It is common to think that having expectations in relationships is negative. But what if we told you that they are actually useful?
Last update: February 18, 2022
Expectations in the couple relationship have often been talked about as a negative element, which in the long run ends up destroying everything.
However, not having expectations can cause you to lose interest, because they do not set new goals for the future; this could also indicate a lack of certainty about the relationship. It is possible to have different expectations in the couple relationship, such as:
- What will my life be like with this person?
- Will he always love me?
- What goals will we have together?
- Will we have children?
- Will he be faithful?
If we think about studies, work, the city we live in, we will notice that expectations affect what we do, think or feel. In summary, it is about the belief that a possibility can eventually come true.
In order for an expectation to bear fruit, one must take action. If we have the expectation of working as teachers, we must train ourselves and take small steps towards the goal. If not, it will become a chimera.
But what happens when we enter the world of relationships? Are the expectations we can have useful? Am I a push or a brake?
The "bad" expectations in relationships
Expectations in the relationship are necessary. However, it is important distinguish between real ones and those that are only the result of a romantic fantasy.
This can also happen in other areas. For example, going back to the example of wanting to become a teacher, the expectation will remain just an unattainable and probably frustrated desire if it is not formed.
In the case of relationships, the main problem is that we sometimes delude ourselves. This happens especially in the phase of falling in love, in the first moments of the relationship. Then we only see the beautiful aspects of the other person and think of an idyllic future, without making a realistic analysis of the other person's profile and the situation in which he finds himself.
Furthermore, in our mind we have an ideal of what we expect from a relationship. So sometimes we want it to come true. It doesn't matter if the other person qualifies to be by your side or not. There is always the fantasy that we can change it.
“We hope so much that others are what we want, that we become unable to accept them as they really are. Therefore, it is not the people who disappoint us, but the expectations we have about them, which really cause all our disappointments ”.
-Alejandro Santafe-
These expectations in the couple relationship are not based on hard facts. It is just about ideas that can be validated by clichés such as "love can do anything", “If he really loves me he will make the effort to change”, “in time I will change him / her”.
The usefulness of expectations in the couple relationship
If we decided to eliminate all expectations, most likely there would be no couple relationships. Without expectations, the horizon fades, there is no relationship to build.
For this reason, expectations in couple relationships are useful, unless they go against the couple themselves. They are also part of the communication.
We may have the expectation of having a baby (although this may or may not eventually happen). The ideal is that your partner also wants it, otherwise it is a possibility, but not a certainty, that you change your mind. This moment may not come, causing resentment and disappointment.
On the other hand, the expectations in the couple relationship push us to build a life together. The ideal, therefore, is that the person we are with has similar expectations.
Otherwise, the relationship will most likely fail. At this point, it is also important to distinguish expectations that have deep roots in our state of mind.
"When the couple is formed, its members create expectations about how they will conduct their future life, and therefore they must establish new rules of daily coexistence, in which communication, its content, negotiation or the activities that each one carries out will influence on family harmony. Not considering these aspects, it is likely that separation will occur ”.
-Life as a couple: an issue to be negotiated-
Final reflections on expectations in the couple relationship
Good expectations management will form a solid foundation for our emotional state and our relationship. For example, what we want from the relationship, how we want to live, where, etc. Beyond that, it's not okay to pretend to impose our expectations on your partner if he doesn't share them.
We can also do self-knowledge work to distinguish the expectations we want to come true in our relationship - which are practically conditions of continuity - from those we can do without. Only in this way will we be able to build healthy relationships.
“No wind travels in favor of those who do not know which port they are heading for”.
-Seneca-
