Having different opinions on a topic is normal. That's why it's a pleasure to have people with whom we can disagree on something without this disagreement wearing out the relationship.
Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2022
Being in disagreement, being able to express dissent, without changing anything is a privilege. Having a friend, partner, or relative with whom we disagree on several issues without this leading to arguments or estrangement is a relief, as well as a wellness exercise. Let's face it: there's nothing more difficult than dealing with discrepancies that bring up negative emotions.
If there is one thing we hate it is being contradicted. Thus, disagreement presents itself as a highly problematic dynamic. Not only that: if this situation develops within the couple, it generally has a greater impact, even more complicated to manage. There are those who experience it in an amplified way, as if not having the same point of view or opinion is equivalent to not being loved.
With time and, above all, with maturity, we realize that it is essential to tolerate disagreements and learn from them. If well managed, they help overcome many situations and gain confidence. After all, fights are normal and common. There is nothing wrong with that.
It is not experienced in this way by those who have an excessive ego and, therefore, do not tolerate them; but also in those who have an extremely sensitive ego and feel hurt by any conflicting opinion, by any criticism of his opinion or beliefs.
Let it be clear: to disagree without causing devastating consequences or radical change is an aspect we should all work on.
The ability to listen to an intelligent person who disagrees with you is a rare talent.
-Ken Follet-
The art of disagreement is difficult to learn
The art of healthy disagreement is an Achilles' heel for many for very specific reasons. The main reason is that one cannot tolerate being contradicted; the second, no less important, is that we are unable to put disagreement into practice.
But what do we mean by "not knowing how to implement the disagreement"? We mean that some people don't have the courage to stand up for their points of view.
There are those who prefer to remain silent, rather than contradict those around them. For example, there are those who choose to consent and agree with their partner, colleague, friend or relative rather than surprise them with a point of view that expresses disagreement, with a voice that thinks differently.
However, not daring to contradict someone and not knowing how to accept an opinion different from one's own define the same problem: not knowing how to grasp the positive side of disagreeing.
The 5 ways we handle disagreement
Virginia Satir, social worker and founder of the family therapy approach, explained that there are 5 types of communication we engage in when we are faced with a situation of disagreement:
- There are those who blame and ridicule. In this type of communication we have those who tend to belittle the opinion of the other person. It is a clearly aggressive communication, which tries to dominate the other and humiliate him.
- He or she who abstains. In this case we have a person who chooses to abstain when it comes to expressing their opinion if someone says something with which they disagree. Instead of expressing dissent and saying aloud what he thinks, he tells himself that it is better to keep quiet so as not to ruin the relationship.
- There are those who use logic as a form of aggression. A rather sophisticated mechanism takes shape in this type of communication. It is about expressing opinions that follow logic and reason and that contrast with our arguments, which are considered distorted by emotions. We refer to those people who say “it doesn't make sense what you say. I know that you are angry and you are not thinking clearly, but let me tell you that everyone knows and since it is logical ”.
- There are those who divert attention and change the subject. This group includes those people who do not want to hear or accept opinions contrary to their own. That's why they don't hesitate to change their mind quickly.
- The consistent person. Finally, we find those people who know how to manage disagreement. They share their arguments and listen to us. They know how to respect and express themselves: in short, they are highly assertive profiles. We should favor the latter strategy.
Knowing how to disagree improves our relationships
Let's face it: nothing is more satisfying than having people around us to be at odds with, but in harmony with. Few things are more rewarding than being able to count on that partner or friend with whom we disagree in many things and who is able to listen to us, to defend their arguments and then accept those of others.
Remain in your positions without generating tension. Without swearing, without negative emotions that will create a certain distance in the long run.
Concluding remarks
You have to understand a really simple aspect: disagreeing on something doesn't have to create polarizations. Sometimes two different positions enrich a relationship. After all true love or true friendship does not mean having to agree on everything down to the smallest detail.
It is about sharing values, learning from each other, accepting differences, being able to understand and learn from those points of view that are different from one's own.
It also means discussing from time to time and getting to know each other better to strengthen bonds without changing anything, without something creating distance, quite the opposite. So, we learn to be more assertive and to emphasize points of view different from our own.
