We know that love is not the cure for loneliness, indeed there is no worse suffering than having found the love of our life and suddenly feeling the loneliness of indifference, distance and emotional coldness.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
You are by my side, but I don't hear you. Loneliness in love can be devastating; it is almost like perceiving the presence of an open window through which the cold enters. At the same time, the passion, interest and complicity that ignited caresses and smiles vanish.
Almost without knowing how, this indifference is followed by sudden hostility, reproaches and those looks which, far from seeking each other, begin to avoid each other. Certainly all of us would like to that all the love we profess to someone is returned to us with the same intensity (so much I give, so much I receive).
We would like there to always be a perfect and absolute balance in emotional relationships. Love and be loved alike, with the same energy, form and passion. However, each of us does it in our own way, with our own language, with better and worse abilities.
From this point of view, few experiences cause as much suffering as feeling the partner's progressive indifference. As surprising as it may seem to us, the reason for this does not always lie in the lack of love.
Sometimes, this reality is typical of emotionally inaccessible people, as well as alexithymics and those who simply don't understand that love is more than physical presence. Genuine love requires action, emotion, connection and reciprocity.
"Loneliness is admired and desired when it is not suffered, but the human need to share things is evident".
-Carmen Martin Gaite-
Loneliness in love, a very common reality
Merely having a partner offers no safeguard against loneliness. This fact is evidenced by the data obtained in the studies on loneliness that are published every year.
We know, for example, that loneliness is already an epidemic among the elderly population; however, in recent years we have been discovering how even the youngest group significantly highlights this reality.
This is why it is important to talk about what we mean by "perceived loneliness". That is, what appears despite the fact that the person has a partner, family or has a large social network. As Robert Weiss, a social psychologist and expert in this field, taught us, “loneliness is what we experience when we miss something we need”.
Similarly, it is this author who has established the difference between social and emotional loneliness. The latter is the one that arises especially at the couple level, where there is a lack of attachment, commitment and those affective nutrients that make up a happy and healthy bond.
Likewise, until not so long ago, no particular attention was paid to this type of loneliness; however, from a clinical point of view we know that these situations generate high levels of distress. The implications for mental and physical health are enormous.
Loneliness in love has many faces
MarĂa Teresa Bazo, sociologist and expert in social well-being and quality of life, points out that "It is entirely possible that the worst loneliness is that experienced in company" (Base, 1989).
The truth is that loneliness in love can be felt for years, and even decades, without remedying this grave fact. However, it is important to be able to recognize the mediating factors, as they can be as diverse as they are surprising.
- First of all, it must be emphasized that some people start a relationship precisely to extinguish their loneliness, their fears and their emptiness. This is the case with those with trauma or low self-esteem. They will rarely feel happy or supported by the relationship. They will always feel that they are missing “something”, the feeling of loneliness is never relieved.
- There are, on the other hand, even profiles with serious difficulties in sharing, talking about their feelings or to emotionally validate the partner. They don't understand the language of affection; because they don't know it, can't or don't want to.
- Loneliness in love can also appear due to the burden of routine. We let ourselves be carried away by everyday life, pressures, jobs and occupations, forgetting to assist and nourish the most important thing: the emotional relationship.
- Last but not least, there is the most common element: disaffection.
Effects of emotional distance
When loneliness in love and emotional distance appear, we experience a number of very common psychological realities. Stress arises in the face of uncertainty, anguish, fear of not being loved and, at times, even hostility.
Not receiving explanations or being suspended in that limbo where neither breaking up nor trying to resolve the situation generates frustration.
Reproaches, arguments and other distances may appear. All of this has repercussions at work and in the rest of our relationships. These are undoubtedly very delicate situations.
What should we do when we experience loneliness in love?
Healthy solitude is always preferable to standing beside someone else. We know that social or physical loneliness is painful, but emotional loneliness is more profound and particular precisely because it devalues ​​dignity and self-esteem.
Maintaining a relationship that extends the abyss of emotional coldness and indifference makes no sense. Faced with these realities, there are only two options: solve the problem or end the relationship.
In such cases a couple psychologist can be of great help to be able to work on the difficulties and find the solution answer.
In any case, it is clear that loneliness in love is more common than you think. And the cost is unfortunately immense.
