Suffering for love it is an incredibly common thing that we have all experienced at least once, and it can have a truly devastating impact on our happiness, our self-esteem and our life in general.
The person who is the object of our desire is the cause of ours feel bad for love, but we also see in her the only possible cure for our suffering.
All other areas of our life are negatively affected: we cannot concentrate in study or work, we do not want to go out, we neglect our hobbies and in general we can't think of anything else.
The phase of "I feel bad for love" often touches levels of such high intensity that it even turns into physical pain and leave us awake at night.
I know exactly how you feel, because I've been through it too, and for this reason I want to include in this article all the advice I would have liked to have received when I was in the same situation as you.
I will explain the vision of science and psychology regarding being sick for love, and I will provide you with useful advice and a method to stop suffering for love in 7 steps.
I'll cover the topic very broadly and comprehensively, so you'll benefit from it if you find yourself at feel bad for a girl, but even if, for example, you want to understand how to stop suffering for a man.
It will be your compass to face this very difficult period in your life, and it will not only help you stop suffering for love, but also to find your happiness and to start a wonderful path of personal growth.
Well, now we are really ready to start with the article!
Feeling bad for love: the 3 cases
I present to you all 3 main cases, which lead thousands of people every day to suffer for love. I'm sure you will know how to find yourself in one of them.
Next we will see a path to be faced, valid for all three cases, but for now let's stop for a moment to talk about the peculiarities of the same.
1. Suffering for love after being left
A first case of suffering for love, probably the most common, is when we are left by our partner. In all the stories that end at least one of the two people involved is destined to suffer for love.
We do not understand how the other person may have decided to end it, and next to the pain, underneath, we always feed the hope may our partner repent, change his or her decision and come back.
It must be said that there are very effective strategies we can use to win back your boyfriend or girlfriend after they are broken up, even if he or she says they don't love each other anymore. I talk about it in my articles on how to win back a woman and how to win back a man.
If the story from which you have just emerged was very important, I always advise everyone to undertake a guided path of reconquest, because it can prove to be really effective and in many cases allow you to get back together with your loved one.
I have also developed a free test to calculate your percentage chances of reconquest. I recommend that you do it, answer the 15 questions and find out your result. It only takes 2 minutes ?
However, there are many cases in which winning back a partner is a very difficult operation, or it is not what you want to do. In these situations it becomes necessary to move on and learn to manage suffering for love in the best possible way.
We will see what to do in the course of this article.
2. Feeling bad from unrequited love
Another frequent case of suffering is that of classic unrequited love.
You know a person, you spend a lot of time together (sometimes it takes very little) and you start to have a feeling towards him, which for some reason it is not reciprocated.
He seems like the right person for you and you are convinced that you would be able to make her happy, but she doesn't really want to know about being with you, because she prefers you to remain friends, or she just doesn't calculate you!
This is frustrating, right?
Situations like this can go on for months, or even years, without leading to no result. The only effects they cause are the progressive lowering of your self-esteem, and the inability to find and live another fulfilling relationship with serenity.
What to do then?
I know that the idea of ​​having to give up on your love and having to close contact with him makes you feel bad, but in this case it could really be the wisest decision to guarantee happiness in the long term.
But let's go in order, there is still one last reason why one can suffer for love ...
3. Feeling bad for love due to an unstable relationship
The third case of suffering for love is the most perfidious and complex one, in which we are dealing with a person who is interested in us, but not as much as we are interested in him.
You are in this case if for example the person you are dating:
- He still sees his ex, his ex, or at least a third person.
- He doesn't want a serious relationship, but it always leaves you with some hope for the future.
- He hesitates by telling you that he doesn't know what to do and how he feels about you.
- It is hit and miss, sometimes showing you a great interest, and other times a total detachment.
- In general, he does not live your relationship with the spirit with which you would like him to live it.
In all these cases you find yourself dealing with a person who gives you with one hand and takes you away with the other; just provides you crumbs of his love, crumbs of which you are satisfied because you feel you have no other choice.
You feel trapped in a vortex that pulls you down. The more the person you try to conquer moves away, the more you feel bad and you work hard to bring them back together.
This person does not necessarily behave like this out of malice, and because he wants to exploit this weakness of yours in his favor. It may well be that it is genuinely indecisive, or there is some other reason why he cannot fully bond with you, and give you what you would like to receive.
You will agree with me that you are dealing with a toxic relationship ...
Suffering for love: psychology
Having analyzed the 3 cases of feeling bad for love, it is interesting to see for a moment how psychology and science see the events of falling in love and suffering for love.
In fact, very serious studies have been carried out on the subject, which have led to some really interesting conclusions ...
Love is an addiction
As the anthropologist and researcher on love affairs Helen Fisher argues, romantic love can be considered a profound addiction, as it causes the same effects in our brain that substances do. like cocaine.
This is not necessarily seen in a negative way, as love can be an extremely pleasant experience when reciprocated, and it also has fundamental functions for the perpetuation of the species and the institution of the couple.
The problem arises instead when love is not reciprocated ...
As Fisher states in her book The Anatony of Love, a person in love who cannot get the desired attention from their partner goes into withdrawal just like a cocaine or alcohol addict who cannot get the necessary dose of the substance.
So here is the intense suffering, the inability to go on with one's life, and also the physical pain. There is only one solution to get out of it: truncate in a clear and definitive way with that person. Fisher herself states:
“The pain of love must be considered as an addiction from which you want to get out. This means that we need to turn away from drugs. No contact, no letters, no old photos, no phone calls. Time heals. The region of the brain that has to do with bonding is very active when one is rejected or left. But the more we move away from the moment of detachment, the more this bonding activity is reduced ... "
If you want to know more about the processes that take place in the brain of a person in love, or who is suffering for love, I invite you to take a look at this beautiful Ted Talk by Helen Fisher:
The psychological dynamics of rejection
Now that you basically know you are dealing with an addiction, I want to push you to further reflection that will allow you to better understand what you are feeling.
When we are rejected by someone and we suffer a lot, we are completely convinced that our pain represents the irrefutable proof that we are deeply in love with that person.
Instead it is not so ...
The feeling that we seem to feel, and also the pain that characterizes our days, are intensified by some psychological dynamics that NO they have absolutely nothing to do with love, as they are more related to our inherent weaknesses. I mean:
- Insecurity
- Fear of abandonment
- Inability to be alone
- Affective dependence
All these factors radically increase our suffering for love, however they are not to be attributed directly to the feeling we feel for that person, but rather to our lack and weakness on which we have to work.
The same reasoning, at least in part, is also valid in your case.
I don't want to belittle the feeling you feel, but I assure you that a deeper examination of the psychological dynamics mentioned above would lead you to recognize that a large part of your current suffering has nothing to do with the specific person who rejected you.
Your pain is linked to inner voids, weaknesses and insecurities that you must be able to fill and overcome by yourself, thanks to a path of personal growth and work on yourself.
How to stop suffering for love in 7 steps
We have finally come to the heart of our article: if you are here it means that you want to know how to stop suffering for love, and the next paragraphs are dedicated to this topic.
There are 7 steps to follow, and you can find them schematically indicated in the infographic below.
1. Give yourself a time limit to change the situation
Only consider this if it's really worth the extra effort to fix a situation that's just hurting you for now.
If you find yourself in the case of an unstable relationship and unrequited love, give yourself a time limit, within which you will try to change things or accept them for what they are.
Once you have passed the deadline that you have given yourself, if you are still not getting what you want from the person you love, make the decision to permanently end the relationship.
2. Detox phase
At this point the detox phase begins, in which you will have to avoid any contact with that person and mentally free yourself of their presence in your life. Here's what you can do:
- Take back your things, and give him back his that was left in your house.
- Eliminate all chances of meeting him / her randomly.
- Prohibit yourself from looking at his profiles on social networks.
- If the previous point is not enough, delete him from all the social networks in which you are friends, and delete his number.
- Put away your photos together, and other objects that make you think of him / her.
- Also delete or archive all your digital memories: messages, photos and files.
It is important that the decision to close is one iron decision, from which there is no return.
If you continue to have even a minimum of hope, or if you continue to hear from that person occasionally, you will block the entire healing process and will not be able to regain possession of your life.
Hence the importance of making gestures too small but symbolic, which for you represent the definitive closure of that relationship, and eliminate all the possibilities you have to think about it.
This phase is difficult, but I promise you that everything else will be downhill, and it will be worth it.
3. Interpret the ending of your story in a positive way
It is not the situation itself, but the attitude we have towards it that determines a large part of the way we feel.
You can choose to accept the thought that the end of your story is a tragedy, and that your life is now ruined, or you can choose more positive thoughts to about.
I propose below some true and objective (as well as positive) considerations and thoughts relating to the end of your story, and I invite you to make them yours, reflecting on them and making them resonate in your soul to the end:
- There is no soul mate, or the perfect person for us, so the one you just lost certainly wasn't.
- In the world there are billions of great people, you will soon find a person with whom you will be much better and who will appreciate you more than the previous one.
- By the end of this story you will have a way to question yourself and improve as a person in many areas of your life.
- When you look back on this moment, in a couple of years, you will smile with serenity, and with the knowledge that your life has gone exactly the way it was supposed to.
- Every pain is an opportunity for growth, and every story that ends leaves us priceless life lessons. So this experience will help you temper your character and make you stronger.
4. Process the pain
At this point it is right to give ourselves some time to mourn the loss, to feel the emptiness it has left in our life and to live the pain to the fullest.
As I explain in my book, it is indeed necessary to accept the negative emotions that appear within us, rather than trying to escape from them. By keeping busy or trying to distract ourselves from the pain at all costs, we would be left with a deep psychological wound still open and bleeding.
Instead, we must devote ourselves to pain and learn to listen to it and heal it, to disinfect the wound, to make sure that it heals little by little and no longer leaves negative aftermaths in our psyche and in our heart. This is the only way to completely get over the end of a love story and forget about your loved one.
5. Find your identity
One of the main reasons for feeling bad for love after the end of a relationship is that with that person who is gone, we feel like we have lost a very important part of our identity.
Being alone after having lived months or years together, it is normal to feel a bit confused and ask yourself things like "what is the meaning of my life now?", Or "who am I without him / her?".
This is precisely why it is crucial for you to be able to find your identity.
You were there before you met that person, and you will always be there, regardless of whether they are with you or not.
As discovered by this scientific research, quickly regaining an individual dimension after the end of a relationship, allows you to regain psychological well-being much more quickly.
Ok, but what do I actually have to do?
- Go back to cultivating relationships with your friends
- Go out and enjoy
- Resume your hobbies that you had recently neglected
- Sign up for a class (salsa, theater, yoga ...) and meet new people
- Do something new, which you have never done in your life
- Go on a trip, alone or with your friends
- Have a nice time with your family
6. Understand the difference between distraction and progress
At this point your life has restarted, at least partially, and you are on the right path to return to feeling better and to permanently stop suffering for love.
What is the final ingredient you will need to complete the journey?
It is the concept of progress, which you must learn to distinguish from that of distraction.
All the actions and activities that keep you busy, and make you forget about your psychological suffering without allowing you to make real progress in your life, they are just distractionsi, and of no use in the long run.
On the other hand, every action and effort ordered towards a very specific direction can lead progress and improvement in your life. This is the only thing that in the long run will allow you to put a real psychological and emotional distance between you and the relationship that has just ended.
Here then it becomes of crucial importance for you to take advantage of this period to set goals, work on your character, improve your communication skills, dedicate yourself to your personal and professional growth ...
If you're still not sure what you want to progress in, now is the best time to start asking the question.
7. Go out with other people
After you get back on your feet and find some stability and serenity in your life, you will finally be ready to start dating new people.
It's important do not rush this step, since initially one has to dedicate oneself completely to oneself and to the healing of one's wounds. However, when you start to feel better it is entirely legitimate to start looking around again and get back on the market.
Going out with new boys or girls is necessary to definitively overcome a disappointment in love, and to recover lost self-esteem.
How to never suffer for love again
Now that you know how to stop suffering for love, I want to give you some additional advice to learn not to find yourself never again to feel bad for love, even in your future relationships.
By doing a certain type of work on ourselves, it is in fact possible to be able to limit the influence that others have on our happiness, to bond only to the people who deserve us, and to let someone go with serenity when they no longer want to be with us.
1. Learn to be comfortable with yourself
It is completely normal to want someone by your side, both from a physical and an emotional point of view, it is in fact part of the human needs and there's nothing to be ashamed of about it.
However, passing from one relationship to another due to incompleteness and the need for validation is quite another thing.
Maybe it will not be your case, but I assure you that many boys and many girls own they don't know how to be alone, and they jump from one relationship to another because they can't help but have someone by their side to make them feel good.
Instead, it is the case that we face ourselves, seek our own happiness internally and not externally, and start dating other people only when we feel that our life already has a meaning thanks to the things we have, and who we are. .
Here, ultimately it comes down to just that: learn to find your happiness inside you, so no one will have the power to take it away from you.
True love is not represented by two needy people who get together to complete each other, but by two people who are already happy and independent, who decide to embark on a journey together towards a even greater happiness. Keep this in mind.
2. Learn to direct love to those who deserve it
Try to see love as a force that belongs to you, and that you can direct towards whoever you want.
If until now for some reason you have directed it towards the wrong people, who have not reciprocated you or who have trampled on your dignity, it is time to start piloting it towards those who deserve you and make you feel good about yourself.
Always bonding with people who don't respect us is a suspicious signal, which indicates low self-esteem, or shows the existence of unresolved issues in our past and compulsion to repeat.
It happens to everyone at least once in their life, by mistake or inexperience, but once you understand that it is a error (because it is a mistake) it is necessary to leave that relationship behind, and look for a more suitable person towards whom we can direct our love.
3. Learn to manage jealousy
If your suffering for love is caused by jealousy, and you think this is normal, you need to change your thinking first.
Many believe that jealousy is a signal that a person is important to us, and that there is no love without jealousy, but there is nothing more false.
Jealousy is not related to love, but to the fear of losing the other and possessiveness, so there is nothing good about it. People are not objects: we cannot own them, not even when we get engaged or married. We must therefore learn to live with the lack of control over the lives of the people we love.
In couple of the future there will be no room for the idea of ​​possession.
This does not mean that fidelity will fail, on the contrary! Fidelity does not mean controlling the other or establishing rigid rules of behavior. Loyalty means confidence e sincerity with respect to a pact that you want to respect.
So let your partner go free live his life, take his space, be with his friends, cultivate his hobbies independently and in freedom and also interact with the other sex.
If you trust it, you won't even have a problem letting your girlfriend go to the movies with a friend of hers, or your boyfriend dancing with a friend of hers. I know it's not easy, but who are you to limit his freedom? Who are you to determine what he can and cannot do?
Search for give value to the person you love without asking for renunciation in return, and you will see that they will not want to go anywhere else.
If by letting him free instead he gets to know someone else and decides to leave you, it means that your relationship was not strong enough and it would have ended anyway; you weren't suited for each other. Better to find out in this way first, rather than years later when you may already be married with children.
Well, we've come to the end of our article on how to stop suffering for love. I hope it was useful for you to clarify the situation you are in!
