"Satisfaction in individual love cannot be achieved without true humility, courage, faith and discipline", wrote Erich Fromm in the mid-1900s, to which today Zygmunt Bauman adds that "in a culture where such qualities are rare, being successful in the ability to love is a strange result. "
In a world where everything is impermanent and changes at breakneck speed, our relationships are also changing, they have become liquid relationships. This is how disposable loves arose, ephemeral and superficial that practically die before being born, leaving disappointment and some emotional wounds in their wake.
Love in the consumer society and immediacy
“When quality disappoints you or is not accessible, you are inclined to replace it with quantity,” said Bauman. This consumerist thinking, whether we like it or not, has crept into our view of the world and of love. Thus we end up immersed in a tide of relationships as brief as they are superficial, in which each makes a promise destined to break as soon as the ideal conditions begin to crack.
“We look for love to find help, trust, security, but the unfortunate and perhaps infinite works of love generate in turn conflicts, uncertainties and insecurities. In love there are no quick fixes, such as once and for all, no certainty of perpetual and total satisfaction, there is no guarantee that the money will be returned if total satisfaction is not instant. "
Bauman was referring to the uncertainty inherent in sentimental relationships which contrasts with the certain and instant satisfaction to which the consumer society has accustomed us.
In any case, “all the paid anti-risk mechanisms that our consumer society has accustomed us to expect are not given in love. Misled by unscrupulous salespeople, we have lost the skill to take risks and neutralize them on our own. Thus we develop the tendency to flatten our love relationships according to the 'consumerist' style, the only one with which we feel comfortable and safe ”, he adds.
When this satisfaction ceases, either due to the wear and tear of the object / relationship, because we are bored or because there is a new, more stimulating version / person, we discard the object / love and set out in search of our neighbor in the hope of satisfying , if only for a moment, our new needs.
The idea of ​​love "until death do us part" has become obsolete. It has been replaced by “a confluent love, which lasts only as long as - and not a moment longer - it satisfies both members of the couple. In the case of relationships, we want that permission to enter also entails permission to leave as soon as we see that there is no reason to stay ”, in the words of Bauman.
The traps of disposable relationships
This shift in the way you take on relationships can seem extremely liberating. There is no doubt. But in treating love as an object, we forget that starting a relationship always requires mutual consent, but its ending is usually one-sided. This means that disposable relationships are doomed to anxiety generated by the fear of being abandoned / discarded.
What is initially perceived as extreme freedom, being together without conditions or ties, compromises or promises, leads us to a painful ambivalence. We seek love to satisfy our needs for affection, connection, and emotional validation, but “throwaway” relationships actually take us away from the stability and emotional bond we need.
If we think that making long-term commitments and obligations doesn't make sense, that it is counterproductive, foolish, or even dangerous to our personal freedom, we won't put much effort into making the relationship work. If the relationship starts with an expiration date, we won't even try to connect emotionally by trying to really understand the other person.
This will lead us to move from one relationship to another, more and more dissatisfied each time, generating the conviction that love does not exist or that there is no one out there who is worth meeting. We point the finger outward when the real problem is that "we don't know what to do to have the relationships we want, and what's worse, we're not sure what kind of relationships we want."
Mature and committed love as an antidote to the love of the consumer society
“To love means to be determined to share two biographies, each with its different load of experiences and memories and its own journey. For the same reason, it means an agreement for the future.
"It also means becoming dependent on another person with similar freedom and willing to keep the choice made and therefore a person full of surprises and unpredictable," wrote Bauman.
Mature love, says Erich Fromm, is one in which two people compromise without losing their individuality, creating a common space that becomes bigger than them and allows them to grow together looking in the same direction.
Mature relationships are not without conflict, but every conflict is an opportunity to grow, strengthen and interpenetrate. In disposable relationships, conflicts are the excuse to discard the person and look for someone else. This avoidant confrontation style not only prevents us from growing, but condemns us to repeatedly make the same mistakes.
We must understand that the anxiety generated by consumerist relationships about the imminent possible separation on the horizon is exorcised with the compromise, dedication and willingness of both parties to work to resolve the problems and conflicts that arise.
Mature love does not guarantee that the relationship will survive, but it is a guarantee of mutual commitment. And that's usually enough.
