Some focus on work, others desperately start a new relationship. Yet, none of this serves to stop thinking about the ex, the person who ended the story and who continues to be present in the mind and heart. Why does this happen?
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Why can't you often stop thinking about your ex? A month has passed, then six months and even a year, but the mind always returns to that person, to that ended relationship that somehow conditions our present.
Why does this happen? What psychological mechanism prevents us from turning the page and moving forward? We wish we could push a button and erase the suffering and even certain memories at will!
Being able to dampen the intensity of memory and prevent that person from occupying our thoughts in such an invasive, painful way ... Why are there loves that seem anchored to the brain? All they do is direct us towards an obsessive and exhausting state of mind.
We all have a feeling of not being able to end a relationship. The messages that we continue to send us, eager for an answer, a "visualized", at least.
Until, unable to accept the situation, we continue to check the ex's social networks on a daily basis, suffering with every photo and thinking that he is moving on with his life, starting new relationships. What to do to get out of this vicious circle?
Why does it seem impossible to stop thinking about the ex?
"Help me stop thinking about my ex." Many people go into therapy with this need recognizing that they have reached an extreme level of strong attachment and obsession.
These are situations where it is difficult even to get up in the morning and go to work, not to mention hanging out with friends. Sometimes the memory makes everything impossible, to work, enjoy moments of leisure and think about future projects.
There are those who try to divert attention by starting new activities, such as sports or perhaps starting a self-help course. Others start a new relationship in a vain attempt to forget. There are also those who find consolation in alcohol, drugs or other equally dangerous and self-destructive behaviors.
All of this already gives us a clue as to what the answer to the question: "Why can't I stop thinking about my ex?" Might be.
These situations arise the same psychological mechanism of an addiction. The brain orchestrates the same mechanisms as those who cannot quit smoking or try their luck with gambling.
Love is sometimes like a slot machine
The metaphor is not very poetic, but it is still illustrative. There are loves that turn into obsessions and that make us act like an addict that goes every day in front of a slot machine.
So one of the reasons we can't stop thinking about the ex is the reward circuitry triggered by the dopamine in the brain. When the relationship goes well, the levels of this neurotransmitter are stable. We feel satisfied, we feel security, pleasure and well-being.
When the rupture occurs, however, the production of dopamine and norepinephrine is drastically reduced, so we immediately feel a feeling of alarm and despair. In other words, we enter the well-known withdrawal syndrome.
To put an end to this "addiction", we must run away, interrupt contacts, stop checking social networks, delete the number of the former. The more we expose ourselves or look for ways to get closer to the person, the more we reinforce the addiction, the withdrawal syndrome, therefore the suffering.
Separation Anxiety: I love you so much now!
Anthropologist Helen Fisher has spent decades studying the mechanics of love (and abstinence from love). From the eternal question of why people often can't stop thinking about the ex, a new phenomenon called "frustration attraction" is emerging.
These are situations in which separation and breakup awaken a real obsession. In turn, from obsession comes an idealization of what is lost and a greater attachment. Helen Fisher herself describes it this way: "Separation anxiety is like a puppy away from its mother: it runs around, barks and whines."
On the other hand, the study conducted at the University of Graz (Austria) tells us that this attitude is more common in men. Typically, they continue to see the ex positively and even conceive that it is possible to restart the relationship.
Women, on average, tend to focus on the more negative aspects to reconfirm the distance and the end of the bond.
What can we do in these cases?
When a relationship ends, the most appropriate thing is to rationalize the causes that motivated the breakup.
In this perspective, if the other person has decided to end the story, it means that he no longer loves us and this is it something we must accept as soon as possible.
The emotional pain
Ethan Ross, a professor at the University of Michigan, conducted research in which he showed that the brain interprets social rejection and breakup with a partner in the same way as a burn.
In other words, the emotional pain we suffer is similar to physical pain. This also explains why it's so hard for us to move on and stop thinking about our ex.
Attachment, memories and the inability to accept reality feed those moods in which the pain, far from diminishing day by day, on the contrary, intensifies.
What to do to stop thinking about the ex?
Every major breakup has to go through pain. A phase in which to leave room for suffering, and then vent it.
Acceptance is that stage where we separate from old memories to create new ones. Kicking off a new phase with new projects and new goals is always the best option.
Don't hesitate to ask for expert help if you realize that it is impossible for you to go forward, heal the wound and, above all, put aside those who no longer think about you.
