Many people start a love relationship based on the same ideas that will eventually lead to the end of it.
Last update: 26 November 2022
Today we talk about a new way of understanding love; the protagonists of a love relationship are three: me, you and, of course, the relationship. Most people still have an idyllic view of the patterns and dynamics a couple must maintain in order to be happy. Yet this antiquated concept is the same one that, however ideal, is a source of disappointment and frustration.
Many people start a love relationship based on the same ideas that, later on, will lead to the end of it. For example, they may think that the relationship should work based solely on love, but this, in reality, is not a sufficient condition for a couple to win.
By approaching this topic from the perspective of three protagonists, three separate entities, playing the "game of love", we can work on the aspects that allow the couple relationship to function. There are two people who love each other and a relationship, and each of these three elements is important. Thus, in love, one plus one makes three: oneself, the other is the couple relationship.
The protagonists of the couple relationship are three separate entities involved in the game of love.
The protagonists of the love affair
Starting from this interpretation of the couple's life, we can distinguish three entities that must be evaluated separately:
- Io: represents the starting point for loving another person because, for a relationship to work, it is important to first love yourself. Protect the time and space dedicated to personal growth, to enrich your life. Integrate light and shadow. Don't expect the other to make up for your shortcomings. In this sense, it is extremely positive to carry out an interior work e don't expect your relationship, or the other person, to fill in your inner voids.
- Tu: There is an idealized "you" that we see at the beginning of a relationship, but we are interested in knowing the authentic "you". A person to be accepted in his entirety, with his real qualities and defects. If not, you can easily enter the absurd game of wanting to change the other to adapt it to one's ego.
- We: think of the relationship as the third member of the couple and rise above your individuality. Look from afar to find a space for common thought. This space, or third entity, needs to be treated with care. We need to think about his needs and invest in a love that unites.
The third member of the love relationship: the couple
This relationship member has its own complexities and to take care of them it is important to have a good level of understanding about the division of responsibilities and smooth communication. It is a commitment that both members must make, but which many ignore, thinking that it is a natural consequence of love.
This belief generates relationships in which, over time, it will be necessary to face more problems than solutions. This third entity, or space, needs time and affection for it. It is in it that love, communication, the ability to find a meeting point, problem solving, sexual desire are cultivated., etc. In short, everything that brings balance and stability to the love relationship.
It is important to dedicate time to issues such as: money or how we spend our free time, what we like to do as a couple and what activities we prefer to do alone; who and how deals with relations with the family of origin; what are the limits we place on these relationships; mutual friends and personal friends, and what balance exists between them.
The 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse of the couple relationship
Under this name are known four very common habits that can be inherited as a conflict resolution strategy, but in reality they solve nothing. At best they just waste time and energy. Here are the four horsemen of the Apocalypse who put an end to most relationships: criticism, defensive attitude, contempt and lack of communication.
In addition to the attention that we must devote to the relationship, we must consider some behaviors to be able to intervene before they damage the love relationship.
- Negative communication, to which one responds in the same way and which generally ends with a rapid rise in the violence of the terms of communication.
- The closure of the communication channel by one of the members of the couple. When arguing, one of the most dangerous situations that can arise is that one of the two members refuses to continue the conversation. It is a non-verbal aggression that can initiate a dialectical persecution on the part of the other person. These behaviors must be identified and corrected as soon as possible.
3 protagonists of the love relationship: a new concept in couple therapy
This concept of the three entities is new in integrated therapy and is used more and more successfully in couples therapy. However, it is not necessary to have relationship problems to resort to them. The ideal is to adopt this perspective from the beginning.
If the two people accept the presence of this third entity, and dedicate themselves to taking care of it, it will be much easier to understand what situation the relationship is in. It allows, in fact, to identify weaknesses to correct them. In the same way, the strengths can be identified: the qualities that must be exploited for the couple to increase the degree of well-being of all three of its members.
