Few things are as frustrating as noticing your partner isn't listening. Inefficient communication is one of the main causes of breakdown, so it is necessary to keep in mind some fundamental aspects. We analyze them.
Last update: February 19, 2022
“The partner doesn't listen, it's like a wall. He only takes into account his needs and does not listen to reasons ". This phrase may be familiar to many people.
It's also possible that this, and no one else, was the reason for our latest breakup. Because communication problems are in 80% of cases the main cause of conflicts and distances between two people.
Is there an effective strategy to resolve these situations? It should be noted that while there are various approaches to addressing this reality, it is a complex challenge.
Sometimes we put our attention on the other and blame him for not listening to us, but the inefficient communication is a two-way street. We too could be responsible.
Several factors can mediate this failing and disabling dynamic. Some can be bypassed and overcome by adopting new strategies together and in harmony.
It is skills that can be developed by the couple to improve the relationship. In other cases, the communication challenges can be insurmountable.
Every happy and stable relationship is defined by nurturing and respectful communication.
What to do if the partner does not listen?
To close, not to listen, not to be open to other points of view. We could give a thousand examples of unsuccessful communication, in which the partner does not listen. Deficits in exchange, active listening and the lack of a global dialogue manifest themselves in every person.
Sometimes the problem is not so much the lack of listening, but rather what they say. For example, many people try to let off steam with their partner, and instead of listening and understanding, they don't hesitate to provide unwanted or unneeded advice.
This means that "the partner does not listen" is added to "the partner does not understand me", when in reality everyone has a different perspective on life and communication. So, and as can be deduced, it is a multifaceted reality with many fronts, shades and edges.
Listening is also knowing how to understand and, at times, this can be the real root of the problem: that we have stopped understanding each other.
We need to understand why they don't listen to us
The reason the partner is not listening can be due to two factors. The first, his way of being and her personality. The second, because there may be a communication problem.
In the latter case, we too can be responsible for this deficit. On average, the causes could be the following:
- There are those who do not listen for a clear prejudice of confirmation and cognitive dissonance. In other words, only listen when we say something that fits their beliefs and perspectives. If the message doesn't match his ideas, he goes out.
- Communication problems in narcissists. This is another variable we need to consider. The narcissistic personality is positioned in the perspective he knows more than anyone else. Therefore, what we can say is irrelevant.
- The partner does not listen because he is angry. This attitude reveals a clear emotional and personal immaturity. Instead of addressing the problem, he avoids it by building walls or applying the law of silence.
- He doesn't listen to me because of the tone I use. This is a factor that we cannot overlook. The way we address someone will make them more or less receptive. Raising your voice or using an aggressive tone makes this process difficult.
- Ignore as a mechanism to get around a problem. There are those who tend to turn a deaf ear when something doesn't interest them. For example, this happens when there is a problem in the relationship. Better to dodge than face that situation.
- Lack of trust and emotional distance. It is possible that the relationship has reached a decline where the other feels resentful and distanced. It is a situation where they can tell us that “I don't listen to you because you don't listen to me either”.
We listen, we talk to understand each other (assertiveness in love)
Good communication as a couple is a shared exercise: it's a question of two. Doing it right, as revealed in a University of Georgia study, predicts satisfaction in that emotional bond.
When the partner is not listening, it is appropriate to convey correctly what we feel and what we need. We have to understand what is happening and for this we have to make ourselves heard. The following strategies can be helpful.
- Find the right time to talk with your partner about the communication problem.
- Speak assertively and directly, without using reproaches, without preaching or looking for blame. It is about proposing an improvement in conversations, the need to talk to each other and feel heard. It must be remembered that a conversation is an exercise in mutual support and enrichment, not a power play.
- Avoid words like "always" or "never".
- Use affectionate and understanding tones and give the other person space to express themselves.
- Clarify what we can improve on one and the other to achieve effective communication and active listening.
When we are looking for a solution to our communication deficits, we cannot focus only on the negative things the other is doing. This will intensify the resentment or distance. We try to propose solutions instead of focusing only on the problems.
If the partner does not listen and continues with his "hearing blocks", a decision must be made
Sometimes the situation cannot be solved because the partner does not commit himself. Ineffective, cold and dishonest communication creates deep and painful gaps. In the absence of progress, we can choose to resort to couples therapy.
If the person does not give up and there is no understanding, we will consider another decision. After all, recognition, acceptance, and appreciation in a relationship are fueled by the communication process, and without it nothing makes sense.
