Love-hate relationships can be harmful if action is not taken in time. But why can we feel love and hate towards a person at the same time? What lies behind this sentiment with two opposing faces?
Last update: January 02, 2022
Love-hate relationships are not a rarity. It may be that in front of others it is not possible to admit that one's relationship is made up in equal parts of love and hate. Especially following the rise of social networks, most relationships seem idyllic.
Nevertheless, behind the mask of happiness, a bivalent feeling is very often hidden, in which love and hate are opposed.
But what are these relationships made of love and hate due to? Why do you get to have both feelings that are opposed to each other? Maybe love isn't really one of the elements of the equation, maybe it is another feeling, another emotion, another sensation? Ready to find out?
A little bit at a time
At the beginning of a relationship we usually have idyllic moments, but as time goes by, one of the two begins to make irony, sarcasm, indirect inferences, etc. And here is that slowly a contradictory feeling emerges in those who receive this treatment.
On one side, there is a feeling of love, but another of aversion, anger and even hatred also emerges. Very often the partner is not aware of why this occurs.
Love-hate relationships begin gradually. Whoever is treated worse may begin to adapt their style in response to that of their partner. This means that not only does one of the two disrespect the other, but that they both end up treating each other badly.
The relationship thus turns into a dysfunctional relationship; it is time to analyze what is happening. The question to ask is: what is love based on if there is also hatred?
Love and hate coexist
Love can come from the memory of the first idyllic moments. “Before it was all very nice. It will certainly be as it once was ”, many people tend to think. On the other hand, to keep standing many love-hate relationships is not love, but addiction. Initial love leaves room for emotional dependence, attachment to the other person.
This addiction makes it difficult more often than not to end the relationship. It would be more correct to call it addiction-hate relationships.
Moreover, we tend to attribute the cause of our unhappiness to the partner: "you have changed, you do not make me happier". A similar dynamic feeds the feeling of hatred, because we identify the cause of our lack of happiness in the partner.
Love is not looking at each other, but looking together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry-
It is not always that obvious
The situation described above is accompanied by another. Some couples, in fact, do not disrespect each other, yet there is a latent aversion. What at first was idyllic and helped to grow, over time has turned into a kind of aversion without knowing very well why.
When we start a relationship we tend to idealize the other person. With the passage of time, however, we also begin to see his defects, those aspects that we like less. Little by little some of his attitudes, even if harmless, begin to annoy us.
Many people ask themselves: “If my partner hasn't done me anything wrong, why can't I stand it? Why does everything about him or her bother me? I do not understand". These situations require more in-depth analysis.
On the one hand, one clings to the initial idealization of the partner; a memory that we think will one day come back forgetting that we all change with the passage of time. On the other hand, we realize that we are not in tune with our partner.
The relationship begins fleetingly and there is a tendency to neglect everything; falling in love gives space to love, the two people begin to know each other, until they realize they are not compatible. Yet, where there was love in the beginning, addiction has arisen.
This very addiction makes it difficult to end a relationship: “neither with you, nor without you”. Neither is satisfied with the relationship, but one is unable to place a period.
Relationships of love and hate are more common than they seem
We are taught that it is a short step from love to hate. Yet we have to decide not to hate. In the first case, or when the two members of the couple begin to disrespect each other, the most sincere choice is to turn to a professional or to end the relationship: love has taken a back seat and only bad manners and addiction remain.
In the second case, instead of hating your partner because they don't make us happy, the healthiest thing to do is to recognize that they don't have to meet our expectations. In this way we can try to accept it as it is or make a decision about the future of the couple.
Before starting a relationship, the ideal would be not to exaggerate in terms of expectations; this will avoid unpleasant disappointments. On the other hand, if we learn to enjoy solitude, it will be more difficult for us to develop addiction to our partner.
By learning to be alone with ourselves, as the relationship progresses it will be easier to accept the other as they are, with strengths and weaknesses and avoid falling into the vicious circle of love-hate relationships. When we learn to be comfortable with ourselves and not delude ourselves about the other person, then we are freer to appreciate and accept them.
