Many couples endure the unspeakable together, despite not loving each other, just for the sake of their children. Children are aware of this unhappiness and suffer the impact of a climate of resentment, reproach and frustration.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
There are many couples who only stay together for their children. In their minds, the outdated idea still prevails that good parents are equally present in their children's daily lives.
It does not matter that there is an atmosphere of resentment, frustration and bad words. They do not think about the fact that their decisions contradict each other and that the little ones are witnesses of a continuous pitched battle.
These people are convinced that in any good traditional family, the best thing is for children to grow up with both parents in the same home, whatever the cost. Because children come first and every effort is justified for them.
As we can well imagine, the mere presence of two people who do not love each other has a serious impact on the child's brain. Many experts remember this situation.
Bad habits, aggressive behavior, and negative emotions that are seen directly shape children. They are likely to integrate these poor interpersonal and parenting skills in the future.
Some children may be neglected in a home where parents are sometimes more focused on their relationship problems and disagreements.
Couples who stay together only for their children: why is this not the right thing to do?
When love disintegrates and affection falls apart, the ashes rarely rekindle a relationship. The most consistent thing to do in these cases is to leave the person and start your life again separately. Everyone will agree on this. All but a few couples who choose to hold out a little longer for the sake of their children.
It is true that every separation or divorce affects younger children. It is also clear that for a time they will suffer from seeing their habits change and, of course, their own life which will have to be divided between both parents.
However, as surprising as it may seem, there are dimensions that are much more harmful to a child's psychological well-being that the separation of the parents.
It is important to consider the extremes that continuing a relationship can lead to when there is no longer any affection or love. Sharing the same roof and having to see a person you no longer love every day can lead to infidelity. In the most extreme cases, bad words and even psychological abuse will appear. All of this has serious consequences.
Couples who stay together only for their children: what effects on children?
Couples who stay together only for their children are not always aware of the effects this can have on the little ones. Although the phenomenology associated with these events is different, on average we can see the following realities:
- Inattention. Sometimes parents worry more about their disagreements than their children, and at some point they may begin to neglect them.
- Educational contradictions. When there is no harmony in a couple, it is common to give contradictory orders and decide for oneself on the education of children.
- As coexistence disintegrates and becomes more difficult, they experience greater anxiety, discomfort, anguish and despair. An unhappy parent with a compromised mental state cannot carry out his education and instructional duties with the same sensitivity and quality.
- Projection of blame on children. If an unloving couple stays in the same house because of the children, it is very likely that at some point, when the cohabitation deteriorates, they will see the children as guilty of the situation.
- A family climate defined by scolding, arguing, screaming, disaffection and even contempt ends up affecting the child's brain. Growing up in an unhappy environment always leaves its mark.
Living apart is difficult, but it's best for children when there is no affection
Times are changing. In our grandparents 'generation, or even our parents' generation, it was common to endure the unspeakable in a relationship before breaking up. Breakups, separations and divorces are much more common nowadays. Despite this, there are still couples who only stay together for their children.
The existing scientific documentation is clear. The study conducted at the Universities of Los Angeles, Chicago and Princeton tells us that it is wrong to promote relational stability at all costs for the psychological well-being of the child. Growing up in a home where parents don't love each other is counterproductive.
The most important thing in all cases is to help children overcome this change. If it is true that every separation is painful and that every situation is unique and particular, we must facilitate the correct management of emotions for children and adolescents, attitudes and thoughts.
While growing up in a home where a couple loves each other is the most desirable thing for children, research shows that when divorce is handled well, it can be the healthiest option.
How to help children cope with the end of a relationship?
Parents need to understand, that while every separation or divorce focuses on personal grief for the event, children cannot be neglected.
- It is important to make sure they feel safe and loved at all times.
- We need to explain the truth of the situation to them. Honesty is the key.
- We are careful not to blame. Avoid pitting children against the other spouse or partner.
- Facilitate dialogue, answer all their questions and help them manage their emotions.
- Make sure they always have clear routines.
To conclude, despite the harshness and complexity of these situations, the truth is that if we manage all these points well, parents and children will find stability after a few months. Committing to the welfare of our youngest children is the most important thing.
