The relationship as a couple is a bond that must be cultivated day after day. The daily coexistence exposes the partners to the most varied conflicts and differences. The lack of love and mutual respect in resolving such conflicts can result in destructive behavior, such as to make the relationship fade.
Last update: June 02, 2022
Dr. John Gottman is one of the pioneers in the study of love affairs. After studying couples for years, he claims that there are certain destructive behaviors, predictive of the failure of a relationship.
On the other hand, there are couples who get along in love and harmony and this, once again, has to do with a series of predictors of the continuity of the relationship over time, as well as its well-being. In any case, the factors that should never be missing in a relationship of any kind are: respect, affection, trust and communication.
If we have a relationship in which these factors are present, we can be sure: it will work, regardless of the discussions or conflicts that may arise. If, on the contrary, we notice that any of these elements are missing, it is important to start working on them, precisely to avoid future destructive behaviors in the couple.
Love is an activity, not a passive effect; It's a continuation, not a sudden start. "
-Erich Fromm-
Destructive behaviors in the couple relationship
As anticipated, there are some behaviors in relationships that herald failure. In this article we will indicate those that we believe are most relevant and that undermine the foundations of healthier relationships (respect, affection, trust and communication).
- Contempt. To despise your partner means to put him in an inferior position compared to your own. It includes certain behaviors such as humiliating, expressing destructive or unhelpful criticisms, or insulting and disrespecting. Obviously, if the partner despises us and does so continuously and constantly, it means that he does not love us. In this case, it is important to reflect on whether it really is the case to carry on the relationship.
- Ignore. It is one of the most destructive behaviors that exist. Ignoring the partner in the presence of a conflict or an argument means forgetting that this person (with whom we are and, therefore, who we should love) feels the need to communicate, to express themselves and to be supported. The ignored person can feel tremendously humiliated and in the long run usually ends up with zero self-esteem, also believing that they do not deserve the attention of the other or have done something wrong.
- Cancel partner. If we live in a relationship where the partner tells us how we should be, what we should be interested in, which friends we should be dating, etc., it means that he is canceling us out. To love a person means to accept them as they are, unconditionally. It is precisely because of her way of being that, it is assumed, we have chosen her. When he pretends to change the other, he doesn't really love him.
- Codependency. This behavior is also extremely relevant. Some people are unable to leave their partner because they feel they need it. They prefer to endure criticism, cancellation, indifference rather than being alone. At the same time, the other person feels stronger because the partner is dependent on him / her. We therefore enter the field of emotional codependency, which is extremely destructive and can lead to dire consequences for the couple.
- Never try hard. It is true that we should always be honest with our partner and show ourselves as we are, but sometimes it is also necessary to give in. For example, if the partner asks us to accompany him to an event, we can make an effort even if we don't feel like it. Similarly, it is necessary that on other occasions it is the other to reciprocate. In this sense, we will demonstrate with actions that we love the partner and that sometimes sacrificing ourselves is not a problem.
Why do we endure so long?
Couples often endure these destructive behaviors for too long. It is perfectly normal, at times, to make mistakes and it is healthy to be flexible and tolerant with your partner, to understand that he may have been wrong. The problem arises when these behaviors are recurrent and define the relationship. Think about how you imagine yourself together with your partner: hand in hand? While you kiss? While you fight? This image will largely reflect your thoughts on the partner.
If we are aware, even minimally, of the fact that the partner has become toxic, we absolutely must analyze the pros and cons of the relationship and be ready to leave him. We often find it difficult to end a relationship for fear of loneliness. We think of loneliness in a catastrophic and non-objective way. We think we will find ourselves totally alone, but in reality we are surrounded by many people.
«Why, in general, is solitude shunned? Because there are very few who find the company of themselves. "
-Carlo Dossi-
On the other hand, there are some thoughts that self-deceive us, preventing us from ending the relationship. One of the most common is "I'm sure it will change". Another typical thought is "If I end the relationship, I will find someone who will be better off". Try to ignore these thoughts. In reality, they are the result of a deep fear of abandonment or loneliness, which although they are born to "protect us", end up producing the opposite effect.
The most sensible thing to do is to stop deceiving yourself, look at the facts objectively, as a spectator of the relationship, and finally make a firm decision. Once we have overcome this stage, the most difficult, we will have to be willing to go through the tunnel of pain for separation so as to come out renewed and ready for acceptance.
