There are many who seek perfection in the relationship of a couple. It is an idealistic attitude that implies a high degree of intolerance and limited emotional resources to manage differences, contradictions and conflicts.
Last update: 13 March, 2022
Perfection in a relationship is an ideal shared by many, but also the source of so many frustrations on an emotional level. On the other hand, the ideal is something that pertains to the world of ideas and not to real life.
Speaking of perfection in a couple's relationship, or in any area of ​​life, implies ignoring the nature of relationships and of the human being. We are made up of contradictions, difficulties and conflicts. It could not be otherwise, as we are not programmed to act as machines which, in turn, are not perfect.
Unfortunately, romantic love leads to idealize a relationship, but there are also those who do not see any meaning. On the one hand, we find those who want perfection in the relationship; on the other hand, those who think that love is just a silly invention and behave in accordance with this cynical perspective.
“Perfection is sad and boring. Tired too soon ".
-Joaquin Blanco-
The ideal of perfection in the couple relationship
The desire for perfection arises from unrecognized anguish. which comes from wanting to keep everything under control, from the fact that the partner does not respond to our ideals or from thinking that it is a problem, an unnecessary obstacle.
In short, such perfectionism arises from intolerance towards uncertainty and contradiction. The most difficult aspect, in this sense, is that we human beings are just like that: infinitely anomalous and contradictory. We never fully adapt or act totally coherently.
This ideal of perfection shapes a revealing fantasy: creating the ideal partner. It might sound silly, but this desire already resides in our culture and we strive to make it come true. In the not too distant future, any of us will be able to "commission" our dream partner in a computer lab.
Eternal children?
We tend to consider people who seek perfection in love deeply self-centered and, for the same reason, extremely fragile in dealing with conflicts. After all, they are adult-children who pretend to bend reality to their desires. And it is for this reason that they define "perfect" what corresponds to their expectations and "imperfect" the opposite.
The child, due to his lack of maturity, is unable to fully understand that there is a whole world beyond himself. That otherness exists, that is "the other", "the different" and that it is just as respectable as his own. Jean Piaget, in his studies on moral development, argued that intellectual and emotional maturation is said to have been accomplished precisely when this has been understood.
The discovery of the fact that we are not perfect and that others must not be either, it implies the renunciation of the ideal of completeness or eternal happiness with which fairy tales end. You never live happily ever after and this is actually something healthy. Because it is precisely through the difficulties and contradictions that we evolve and grow.
Perfection and frustration
Perfection in the relationship of a couple it presupposes finding someone who possesses all the necessary requisites to avoid contradictions or frustrations and that, fundamentally, it does nothing but give us happiness. In this regard, we have a story that perfectly describes the situation.
It tells of a man who embarked on a long journey in search of the perfect mate and who after a few years returned home alone. His friends asked him what had happened. The man replied that in a distant country he actually found an almost perfect woman: she was beautiful and spiritual, but she did not know how to live in the earthly world, so he discarded her.
In another place he met a woman who was equally spiritual, but also skilled in worldly things, but she was not beautiful, so he discarded her. Eventually he ran into a woman who seemed to have all of her qualifications; she was the perfect woman. “And why didn't you get married?”, They asked him. “She was also obsessed with finding the perfect man,” she replied.
Investing in the world of ideals only leads to frustration. Love as a couple, like any other form of love, becomes something wonderful when we love and are loved despite imperfections. This is the real magic.
