Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Living with people addicted to conflicts and quarrels is like being in a minefield. These individuals face life and the social environment with their malaise and with the anxiety of those who know that a comment, a gesture or a word is enough to get upset. They infect others with their dependence on conflicts, with their tension, typical of those who do nothing but fight hard internal battles.
In life, we all know or have known people who are clearly conflicted. We are not talking about those who want to create problems due to a failure to overcome the adolescent phase and consequent identity crisis. We are rather referring to a precise profile, characterized by a behavior aimed at destabilizing, breaking the family balance, creating disputes between neighbors and real personal battles in any life scenario.. People who develop a real conflict addiction.
It is an addiction, because it is an almost compulsive pursuit of confrontation. Dr. Bill Eddy, mediator and founder of an association that helps resolve inner conflicts, says that this personality is present in all areas in our culture. You need to be aware of what a similar profile hides in order to better manage it.
People with Conflict Addiction: Anatomy of Anger
We could say that the best strategy for dealing with conflicting people is to avoid them. However, we can't always solve life's hardships by walking out the back door, lengthening the distance, or eliminating people from our contacts. As social beings, we are forced to live together and there is a possibility that we ourselves are conflicted, used to resorting to confrontation when we can't deal with something.
On the other hand, in the workplace, legal, social and psychological it is easy to hear about these personalities, because behind requests, complaints, cases of violence, labor disputes, people who are addicted to confrontation hide. As you can see, it is a reality where a person projects his anger onto others.
We also advise you to read: Conflicting people sow toxic environments
Dr. Eddy believes that about 15% of the adult population has a psychological disorder among those identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as DSM-V, and that at least 10% of this percentage suffers from high conflict personality. Let us now see what characteristics and behaviors distinguish an individual with conflict addiction.
What are people with conflict addiction like?
In the case of high-conflict personalities, the problem is that the dispute or overreaction they project on us is not real. The problem is not us, they are the ones who have a problem of lack of inner balance, of emotional management skills, of psychological strength.
Read also: Pride: a great conflict producer
Here are the characteristics of people with this disorder:
- Their way of thinking is based on "all or nothing". They do not analyze, they are not flexible, they do not pause to weigh the pros and cons of a situation. They limit themselves to giving a response based on aggression or criticism when something does not please them or does not meet their expectations.
- They have poor emotional control. Some conflicted people have some degree of control over their emotions, but they do so with a single purpose: to emotionally manipulate others. Others, on the other hand, simply unload their anger and frustration on others to the point of creating a very unpleasant atmosphere.
- They destabilize social environments and people. People addicted to confrontation are adept at creating bad mood, criticizing, displaying dominant behavior, humiliating or offending all the time.
- They have little or no resistance to frustration and are always looking for a scapegoat. They do not tolerate that something does not go according to their expectations. This feeds their frustration which then turns into anger that they try to unload on someone.
- Their thoughts are dominated by negative emotions.
- They are unable to reflect on their behavior.
- They struggle to empathize.
- They avoid any responsibility when there are problems or a solution needs to be found.
How to deal with conflict addicts?
There are people in whom this dependence on conflicts is very strong and others with whom, instead, it is possible to reason. In many cases we are forced to live with complex and stressful profiles and it is therefore necessary to take appropriate measures. A first aspect that should not be underestimated is the following: we must avoid taking personally the reactions of these people, in reality they are in conflict with themselves.
As far as possible, no time should be wasted arguing or explaining to someone who does not want to understand reasons. There is no point in letting oneself be influenced by his torments: it is enough to recognize them to deactivate their impact.
From a clinical point of view, it is important to talk about how to intervene with these people. The authors of the DSM-V are evaluating the possibility of including high conflict personality as a real disorder, so the importance of adequate psychological treatment should not be underestimated. You could work on important aspects such as emotional management, control and the origin of anger or learn to bond with others through empathy and more respectful behaviors.
With such people, you need to set limits, but also understand that behind the uncomfortable façade of “looking for problems” hides a world of complexity and unhealed wounds that require the right attention. Nobody wants to have a conflicted personality.
