Among the most common conflicts in modern couples, the lack of realism stands out, a characteristic that grandparents possessed. Love between two human beings is not the answer to everything, but the ground in which to learn to give, grow and become more human.
Last update: Augusts 15, 2022
The most common conflicts in modern couples are very far from those of our grandparents. In just three or four decades, relationships have changed a lot. New sources of conflict have emerged as gender roles and family structures have undergone major transformations.
There are currently a number of emotional demands that did not exist before. In the past, the roles of friends, spouses, lovers, partners, etc. they were not so marked and fundamental.
Nowadays, however, the idea has been installed that the couple must be a single whole. This means having to being able to respond to emotional, sexual, social and even philosophical expectations. A commitment that can overwhelm anyone.
This is why the most common conflicts in modern couples are mainly related to limits. There is confusion about things like the boundary between intimacy and independence, or between freedom and commitment.
There is also a strong demand for contentment and happiness that, of course, no one can satisfy. Some don't even realize that the problem lies in the request itself and not in the couple.
“Not being loved is simple misfortune; the real misfortune is not to love. "
-Albert Camus-
The most common conflicts in modern couples
1. Lack of intimacy
There are many couples who go to the psychologist to expose a shared problem: that is, not feeling understood by your partner. In most cases, the work to be done is about improving communication.
It seems that currently in many couples there is a fear of exposing their weaknesses to the other. They don't feel comfortable talking about their fears or weaknesses. Nor do they feel that the other is able to understand them.
Trust is not cultivated and all of this limits the ability to engage in sincere and authentic dialogue. Intimacy goes into crisis.
2. Control
Although, in theory, there is much more fairness in couple roles today, in practice it may not be so true. According to psychologist MarÃa José Carranza, of the University of Barcelona,very rigid schemes are currently maintained in the couple. They lead to inequality and resentment.
Among the most common conflicts in modern couples is the assumption of absolute control of the most important aspects of the couple's life by a member. One makes the decisions and the other follows him. Or, one protects and the other lets himself be protected.
This is why it is common for one of the two to end up diminishing, up to depression, without even trying to change the dynamics of the bond.
3. Differentiation
Differentiation concerns the process of separation from the family of origin. In ancient times, the principle prevailed: "Do not put your finger between wife and husband". Although there was a strong bond with the extended family, it was clear to everyone that the new couple who had joined needed independence and some distance.
Today it is no longer so clear. Often there is a too intrusive participation of the family of origin in the formation and destiny of a couple. Siblings get in the way, grandparents end up raising grandchildren, uncles help out, etc.
Practically, there is no real differentiation from the family of origin and this is one of the most common conflicts today.
4. Attachment
Many people reach adulthood without having worked through their attachment problems. No one has a perfect childhood and there are very few who do not carry the signs of this stage with them.
We may have been cared for too much, in other cases we carry the trauma of our parents' divorce or the consequences of an absent father, etc. The possibilities are many.
The truth is that each of us should work on these latent gaps or traces to balance our emotions, expectations and renunciations. But, since this does not happen, often the couple ends up being the object in which all these inconsistencies are projected. And this becomes a source of confusion for both.
5. Definition of commitment
One of the arguments that constitutes one of the most common conflicts in modern couples. Some people date and have sex on a regular basis, but they don't call themselves committed. Others have been together for years, have children, but are only engaged and each lives in their own home.
Then there are those who get married, divorce, but continue to have casual sex with each other.
Defining what commitment exists between two people has become a very difficult task. For many, the problem is the very definition of commitment. They argue that order and labels turn the relationship into a threat to freedom.
The most common conflicts in modern couples also have consequences. Many couples stop being couples. Love understood in the most traditional way is in many cases rejected, if not detested.
In this way, some people seek the commitment of the other, the security of relying on the partner, while avoiding establishing a bond that matches this feeling.
