Past loves are never forgotten. It doesn't matter if they had the bitter taste of tears or if they only lasted a summer. Each of us is made up of stories, and love is an indelible mark on the brain.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Forgetting a love is like trying to scratch a graphene surface: impossible. Because there are unforgettable memories, stories and experiences that have been written with passion and with that magic that leaves indelible traces in our memory. Whether we like it or not, it is impossible to erase the loves of yesterday, because they too have helped us to be who we are today.
The Lebanese writer Khalil Gibran said in one of his stories that the heart has to break, at some point, in order to really open. Perhaps it is true that you learn to love and that broken hearts are the ones that hide the greatest wisdom, between the lines of their scars. In any case, and beyond the disappointments experienced and the happiness enjoyed, there is an obvious fact: the brain never forgets what it once loved.
It matters little whether they give us magic formulas, advice or sophisticated strategies to erase from our memories that person we once loved more than anything else. It is useless. Because what has been lived is not forgotten; we simply end up accepting this absence, by accepting what has been (and can no longer be) and giving ourselves a way to extend our wealth of experience and learning.
The cut rope can be knotted again, it can be grabbed, but it has now been cut. Perhaps we will meet again, but there, where you have abandoned me, you will no longer find me.
-Bertolt Brecht-
Forgetting a love is impossible for our brain
Leaving a relationship behind and ending it as soon as possible is sometimes necessary. It is for the good of both, to preserve dignity and to avoid getting hurt. As they rightly say: a break in time is the only way out of it whole. Regardless of whether the end of a relationship is by mutual agreement or is taken by just one of the two partners, the pain that follows is usually immense.
Some studies indicate that, in general, it takes between 6 and 18 months to really get over a breakup. Forgetting a love is impossible because no one can change their memories on command. However, we can regulate the emotional impact and make bereavement a basic and necessary path by which to manage feelings to accept the new situation.
As we well know, love is an intense emotion, sometimes chaotic and even disordered. No relationship is the same, which is why there are those who find it more difficult to deal with it, while others turn the page with ease. In any case, forgetting a love is impossible due to the characteristics of our brain. Let's see more details below.
Emotional memory and somatic markers
Human beings are essentially emotional creatures who one day learned to reason. Emotions are that backbone that connects us to each other. Thanks to them, we build bonds, become attached, identify risks and promote our well-being.
All of this explains why love is so important to the brain. It is about that fabric that makes us feel safe and valued in that social group that makes up a couple. Loving and being loved gives calm, fights stress and fear. Like this, facts such as a betrayal, a disappointment, an unexpected or agreed breakup, always cause pain.
On the other hand, there is our emotional memory. When we build an emotional bond with someone, multiple somatic markers are created. These are experiences that the brain associates with intense emotional sensations: kisses, caresses, hugs, smells, conversations and moments of complicity ... All this constitutes the imprint of well-being, happiness, illusion, pleasure and so on.
These emotional markers, as well as somatic ones, are created by very resistant neurocircuits. In other words, they will always stay there. For this reason, sometimes we just need to smell a smell or visit a specific place for not only memories to emerge in that instant, but also the sensations experienced in a specific past moment.
There are loves that represent a part of us and of our history
If forgetting a love is impossible, it is also due to a more than evident fact. If we could erase that relationship from our memory, we would erase ourselves as well. People are made not only of flesh and blood, but also of stories.
Among the memories linked to a past love is therefore also our I of the past. A younger and more naive version of ourselves who let himself be carried away by someone. The brain will never choose to forget that version of our past selves.
Doing so would mean taking a step back in our personal growth; because whatever we have lived, felt and even suffered has allowed us to be who we are today. It would therefore be a shame to do without any comma or fragment of our life path. For better or for worse, that's who we are and the beauty is that we have the opportunity to continue writing better stories, because love is always worth living.
