Communication is the basis of any relationship and assertiveness is a fundamental element of the same. But how can we train it and what role does it play in the couple relationship?
Last update: February 19, 2022
Of all the existing communication styles, assertiveness is one of the most effective. However, few people are able to put it into practice, especially in couple relationships. Today we will discover how to train couple assertive communication so as to avoid the onset of conflicts.
Several articles on the subject of assertiveness explain that this social skill is a "behavior that expresses the feelings and thoughts of an individual in an honest way, without hurting others". As we can see, this aspect is fundamental in any relationship, which is why it is important to work on assertive communication as a couple.
Ways to train couple assertive communication
Assertive couple communication can be practiced every day, with small and simple actions. But in order for it to be truly effective, and to allow members of the couple to come out stronger and not hurt by an argument, it is advisable to include in one's daily life the actions that we present below.
Express what we think and feel
It may seem obvious; yet, in couple relationships the hidden thoughts or feelings are rarely expressed. For example, if it bothers us that the other person is holding the music loud, instead of telling them, we may choose to keep quiet to avoid conflict.
This is counterproductive, as we can end up exploding. These annoying moments that we can experience in our daily life are also an opportunity to exercise assertive communication as a couple. Better not to be silent and, always with respect, ask your partner to turn down the music.
Learn to speak for ourselves
For some reason, we tend not to speak in the first person when discussing with someone. Also, we have a habit of blaming our partner and we might even throw phrases like “because my friend sees things the way I see them,” for example.
This is a mistake, since it does not allow us to train assertive communication as a couple. Learning to speak firsthand helps us take responsibility for our emotions and verbalize them. If we don't know how to do it, we can use phrases like "I feel ..." or "I felt that ..."
We have two ears and one mouth to hear twice as much as we speak.
-Epitteto-
Improve the assertive communication of the couple: before attacking, it is better to ask
How many times have we attacked our partner when we were told "You are very messy" or "I don't like how you do this"? In these cases our reaction tends to be aggressive rather than assertive. If we were already used to being assertive rather than attacking, we would be able to ask for explanations.
For example, if our partner tells us that we are very messy, we can ask him how we could improve this or why he has this opinion. In doing so, we would initiate a dialogue that will lead us to a solution that is good for both sides. Because, sometimes, the partner seems like an enemy, when they don't.
Think before you speak
Although there are different ways to work on couple communication, all these methods, as we said, must be put into practice every day. Yes, there are several tips that can be of great help when we start a discussion for avoid falling into old behavioral patterns.
- Think about the message, but also about the form: Feeling bad or even attacked can lead us to hurt our partner. For this reason, it's best to breathe, stay calm, and think before speaking. There is no rush. Think that the ways you choose can invalidate your message and generate real conflict.
- Being empathetic with your partner: learning to put ourselves in the other person's shoes: a very important aspect if we really know them well.
- Don't keep yourself inside complaints: as already said, it is better to express what bothers us when we try it ... and not during a conversation where the reason for discussion is something else.
Effective communication starts with listening.
-Robert Gately-
We should all dedicate moments of our day to work on assertive communication as a couple. So, little by little, we will build an intimate relationship, in which trust can grow.
Remember that getting hurt through words is not constructive, but destructive. As Satir says in an article by him, it is good not to forget to express ourselves in a "direct, honest and respectful" way.
