“Choose the relationship instead of choosing to be right” is one of the advice given by Brené Brown, writer and lecturer at the University of Houston. With these simple words he shows us the path to follow when we engage in an argument that threatens to compromise the relationship.
Free yourself from the need to be right
Have you ever wondered where the need to be right comes from? Why do we cling to our arguments as if our lives depended on them and end up causing unnecessary confrontations? Why are we obsessed with small details that don't make a difference? Why do we always want things to go the way we want them to?
The truth is that society is designed to make us want to be right from an early age, because being right means being more capable and intelligent. Indeed, it is curious that bookstores are full of books that teach how to persuade others, but not one that teaches how to be convinced.
The interesting fact is that we can all be right, because in many cases there is no "REASON" with a capital R, but each argument has its own logic, from a certain point of view. The problem begins when we are unable to enter the other's point of view and we get stuck in ours. In this way no one wins because opinions become more and more extreme and everyone, instead of getting rich, becomes impoverished.
But even so, we cling to reason because we believe that giving in means recognizing that we are wrong, and if we do it means that we are worth less as a person. Many people see this passionate defense of their views as a display of strength of character as well.
But in most cases, clinging to "reason" is just an expression of profound insecurity and fear of opening up to other topics that require us to reorganize our mental patterns and accept things that do not fit the beliefs they have instilled in us.
On the other hand, there are also those who stand up for their reasons simply because they don't want others to think they are weak or incapable. But eliminating the need to be right does not mean that.
Eliminating the need to be "right" does not mean trashing our arguments or stop believing in certain things, it means not feeling the need to convince the other, bend him and win. And this is extremely liberating!
Losing the need to be "right" also means that we are a little more mature and tolerant, because we accept that others have their own opinions, which do not necessarily have to correspond to ours and, even so, find commonalities that strengthen the relationship.
Consciously preferring the relationship rather than being right
Wanting to be right at all costs often means getting involved in real power struggles. And every battle, not only consumes the energy of the parties, but also deteriorates the relationship because each one will move further and further away from the other in an attempt to defend ever more different positions. It means being at war, and no relationship strengthens and grows on a battlefield.
So, on many occasions, the wisest thing to do is to prefer the relationship rather than be right. This does not mean blindly accepting the arguments of the other, it means taking a step beyond the childhood conflict and assuming that there are different opinions, but that above them there is the bond that unites us.
Eventually, this change of attitude will end up infecting the other person as well, who will realize that it is useless to argue to be right, and that it is much better to reach a win-win agreement in which the relationship strengthens and increases in level.
This tacit agreement in which everyone holds their own opinions is a profound expression of respect, flexibility and tolerance. It's like saying: “I love you, I appreciate you and I respect you even if we don't think the same way”. Loving a person, without trying to change him, is the greatest proof of love.
You probably don't realize it, but what really pisses you off is not the fact that the other person has a different opinion from yours, but the bondage you are showing towards your ideas. Remember that in life you have to choose the battles that are worth fighting, and it is often better to be happy than to be right.
- 3Get Personal Growh
