While it might seem contradictory, many overprotective families do not make loving gestures towards their children. Control and hyper-vigilance contrast with the emotional coldness that ends up having repercussions on the autonomy of the youngest.
Last update: 27 September, 2022
There are strange realities capable of causing deep wounds and among these are the overprotective families who do not show affection. Although it may seem contradictory, it is a more frequent phenomenon than we think, indeed it is these "strange" combinations that prevail in the real world.
It is often said that the right upbringing is the result of a mix of authority and small doses of affection. This idea has led many families to use therapeutic recipes far removed from the vision of a transformative and dynamic education in which emotions play a primary role.
Overprotective families that show no signs of affection are yet another version of a strange form of emotional repression that has been carried on for many generations, passed on from parents to children.
Overprotective families that show no signs of affection: what are they like?
In terms of functional analysis, the subject who suffers abuse within the family unit expresses a specific function with his behavior: experiential avoidance, a behavioral escape from the reality in which he finds himself.
His environment offers no reinforcement whatsoever, only aversive stimuli, and his attitude is a response to it. Experiential avoidance is an escape from pain and, therefore, from life itself. These families probably do not resort to slapping or punishment, they are rather families where love is felt, but not felt.
When the level of overprotection of the family is high, but the senses of touch, sight or hearing are not used to express affection in a positive and intimate way, it is quite likely that a member will end up being trapped in the family dynamic.
These families employ contradictory codes of conduct: the intention to protect and keep their children out of harm's way is not accompanied by the feeling of offering a safe haven. Teachers or friends might say "they are good parents"; but in reality there are deficiencies in terms of reinforcement, there is a lack of demonstrations of affection and the empowerment of autonomous behaviors.
Overprotective families who do not show affection: a small example
Let's imagine a case. A 40-year-old man who goes to therapy without knowing exactly what the problem has been affecting him for years. He shows a very structured repertoire of values, especially in regards to what he does not tolerate. The logic of the family teachings he received centered on what he shouldn't do. This has conditioned him to be highly sensitive to punishment and hardly any reinforcement.
His mother never kissed or hugged him, except after some "fright or when he was sick". Of course, she went to pick him up from school, he was always well dressed and he liked that his mother was an excellent cook. She took care of everything.
The man claims that he is unable to fully enjoy certain experiences. He suffers from the unpleasant situations his children might find themselves in and hardly rejoices in their successes. For him, "Feeling feelings" is closely related to the feeling of tension. You are often absent from work due to depression; and no matter how hard he tries, he doesn't feel he deserves a place in the world.
Helicopter parents who never let their children touch the ground
The case of the patient just mentioned is the result of a "helicopter mother" and an absent father. The problem is that when one member of the couple is physically absent, the other becomes too present. The result is excessive attention that ends up becoming a brake on the child's development of autonomy.
Psychologist Holly Schiffrin and her colleagues at the University of Mary Washington have observed how "helicopter" parenting affects the self-determination and well-being of college students. This appears to be associated with anxiety and depression, resulting in a decrease in the sense of life satisfaction over time.
The children relied on full parental supervision, but not on unconditional affection. Affection actually has its own purpose: to help little pearls achieve success in the world.
I'm not hurting you, but not good either
Children can suffer from a lack of love and care, even in the absence of explicit indicators of parental coldness, aggression or neglect.
Many parents use expressions of love and affection as an educational tool. This is known as symbolic rejection, often expressed verbally in the form of possible implicit punitive measures: "I don't love you when you do this" or "I love you, especially when you behave as I say".
Using these phrases does not make children and teenagers feel loved. Because love has nothing to do with success or good behavior at all. From the point of view of the little ones, the most they can aspire to is a transitory love, a meritocratic love, a love that must be earned.
Consequences of overprotective families and helicopter parents
Unbalanced parenting can turn simple children into college kids. Nevertheless, this educational model comes at a high price. Many are unprepared for life, they develop a dependent personality, they grow up without a ground in which to increase the responsibility for their decisions.
Psychologists often find that adolescents and adults with anxiety disorders, particularly during social interactions, in most cases come from families with overprotective parents.
Science shows that anxious parents tend to have anxious children, as they teach to react to situations with fear, worry and emotional abstinence.
