It is often said that relationships that have ended badly always teach a life lesson. But what happens when there is only suffering and, above all, repentance for having lived that emotional bond so negative?
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Repenting of a relationship is a fairly common experience. There are many people who collect stories they would rather forget and people of whom they have unpleasant memories.
“How could I have fallen in love with it?” We ask ourselves. "How did I not understand who he really was?" or even "Why did I do so much for those who did not deserve anything?".
These and others are the questions that often hover in our mind and that fuel the feeling of unease and frustration and that ignite the fuse of bad memories. It is often said that the positive experiences give pleasant feelings, while negative ones leave life lessons. However, this is not always the case.
Many are left injured, suffering from chronic pain from a relationship gone bad. It becomes difficult to learn from an experience when one experiences traumatic suffering or, even worse, when one builds a negative self-idea. What to do in these cases?
Repent of a relationship: tricks to manage the situation
Science has been studying the feeling of repentance for an unhappy relationship for decades. For example, the study conducted at the University of Illinois reveals that this phenomenon is more widespread than one might think.
Most people often reflect on what they should have done and what they shouldn't have done, but also on the relationships they had and should have been avoided from the start. In the course of studies, these reflections are called counterfactual thoughts.
In addition to that, it emerges that men and women alike regret having entered into certain relationships. These experiences are interesting from a psychological point of view for an exact and important reason.
Regret and counterfactual thoughts have a major impact on emotional well-being, decisions, behavior modulation, and mental health.
Here because it is useless to tell someone not to worry, because there is always something to learn from bad experiences. In reality, no one can take the plunge of acquiring certain life lessons when in deep suffering. How, then, to manage this type of experience? Let's find out together.
Repent of a relationship: make it clear
In a relationship that has gone badly, regret doesn't just come from frustration with the time and emotions invested in something that simply didn't deserve it. It is something deeper, as well as complex.
Sometimes we regret a relationship in which we gave up our dreams in the name of the ex, but also for not realizing that he was cheating on us.
It may also be that a person regrets not having fought hard enough for a relationship, neglecting the other person, or making mistakes.
Regret has many forms and languages. This is why it is essential to clarify what dimensions, specifically, cause us suffering.
Learn to process all emotions
Do you really know what the emotion of regret is made of? Some argue that it is a useless psychological reality, because it blocks, it does not bear any fruit. However, starting from this assumption is a mistake.
First of all, this emotional construct hides the pain of sadness, which must invite us to reflect on the lived experience. In addition, it contains a pinch of anger or rage, emotions that invite us to react, to face what hurts or annoys us.
At the same time, regret in a relationship holds the sign of disappointment. Another dimension to learn to manage to understand that life is also made up of disappointments focus on yourself and understand that we deserve better.
Get rid of guilt: we couldn't know how it would go
The relationship you lived and left behind did not make you happy. You repent and even feel angry that you have placed so much hope in something that has crumbled.
Well, the last thing to do in these situations is to feed the guilt or shame. You couldn't know how she would go. You didn't have a crystal ball ready to reveal to you everything that was going to happen shortly thereafter.
We follow the heart when we fall in love and engage with a person. Doing the unimaginable for someone is normal in any relationship, because to love is to fight, to commit to what you want.
We cannot regret this, because these actions make us noble and courageous. We couldn't predict what would happen next.
Repenting of having lived in a relationship is a phase of grief
Repenting of the relationship is a phase of grief following the breakup. When we end an emotional relationship, regrets often appear.
Yet the last thing we have to do is "freeze" the mourning at this stage, stay in the company of that pain that does not evolve, with that malaise that does not dissolve.
Accept what happened, free ourselves from feelings of guilt e putting faith in ourselves and in the future is essential. If at a later time we will be able to draw a lesson from what we have lived, so be it. But there are experiences that require only this: to be lived, accepted and overcome.
