Not knowing how to end a relationship can be a serious problem, especially when we don't want to accept being left behind. Is forcing a relationship a good idea? Why do we struggle to accept being left behind?
Last update: February 19, 2022
Ending a romantic relationship is one of the most feared experiences for many people. In general, it is a difficult moment both for those who decide to put a point and for those who are left. It seems that saying goodbye does not suit us perfectly.
On the other hand, it is commonplace to think that leaving is easier. Being left is not exactly pleasant either. So, when we combine not knowing to leave with not wanting to be left, we enter a tunnel that can claim victims. Not knowing how to end a relationship can harm our psychological health.
Being immersed in a relationship that no longer satisfies us can make us feel stress, anxiety, sadness, discouragement, etc. Moreover, this path is not always all roses and flowers. In some cases, when we are finally willing to put an end to it, the partner begs with a "don't leave me", and the situation could get complicated again.
For some people, ending a relationship leaves no room for doubt: when it's over, it's over. For others, however, it is an ordeal. Why do we insist that they don't leave us?
Are we forcing a relationship that is already at an end? To what extent is it good to hinder the other from ending the relationship? Let's go deeper into the matter.
I don't know how to leave my partner
Many people report having great difficulty leaving their partner. They are no longer happy, they no longer feel any involvement, yet they are unable to end the relationship.
Many times behind this inability hides the fear of hurting. When leaving someone is a cause of pain for those who are left (or so it is thought), many are unable to take this step. Knowing that they are responsible for such suffering for the other person paralyzes them. But are they really responsible?
The same happens when you decide to end the relationship and don't want to hear reasons. One gets the feeling that the ex's suffering is one's responsibility. At this point we must ask ourselves if there is really a guilt or a responsibility in hurting. Sure, breaking up can cause pain, but don't we hurt ourselves more by living in a lie?
Each of us must learn to live with emotions labeled as harmful like those we can experience at work, with the death of a relative or with the end of a relationship.
“Don't leave me” when it's time to end the relationship
Another difficulty we run into when a relationship ends is not accepting to be left. How many couples insist on maintaining the relationship because one of them refuses to put an end to it?
How many stay with their partner out of grief or out of sorrow? “I don't want to hurt you, let's try to see if we can rekindle the flame”, many think.
Learning to be broken up is essential to make the breakup less painful as possible. Giving the relationship a chance isn't a bad idea, but when the partner expresses his discontent on several occasions, why force the situation? Why stay with someone who doesn't want to be with us?
Psychologist Ana Doménech (1994) states that the end of a relationship is “a stress factor that affects the well-being of the person, especially if he refuses to break away from his partner. But what is hiding those who do not want to be left? ”.
Obstructing the end of the relationship can be a symptom of a sick attachment. If we put our happiness in our partner's hands, we will feel terrified of losing him. Nevertheless, fortunately, our happiness depends more on ourselves than on our partner, even if sometimes we are not aware of it.
Attachment breeds suffering; from attachment fear arises. For those who are free there is no suffering or fear. "
-Buddha-
Alzugaray and GarcĂa (2015) argue that “rarely both partners agree on the end of the relationship; in principle, one of the two is still in love, while the other is not, so you have to consider the emotional mechanisms that follow a breakup like a real mourning ".
Acceptance phase and learning to be alone
Not knowing how to end the relationship may want to represent a strong attachment to the other person. Can also indicate that we do not know how to be with ourselves, and this may be the result of a deep fear of being alone. But how to deal with the moment when they tell us they no longer want to be with us?
Trying to fight for the relationship can work in some cases, but when the other person does does not want to continue, you have to accept the situation and learn to be alone. It's time to take advantage of that point and back to start over with ourselves.
If we look at the object of our attachment with a new simplicity, we will understand that it is not the object of desire that makes us suffer, but the way in which we attach ourselves to it.
-Matthieu Ricard-
Acceptance is an active process and aims to integrate everything that happens and, based on this, make decisions. There are events that we will be able to control and others that will escape our control.
When our partner expresses intention to end the relationship and there is nothing we can do about it, the situation is no longer under our control. The best thing to do, therefore, is to accept it.
As desperate as we are, begging not to break up is an option to be avoided. Forcing a relationship involves malaise, so in addition to accepting its end, we must also learn to be alone. Nobody belongs to us.
As much as we think our partner is "ours", in reality he is a free person, who voluntarily chose to stay with us. And here, just as he arrived by free choice, she can choose to leave just as freely.
