Commitment is necessary for a relationship to last, but it is rarely enough to make it satisfying in the long term. Find out which elements are indispensable in a couple relationship.
Last update: December 14, 2022
The concept of love is different for each person and the dynamics of the couple can vary greatly. There are those who give priority to the partner and those who value freedom; for some the sexual sphere is a fundamental pillar, while for others it is only a complement. In any case, when a relationship is based only on commitment, we are faced with an empty love.
Paradoxically, this is typical of many couples who have been together for years. The passage of time alienates emotionally, the routine wears down the bond, making everyday life and commitment the factors on which the relationship is based.
It is so common that we have come to normalize it. We resign ourselves to living an empty love, thinking that it is inevitable and that we cannot aspire to anything else.
However, being a couple is more than just living together and sharing obligations; no matter how long it takes, it is in our power to cultivate a more complete and fulfilling bond.
Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love
The concept of empty love stems from Sternberg's famous triangular theory. This American psychologist made important contributions to the understanding of interpersonal and emotional relationships, developing a theory that is still a point of reference today.
Per Sternberg, l’ love is like a pyramid with three vertices; each of them contains an essential element for shaping love.
Passion
It refers to physical attraction, arousal, and the urge or need to be close to the other person. It encompasses the whole realm of sexuality, but is not limited to it.
It also contemplates intense romantic desire and a tendency to seek physical and emotional union with the other. It is very present at the beginning of the relationship and it is normal for it to decrease over time.
Privacy
The intimacy it is the connection, the complicity and the trust between the members of the couple. It designates the feelings of friendship, affection and mutual closeness. Intimacy allows relationship members to get to know each other, thus fueling trust.
This element predominates in the more advanced stages of the relationship, when the passion stabilizes and the couple rediscovers themselves in the change.
Commitment
The latter aspect yes refers to the decision to carry on the long-term relationship. It is the will to remain together despite the difficulties, in favor of shared history and the project of life in common.
Empty love: a consequence of neglect
On the basis of the three elements proposed by Sternberg, various combinations can be born that give rise to seven types of love. For example, infatuation arises when there is only passion; sociable love when intimacy and commitment are combined.
In the case of empty love, only the will to continue is present, or there is only the commitment; there is no complicity or sexual or romantic desire.
This love is typical of relationships of interest or convenience, but as pointed out, it is also common among couples who have been together for a long time. We stay together for the children, for mutual friends, for the house we share, but the two people have become two complete strangers.
It is a fact that the passage of time transforms relationships and science explains it. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin or endorphins decrease after the first few years, reducing the intensity of the sensations experienced.
Love, however, is not determined by biology, but depends on how much we cultivate and care for the bond. Several researches indicate that after 20 years of relationship, some couples have the same brain activation at the sight of their partner.
In other words, they feel passion, intimacy and desire on a par with their early years. And this is due to the habits and behaviors they have maintained to take care of the bond.
From empty love to consummated love
Per Sternberg, l’consummated love is the highest aspiration of an emotional relationship, since it consists of the three components of the pyramid.
It is undeniable, commitment is essential for a couple because no love is flexible and intense enough to survive the changes imposed by life.
However, it is possible to work to restore lost passion and intimacy. To do this, we need to address the areas that tend to lead to empty love:
- Neglect of physical appearance which reduces attraction.
- Obligations, routines and excess commitments that prevent you from spending quality time together.
- Poor sharing with the partner of worries, tribulations, dreams and desires.
- A monotonous and repetitive routine that leads to a loss of stimulus for both.
- Poorly managed stress which makes you irritable and causes negative interactions with your partner.
- Neglecting the relationship and taking it for granted, abandoning essential elements such as details, kindness, gratitude and daily displays of affection.
Countering empty love is possible
It is in our power to enhance the aspects that have been lacking in the relationship, understanding the causes and working as a team to revitalize the bond.
Couples therapy can be very helpful in these cases, as it offers communication tools and guidelines to awaken sleeping love.
Remember that passion and intimacy can fluctuate at different times in the bond and that doesn't mean you have to settle for empty love.
