Just as Pygmalion fell in love with the statue of Galatea for its beauty and for having placed his desires and hopes in it, we too can fall in love with an idea and not with who we really have next to us.
Last update: April 01, 2022
When you are unable to accept your partner and chase ghosts, the couple loses its connotations and ends up becoming the reflection of generally idealized fantasies, aspirations, desires or dreams. More precisely, it ends up becoming a statue of Galatea, which embodies a projection and not a reality.
The other person abandons his true nature to become a mere provider of personal needs. It is at that moment that a line must be drawn between being in love and being trapped, tied up, imprisoned in the couple bond.
Let's now analyze to what extent we are able to accept the partner and when we neglect this aspect and expect it to change for us.
You are like that and I am not. Give me what I want.
Often the mistake is made of wanting to change the partner at all costs. A trap from which it is difficult to escape, especially when one is convinced that the will to change the partner is dictated by true love.
A super neat and methodical partner can make it appear that the other person is suffering from an attention deficit and furthermore demand that they adopt habits more similar to their own. The same can happen when one person is extremely charming and outgoing in social relationships, while the other is obsessive, jealous and insecure. A similar case arises when one partner is affectionate and outgoing and the other is totally the opposite.
When paying attention to the contrast in the couple and evaluating it superficially, the following thoughts may arise: "If I am like that, why can't you change so that I can be happy?" "Why don't you change so that I can… ”,“ If you were like that, I would be… ”,“ Oh, how nice it would be if only you were like that, you behaved like that ”.
These expressions keep lovers trapped in a self-fueling dynamic. And the differences, instead of being understood as a complementary aspect, appear as a critique of each other's characteristics.
Any explanation or justification will not be valid, as all are developed on the basis of the assembly of these personality characteristics. Both are trapped, locked in the couple's prison, where changes are redundant and ensure that everything stays the same. More precisely, the changes made do not question the rules of the game.
A relational game always develops in couple ties. The problem is when this is systematized and practiced again and again, even if it is a destructive game.
To get a change, you have to implement a total or partial modification of the rules of the game to boost growth of a new facility.
Although you have a relationship with someone (which assumes an interaction), characteristics such as personality, relational nature, beliefs and personal values ​​make these particularities stand out to a lesser or greater extent in the context of different relationships.
The demand for change, a dynamic that can become a vicious circle
When the members of the couple fall into the desire to want to change the other, according to personal parameters and desires, they try to make the partner meet their expectations.
These are neither more nor less than the desires and ideals that one pretends to make fall on the other. It will be a no-holds-barred fight and it will be fruitless for both:
- For those who demand it because the other will never be able to conform to such an idealized profile.
- For the person from whom it is demanded because of the sense of devaluation that affects them, as well as the fact that they will feel that they are not appreciated for who they really are. Another factor will be the wear and tear produced by the permanent need to be a person who is not.
Then when the lovers break up, during the sessions they make reflections such as: “I spent many years trying to change my partner in an attempt to make him different, but it was all in vain. You have to accept the partner or leave him".
While you can try to change the other person, in case the requests are healthy for the relationship, you need to consider several aspects: how to do it, what is the point of conciliation, distinguish what is reasonable from what it's just a misplaced idealization, etc.
A very common factor that makes a change necessary occurs when, after many years in a relationship, one member of the couple requests a series of changes in the other person's attitude.
Reasons why you want to change your partner
In some cases, some features are complained of that were present in the relationship and that have been lost over time. If so, it's important for the couple to reflect on why those relationship-productive behaviors have dissolved over the years.
In other cases, one demands or both require that the partner be someone they have never been. More specifically, they develop behaviors or have attitudes that are outside their personality range. These aspects, which constitute a trap for the relationship, cause a devaluation by one or both members of the couple towards the other person, because they turn their gaze towards an idea of ​​the other that is not real and concrete.
Perhaps, what you need to understand is that, after many years of relationship, neither is the same anymore.
So, it's not just us who change over the years, our perception, our tastes, beliefs, behaviors, values ​​change… and consequently, our choices change. The other person also changed during that time period.
Result: we are no longer the same person our partner chose nor is the partner the same person we have chosen.
Accept the partner
The above teaches us that we must not stop proposing changes in attitudes to improve the relationship. What we need to stop doing, however, is to expect the other person to transform himself completely, to make radical and utopian changes. It must be understood that some traits are easier to modify.
You have to understand that the partner is like that and we cannot force a radical change on him just because we want it. We can ask - not demand - corrections of attitudes that support a change or, at least, try to modify the relational dynamics and, with them, the particularities of both.
The frustration and relational failure that one feels when the relationship is not fair are proportional to the extent to which love has been built by means of an idealizing component that does not allow to see the other as they really are, that is, both with its positives than negatives.
The more we hope to match the other person to our ideal (whatever we want them to be), the more we will be exposed to collision with who the other person really is. This can destroy the relationship and give rise to devaluation, denigration and aggression.
It is then that feelings of disenchantment appear, a word that significantly expresses the de-idealization of the partner. Because of the latter, the more enchantment there was, the more disappointment it follows.
To get out of this trap, it is necessary to establish different agreements within the couple. Work to improve, and often resort to therapy, for a third party to restructure the bond.
An exercise to accept the partner and improve the relationship
A reflection exercise that generally gives good results consists in having each of the members of the couple write in two columns of a blank sheet: on the one hand what they love and what they like and on the other what bothers them about the other. Then everyone will read to the other what he wrote, in turn and without the right of reply, starting from what he likes least and continuing with what he likes best.
Then each is asked to exchange the list and to choose (individually) something that the other has reported as annoying or unappreciated that they feel they can rectify. Thereafter, both of them will have a task to do. Over ten days, each member of the couple will report if she has noticed a change in the other.
Everything starts from the acceptance of the other, to understand that it is like this, with its strengths and weaknesses: we can propose to change in order to grow in order to achieve happiness in the couple, but always starting from the desire for conciliation and respect.
