The game of seduction is complex: sometimes it's enjoyable and fun, other times it can be painful and frustrating. Psychology can help us to know the rules and variables of the game.
Last update: Augusts 26, 2022
Contrary to what many believe, the game of seduction is not just about the sexual or erotic sphere. In everyday life situations can occur in which, in one way or another, we have to "seduce" someone.
For example, don't we try to seduce when we are at a job interview or who comes to see one of our shows? Seducing also means convincing, persuading a person or a group of people to choose us in a certain context or to choose an option that interests us.
The word "seduzione" derives from the Latin to seduce, which combines the prefix se (separation) with the verb ducere (lead, lead, direct); it means, therefore, to separate or direct someone out of one's way or position. This is the original meaning, but different meanings have been attributed to this term throughout history.
It is in the Bible, in its Latin translation, that the verb seduce takes on a more concrete connotation, reducing its meaning to the act of deception or the concealment of information to obtain some reward (for example, when the snake seduces Eve in the garden of 'Eden).
In this article, we will talk about the most common meaning of the term seduction. We refer to the ability to arouse attraction in order to have an erotic encounter or establish any emotional bond.
The game of seduction: is seduction a game?
Absolutely yes, it is. The game of seduction is very complex: sometimes it is enjoyable and fun, other times it can be painful and frustrating. But it's a game then the first thing to do is try to understand the rules, the tricks, the risks, the limits and the times.
Once in possession of this information, we can decide whether to play or not, and which strategy to adopt. If you decide to play the game of seduction, it is because you know every aspect of the game and, after due consideration, it is expected that the pleasure and satisfaction will be greater than pain and suffering.
Seducing is not a zero-sum game where if you "win", the other person "loses". Rather, we could include it in cooperative games: those in which the participants do not compete with each other and seek common advantages for all. In fact, if the game of seduction becomes cooperative, it unequivocally means that you are playing well.
In addition to framing seduction in game theory, it is important to separate it from some of the myths that surround it. Seduction is not mathematical and neither exact nor predictable.
Films like Hitch He Does Understand Women (2005) have reinforced ideas such as those of the guru giving "foolproof" advice on how to flirt or seduce women. This idea is very far from reality. When he seduces himself, come into play so many variables that it is impossible to control them all.
What psychological variables influence seduction?
The study of human behavior has identified which variables are decisive in the game of seduction. By knowing them, we could give the best version of ourselves.
These variables are far from being suggestions that work in any context or with anyone. They simply tell us what comes into play during seduction.
Self-knowledge and acceptance
When we know ourselves on all levels, we are able to set limits on what we like and what we don't like, as well as deciding how far we can go in the game.
In some contexts we can express ourselves at our best, in others we cannot show our best version. Accepting yourself as you are is a more difficult exercise than you might think. But it is necessary when it comes to bringing out the best cards in the game of seduction.
Expectations
Expectation is one of the variables that can cause more discomfort, misunderstanding or confusion. Having realistic expectations is a way to prevent unpleasant situations and avoid suffering.
Expecting too much from a relationship, if this relationship does not eventually develop, will make us feel frustrated. Likewise, having too low expectations will prevent us from adopting a relaxed and confident attitude.
Attention
Speaking of basic psychological processes, attention allows us to distinguish what is important from what is not. When it comes to seducing, this is one of the first variables to consider.
Attention allows us to focus our cognitive resources on aspects such as the communication to be adopted towards the person we want to seduce, his physical characteristics, his way of dressing, his style, etc. In addition, it provides us with information that may be relevant allowing us to prioritize some important aspects over other types of stimuli.
Perception
It is the ability we have to obtain information through our senses. Although attention allows us to focus and identify important stimuli, perception allows us to process them, to interpret them and to choose the best way to interact.
In the game of seduction, only what we perceive is not an opinion. We need to give meaning to verbal signals, non-verbal communication and those stimuli such as smells that do not seem important at first. On smells, in particular, a real literature is developing, just think of the studies on pheromones.
Memory
It is not only important to obtain information about our partner, but we must also be able to keep this information and know how to use it. The ways to store this information give rise to two main types of memory:
- The memory will soon end. It helps us when it comes to keeping information that will no longer be available after receiving it (unless there are elements that make it easy to memorize). For example, a phone number or an address.
- Long-term memory. This type of memory can be used to store information about the day we interacted with a person. In this way, we could use them for a possible second appointment or meeting. Or, we can retrieve information from our past and use it in conversation. For example, if we are talking about musical tastes, we could talk about the first concert we attended.
Motivation
It has to do with the amount of resources we are willing to use to achieve a specific result. In other words, motivation expresses the degree of interest we have in doing something.
In the game of seduction it is convenient to do a little introspection exercise to know how motivated we are to undertake the game. Furthermore, we must make sure that we are playing with the person we want, in the way we want and that there is no motivation other than the one that has to do with the game itself. There are two types of motivation:
- Extrinsic motivation. It is about the interest you have in reaching a goal, regardless of the path to achieving it. For example, obtaining a driver's license or studying for a degree.
- Intrinsic motivation. It represents the interest in the path that must be taken to reach a goal, rather than the goal itself (learning to cook or read a book, etc.). In the game of seduction it is advisable to have an intrinsic motivation oriented on the path and on the game itself rather than on reaching the goal.
The game of seduction and the role of emotions
We must not forget about emotions! They are the essence of the game. At the beginning of the article we said that the game of seduction will not always give us pleasure, but there is no doubt that it will excite us. If not, it means this game is not for us.
Furthermore, in that hypothetical balance where the advantages of playing are heavier than the disadvantages, emotions must be, to a greater or lesser extent, always present. When we decide to seduce someone, feeling emotions are essential to start the game.
Sexual or erotic desire and the game of seduction
Sexual or erotic desire, a complex concept difficult to describe and with a very high motivational power, is closely related to seduction. Surely, there is little point in trying to seduce someone we are not sexually attracted to. Desire is another of the variables to take into consideration when we want to start the game of seduction. Specifically, it is a variable that can determine the way we play in multiple ways.
Direction of desire
When we seduce someone, we have a specific goal. On the erotic level, there are two types of ways to the final goal or the fulfillment of our desires.
In this sense, we can speak of “who's desire”, that is, aimed at a specific person, without investigating too deeply what we will do when we have reached an intimate relationship. (We want someone and we don't care if we will do some things or other in a future relationship). And then there is the "desire for what", which refers to the desire to carry out a specific erotic activity; in this case our thoughts are more about how to do it rather than who to do it with.
To seduce, we must adapt the way we play to the direction of our erotic desire.
The role of desire in the game of seduction
We refer to the way we play and the behavioral mechanisms we use to seduce the person we want. These roles are determined by our personality traits. In this sense, there are two trends:
- Active role. The subject takes the initiative and assumes the role of the "desirer": makes the first approach, communicates directly, praises, flatters, etc. It is what the Greeks called erastès.
- Passive role. The subject assumes the role of the "desired". In this case the person seduces by placing himself in the position of being and feeling wanted. It is what the Greeks called eromenos.
Is seduction a gender issue?
Gender is a social construct that intervenes in the game of seduction. It is unlikely that a boy and a girl of the same age, with the same education, with similar personality traits and living in the same city, have a history of equal seduction.
Probably, even today there is a clear reflection of machismo according to which the game of seduction is socially penalizing if it is started by a woman rather than a man. This situation causes a girl to be afraid of seducing in the way she sees fit, especially if she is the one who plays an active part in the game of seduction.
These archaic stigmas on seduction would have to be fought and defeated in order to equate positions. Both women and men must be able to play this game by the same rules.
