side.
Herman Hesse said that the one who knows how to love will always win in life. However, what are we referring to when we say "to love right"? Is unconditional love the right way to love? The truth is that there is no exact and unique answer to this question, but there are some reflections that we can make and that we should take into consideration.
First, most of us are likely to think that a relationship based on unconditional passion is bound to have a dangerous outcome. Because a love without limits or conditions, as we well know, in most cases ends up crossing a line of respect, in which identities and self-esteem are hurt.
However, there are also many people who argue, without a doubt, that the only deep, genuine and unconditional affection is the one we feel for our children. However, what happens when we are faced with a narcissistic son, who despite our love, demands privileges based on whims and treating us with tyranny and disrespect?
From emotional psychology we get the tools to differentiate two distinct realities. We must in fact learn to distinguish between love as a feeling and love as a relational scenario. It is one thing to love, it is quite another to live with those we love.
“Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deepest being. It is not an active emotion, but a real form of being. It is not saying -I love you for this or that reason-, nor is -I love you if you love me-. It is a love without reason, without an object of desire. "
-Ram Dass-
Unconditional love and conditioning relationships
Is it possible to happily enjoy unconditional love? The answer is yes, but of course we must first understand the nuances.
To do this, there is nothing better than resorting to neuroscience to discover something that, perhaps, will surprise many of you: the brain tends to love unconditionally.
The brain is the engine of unconditional love
Doctors Mario Beauregard and Jérôme Courtemanche, of the University of Montreal (Canada), conducted a very interesting study which made it possible to discover that unconditional love shares the same mechanisms as addiction. Here, too, there is a reward mechanism supported by the levels of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin.
Unconditional love looks a lot like romantic love. It is a blend of absolute passion, devotion, attachment and intense affection. In a way, our brains are designed to experience just this kind of intense love. It is our rational part, on the other hand, that forces us to set some limits.
Love and relationship are not the same thing
Unconditional love is a feeling. Beyond the emotional universe, human relationships exist. As we all know, love is not everything in a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you love two people if there is a lack of communication, reciprocity, empathy or respect in the couple.
These two aspects of romantic love often create contradictory and painful situations. You can love someone with your whole self and, at the same time, understand that coexistence is impossible.
I love you unconditionally, but I have to let you go
There is no doubt that we can love someone without limits and unconditionally. At the same time, there are loves that hurt, in which we realize we have a blind passion for someone who doesn't make us feel good. We know it, we accept it and, for this reason, we let it go. For our sake and to recover our psychological balance.
Thus, in these situations there is a reality that unites many of us: although we have distanced ourselves from a person, gaining health and self-esteem, the unconditional love we felt remains unchanged. Why, sometimes, feelings remain, even when a relationship ends.
Love needs limits and conditions, only in this way will it be a healthy feeling
Limits, beyond what we can think of, are healthy and powerful. Although we are often afraid of them and it is difficult for us to apply them to our lives, they are information barriers that oxygenate relationships, improve coexistence and allow us to gain space for happiness.
Unconditional love is a real feeling, we have already said that. But it is necessary to file him, like a craftsman, to adapt him to our relationship, to make him understand that when it comes to relationships, limits and conditions are necessary. We can also apply the same discourse to the education and raising of a child.
We can love our children as they deserve - infinitely, deeply, and dispassionately. However, this does not mean that a child can behave as he wants, blackmail us and demand that his every wish be fulfilled, or be overbearing.
Because in relationships not everything is allowed, even when love exists. Because coexistence is made up of rules and barriers to be respected, knowing that affection is always present, willing to welcome and protect.
