Sometimes it happens: the partner's family doesn't love us and even tries to turn their son or daughter against us. What can we do in these circumstances?
Last update: June 16, 2022
Some more, some less, we are all looking for love. Although we can choose the person who will be part of our life, we cannot do the same with his family. When the partner's family doesn't accept us, it is normal to go from euphoria and happiness to that unplanned restlessness, to situations that are as uncomfortable as they are stressful.
What can we do in these cases? The first thing is to understand that each family unit is a world unto itself, it has completely personal dynamics, secrets, merits and unhealthy behaviors.
There are parents who criticize any partner their children bring home, without exception. The best thing in all cases is not to take it personally or worry excessively by convincing yourself that "there is something wrong with me", because that is not the case.
In reality, similar situations have always existed and always will exist. However, that doesn't make them any less complex, since we cannot separate the loved one from his family ties nor is it appropriate to ask him to choose. Let us try to understand, therefore, how it would be appropriate to act in these circumstances.
The partner's family does not accept me, what can I do?
When we start a relationship we almost assume that everything will be for the best. Love always gives us a breath of optimism that, in some way, makes us strong. However, it is almost never expected that you will not be accepted by the partner's family.
This not only generates disbelief and frustration in those who are not well received, but the partner also suffers immensely. Refusal, in fact, forces the person to acquire a middle position between two poles that are important to him.
There is nothing wrong with you, don't take responsibility for the situation
Just because someone doesn't like us doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. We do not reflect the attention on ourselves, therefore. Let's not try to be different just to please the partner's family and get their approval. All of this only causes further suffering.
In fact, in most cases the real problem is simply that i parents do not accept that their children grow up. At other times, slightly different factors may arise, such as the desire for children to have high socioeconomic partners, a certain political affinity, a specific religion, that they share the same culture, etc.
All these are elements that build walls for which we are not responsible.
Informal meetings to be able to interact normally
To connect with someone and improve the relationship, there is no need for scheduled and formal appointments like a dinner. Informal meetings allow for a more intimate, spontaneous and authentic interaction. It is therefore an opportunity to make yourself known and perhaps change your mind about us.
Situations such as accompanying the partner to deliver something to the parents, asking them to come and shop, inviting them to an informal lunch ... attempts worth promoting not only to break the ice and get closer.
With these meetings we will be able to verify the possibility of rapprochement or, on the contrary, if their idea about us will not change.
The most important thing: to have the support of the partner and to agree in every situation
If the partner's family doesn't accept us, the last thing we should do is insult their parents. Under no circumstances can we criticize his family or threaten with ultimatums like "either your parents or me". Rather, she would like to learn to accept the situation by reaching an agreement.
How? Counting on the constant and indisputable support of the partner. To do this, we need to maintain good communication and clarify what our limitations will be:
- We cannot allow the partner's family to affect the relationship.
- If family members intrude in any way possible, the partner will have to defend us by setting strict limits with parents.
- There will be things that are tolerable and that we have to accept (the partner will sometimes visit his family without us). However, we cannot give in to blackmail, manipulation, threats. If at any point we don't feel the partner's support, the relationship can start to falter.
When the partner's family does not accept: psychological health comes first
We pointed out at the beginning that it is not advisable to give an ultimatum to the partner, forcing him to choose between us or the family. Nonetheless, there are pathological situations in which the children must be aware that the situation is not normal.
Dr Barbara Oudekerk, a psychologist at the University of Virginia at Charlottesville, conducted a very interesting study that reveals important data.
Having overprotective parents has an immense impact. Adult children do not always find happiness in their relationships. In these circumstances, it is important for the partner to realize this. In some cases it is advisable to distance yourself to regain health, well-being and happiness.
If the partner does not decide to take the first step, if he chooses to strengthen that harmful bond that builds walls and makes it difficult to have a healthy and mature relationship, we will have to choose us. Our psychological and emotional balance is also valuable.
