If we were to ask ourselves what is best in a relationship, to be similar or complementary, the answer would be that a relationship requires flexibility and open-mindedness. We need to be similar in some respects and complementary in others.
Last update: May 07, 2022
Similar or complementary? This is the question many ask themselves when choosing a partner. Some think that "opposite poles attract", others want to avoid differences at all costs in order to prevent possible conflicts.
The truth is that both positions have their reasons. Those who think that it is better to have a relationship with someone who has characteristics different from their own (complementary) believes, for example, that two people with an irritable temperament will surely end up fighting. Those who are inclined to look for a partner similar to themselves argue that the differences, sooner or later, will create cracks in the couple.
There are also those who adopt an intermediate position. According to this category of people, it is not important to be only similar or only complementary. We need to balance the two aspects: similar in some things and complementary in others. What does psychology say on the subject?
"I read somewhere that to love each other people must have the same opposite principles and tastes"
-George Sand-
The fascination of the opposite
When a person does not have a positive opinion about himself, he is often attracted to those who are different from him. She sees in the other the opportunity to project and materialize who she would like to be, however, without succeeding. For example, those who go unnoticed tend to look for a very popular partner.
There is also the case of those who, in order to move forward, rather than looking for a couple relationship, are looking for a real symbiosis with their partner. Typically, these are insecure and fearful people who need the strength of the other to receive protection and support. In principle, if you promote personal growth, this is not bad. However, if there is an addiction between the partners, the situation is different.
Then there are those who, among similar and complementary ones, choose the second option because they see the couple as a team or as a company to carry on. These people think (and we emphasize the verb "to think") that it is better to combine strengths and weaknesses to achieve common results.
Similar or complementary?
Science has also wondered whether it is better to be similar or complementary within a couple. The University of Kansas conducted a study in which 1.523 couples were examined. The results showed that in 86% of cases couples whose members were similar lasted longer.
Another study, performed by the University of Michigan, also came to the same conclusion. Apparently, what matters most are the similarities found on aspects relating to personality, values, way of being, recreational activities, alcohol consumption and the use of technologies.
Generally, people are thought to be attracted to what is different from them. Diversity generates curiosity and is seen as an opportunity to explore new emotional "territories". However, over time, what was new begins to become a barrier and the differences take on a negative connotation.
Mental openness and flexibility
The dilemma that arises from the question "similar or complementary?" it's a bit contrived. Within a couple, one is neither totally similar nor totally complementary. It is difficult to find who can perfectly respond to our needs and the needs of our inner world. The truth is that every partner is similar and different at the same time. This is why the two alternatives are illusory.
Having said that, we must highlight the fact that all studies on the subject agree on one point: having the same tastes and behaviors is very important. Even in this situation, however, there will always be times when a member of the couple will have to give in. The most stable couples are the most flexible ones.
The differences between the members of the couple are important and they do well. They contribute to mutual growth. Much of the love life has to do with understanding these differences. When the divergences are of little influence, there is a high probability that the pair will last a long time. Conversely, if the differences are profound, there is a greater chance that the couple's life will become complicated.
Finally, the answer to the question is “Both! Similar and complementary ". We must be similar in substance and complementary on the basis of voluntary and conscious agreements. On the other hand, this is love: finding a balance between personal affirmation and affirmation of the partner.
