According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, seeing an ex again fuels our feelings of longing and passion for a story we consider unfinished.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Seeing an ex again feeds a seemingly extinguished and deeply dormant fire. A clash between two souls who recognize each other instantly, but who bring with them other experiences, greater maturity and unique experiences. Sometimes letting that flame rekindle allows you to experience an exceptional story; other times it means repeating the mistakes of the past.
We live in an age where it is easy to get in touch with childhood friends and, of course, with people with whom we have had a close, even intimate relationship.
A lost love arouses platonic illusions, fantasies or ideals in us, therefore it is more than common to search for the person on social media to get back in touch. Sometimes we do it out of simple curiosity; others for the express desire to resume the relationship.
On other occasions, the reunion is determined by chance and fate, which awaken in us unconscious feelings, now distant.
Beyond what one might think, studies and works such as those of psychologist Nancy Kalish of the University of California show us that many of these encounters give rise to relationships which in a good number of cases are successful. Nonetheless, some factors can lead to failure. Let's explore the topic in this article.
"We separated only to find each other."
-John Gay-
Seeing an ex: what can go wrong?
We join other people in specific moments of our life; fears, insecurities, inexperience and needs of the present influence. If the relationship ends at a given moment and then we find ourselves several years later, something unique happens.
Emotions come together; a familiar spark will ignite the feelings of the past, the scent of good times will awaken (because the bad ones tend to be forgotten), music that is known to our ears will play.
Although they are the same souls in the same bodies, the meeting takes place between very different people. Life has sculpted us, experience has shaped us and our gaze is, in many cases, more prudent, wise and precise.
All this leads to the question of whether reuniting with an ex can be positive or not. Would it be wise to consider starting the relationship over? What could go wrong? What remains of the person I knew in the person I knew?
Sometimes time gives us the maturity that the relationship lacked
Nancy Kalish, a psychologist at the University of California, is an expert on lost and found love. In books like Lost and Found Lovers she provides us the results of a comprehensive study conducted in more than 35 countries.
The aim was to determine the success rate of relationships that ended at a given time in the past and restarted in the present.
- The results couldn't be more surprising: 72% of exes who saw each other as single started relationships that turned out to be stable and lasting. In the case of reunification between people who already had a partner, this percentage drops to 5%.
- One of Dr. Kalish's assumptions is that sometimes time gives us the maturity we lacked in the past, smoothing out the corners that hurt. Experiences lived, lessons learned and life itself offer us that psychological and emotional resilience that, perhaps, we did not have at 20 years of age.
- Other times, seeing an ex again means finding a lost love due to external factors, family or social pressure. The present offers us the opportunity to correct a situation that we have not faced courageously in the past.
Seeing an ex again: from romantic love to conscious love
Psychologist Thomas Lewis, author of A General Theory of Love, explains in his book that during his youth many of us believe deeply in the ideal of romantic love. We try to establish relationships based on that impossible structure on which, little by little, we shape dynamics full of dependencies and oppression.
As we mature, we become aware of that error; we learn that love is not only passion, but also commitment. We realize the need to respect personal spaces and individuality, but at the same time to take care of our loved ones, our relationships with others and our projects.
Time and experience lead some people (not all) to want to cultivate a conscious and mature love. On the other hand, anthropologist Helen Fisher points to an important fact: sometimes people experience what she calls "attraction for frustration".
In other words, we are aware that in the past we have made mistakes with certain people. We feel frustrated by immaturity, by the mistakes we made when we were young inexperienced. We feel that within us there are unfinished and untold stories that deserve braver endings.
From this arises our desire to see an ex again, to recover an unfinished relationship, to implement a rescue that could have a greater chance of success.
We cannot move in the same conditions as yesterday; we cannot and must not make the same mistakes. Because even if we look the same, inside we are profoundly different.
There are loves that certainly deserve new chapters. On the other hand, there are also others who have had an adequate and even deserved conclusion.
