Do you think yours might be a toxic relationship? Would you like to know the signs? Or are you wondering how to get out and start your life over? Whatever the motivation, you can start to calm down - you are in the right place.
In this article we will go to answer all your questions, but know that the toxic relationship is a very broad and nuanced topic. In fact, the toxicity of a relationship is due to many factors, including the nature of the relationship and that of the people involved.
The first step will be to explain what is the meaning of toxic relationship and what are its typical phases. We are going to analyze all its characteristics in order to understand when a relationship is toxic. We will see specifically how a toxic relationship with a narcissist can be dealt with. Finally we will analyze if and when it is possible to save a toxic relationship.
It is essential to remember that at the base of all toxic relationships there is an individual with serious personality problems. And these individuals often have highly toxic potential for the people around them. The typical example is that of the narcissist who weaves his web of good intentions to then take control of the victim's life.
If you have any doubt or fear that your partner may be a narcissist, I recommend that you take the test below: it will only take you two minutes and of course it's free. Through its outcome, you can begin to have a clearer idea of ​​your relationship and how to deal with it.
Toxic relationship: meaning and phases
But what is really a toxic relationship? How to recognize it? Giving a single definition is not easy as this situation is due to several causes. When a relationship is toxic, it is usually recognized by the behavior of one of the two partners, which undermines the freedom of the other. These limitations can be applied in different ways depending on the toxicity level of the relationship.
Let's start by saying that those involved in a toxic relationship will suffer pressure from the partner in order to limit their independence, exerting excessive control over their life, trying to lower their self-esteem, telling lies and sometimes resorting to to more or less serious acts of violence.
This type of behavior will trigger a double feeling inside the victim: that of not being happy within this type of relationship, but at the same time of being not being able to do without it. Those who suffer from this type of attack will begin to feel dependent on their partner and the idea of ​​remaining without it will become a real nightmare.
In this type of toxic relationship, a relationship is established between the victim and the perpetrator similar to that which occurs in cases of Stockholm Syndrome, where during a kidnapping the victim empathizes or sympathizes with his kidnapper.
As a result, it will be impossible for the victim to admit that there are problems and that the relationship she is involved in has turned out to be a failure. And will do anything for cover the mistreatment suffered. Below we will list all the stages into which a toxic relationship can be divided in order to be able to recognize and deal with it:
1. Involvement: immediately after the first meeting, the "toxic person" can already perceive the character deficiencies present in the victim, such as insecurity, weaknesses and possible traumas from the past. Immediately afterwards "the toxic person" will cover the victim with attention and love, giving the impression of being the partner of dreams;
2. Taking control: once the victim has let the toxic person approach, they will gradually begin to take control, hiding their true intentions and claiming to have the best of intentions. The victim will find himself unable to decide independently and will begin to doubt his own beliefs;
3. Toxic vicious circle: prolonging this type of behavior, combining them with acts of violence, manipulation and isolation will create a state of dependence between the victim and the perpetrator, which will feed itself by going to fortify and become more and more toxic;
4. Leave: one of the most terrible things in a toxic relationship is the moment when the executioner (or executioner) begins to get fed up with his victim. At this moment he could decide to abandon her and blame her for everything, leaving her alone, with a broken heart and with the certainty of being solely responsible for what happened. While the toxic person will most likely have already found another partner to torment.
5. Returns: But this could also be just a temporary end, as a toxic person sometimes decides to retrace his steps, just for the sake of not letting his prey free; indeed, at times he can keep those around him completely in the dark about his actions and weave other canvases in order to have more victims in his hand at the same time. It is not uncommon that, at the moment of his return, the executioner tries to convince the victim with appropriate phrases, such as "I promise you that ...", or "I will change, it will get better ...". But in reality these are nothing more than bait to make the victim fall back into the trap of a toxic relationship.
How to recognize a toxic relationship?
You may believe that given the above, spotting the signs of a toxic relationship is fairly straightforward, and that in general even the most naïve person in the world would be able to recognize and avoid a potential toxic partner.
But the truth is that some partners can be really shrewd and before moving on to the real attacks on the victim's freedom they do everything to give the impression of being a good person. In this way the intended victim will have let his guard down and when he begins to notice the first strange behaviors he will not give them too much weight and will justify them automatically.
So to eliminate any doubts, let's analyze the signs that help us understand how to recognize a toxic relationship:
- Lies and manipulations: a toxic partner will quickly become uncomfortable with people who make honesty one of their values. For example, the toxic person will start manipulating information, putting unsaid words in the other person's mouth, ridiculing important things, and exaggerating little things. You can see the toxic person change his point of view and his approach in an instant according to his convenience;
- Violence and quarrels: violence does not mean physical violence, or rather not only. It can also be psychological by raising your voice, insulting and belittling the other person. Or financial by denying financial support. Although quarrels are the norm within a couple, within a toxic relationship they become frequent and very painful for the victim and usually triggered for absurd reasons with the sole purpose of giving more power to the toxic person;
- Quality check: controlling the other half of the couple allows the toxic person to hold the power. In this way the victim will be isolated from the affections and will find himself even more dependent on those at his side. Furthermore, the toxic person will make sure to also check both digital and paper correspondence until he takes full possession of the victim's will and completely eliminates his independence;
- Jealousy and betrayal: paradoxically, the toxic person tends to be extremely jealous, always in order to have total control over the other, but also prone to betrayal. If she is discovered, she will blame her partner for his mistakes, crediting him with lack of affection or little sexual attention;
- Dependence: the toxic person, at the peak of his goals, will have established a dependency mechanism such that his victim will no longer feel able to live alone. In the worst case, the toxic person will be able to make his chains even tighter by inducing the victim to enter a tunnel such as that of drugs or gambling;
- Emotional blackmail: when a relationship is toxic, the perpetrator will make sure that his victim always feels guilt and is always under the terrible blackmail that the other person can abandon him. In order to establish a climate of continuous terror, fear and dependence;
- Lack of responsibility: during a toxic relationship it is not uncommon for the executioner to put the safety of those next to him at risk with stupid and risky decisions and then to pass the responsibility and the effects on his victim. And this happens only because toxic people lack responsibility but also because in this way they trigger further feelings of guilt;
- Lack of love and affection: one of the most important signs of a toxic relationship: lack of love and true attention. No sense of security and trust. What could appear as love, in reality is only psychological dependence.
Getting out of a toxic relationship
Getting out of a toxic relationship isn't that simple. Once you enter the vortex, self-confidence is lacking, the perspective of reality is distorted and sometimes the temptation not to change things is very strong.
But how can a toxic relationship come to an end? Here are some tips that will help you break free from a toxic relationship if you currently believe you are trapped in it.
Face reality
The first and most important step is to be able to be honest and accept that you have a problem. Learning about and reading articles to help you recognize a toxic relationship can help you a lot. The realization that our relationship is toxic can lead us to make sensible decisions again. Leave the toxic person for example.
One of the best ways to become aware of this situation is to confront your person today, while you are the victim of a toxic relationship, with what you were in the past. This will help you become aware of what you are experiencing and your state of mind.
Plan your "escape"
Even once you are aware of your situation, getting out of a toxic relationship is never easy: your (or your!) Partner will bow down, asking for mercy first and then threatening you. It will try to tone down your every plan and project.
But it is precisely for this reason that those who have decided to end a toxic relationship must plan their "escape" in advance. From where to go once the executioner is left to how to be able to expel him also from our bureaucratic life (bank account, season tickets, etc.). The more precise the plan, the more chances there will be to end the toxic relationship successfully.
Get help from a trusted person
At this point it would be important to find a trusted person to ask for support. Maybe even ready to support you financially. A person who is able to understand you and whom you can trust and who above all will believe you.
You can ask a family member or a close friend or friend. If you find yourself alone or alone, you should always consider the option of contacting a specialist who will be able to suggest you how to proceed.
Remember the evil received
Lack of consistency and weakness are the main reasons why it is often not possible to permanently end a toxic relationship, or to not stay too long away from the person who hurt us.
I'm not telling you to hate the other person or ponder revenge, but only not to let yourself be overcome by a moment of weakness, or by the good memories of the early days that knock on the door. In these moments there is the risk of losing sight of all the evil that has been received, and of being drawn back into the toxic relationship.
Don't be fooled
When a toxic person is left by one of their victims, they will do anything to get them back. If you really want to get out of a toxic relationship don't be persuaded: if you ever fall back into its web it would be even more difficult for you to get out. Even if the person left begged you, do not listen to him: whatever his promises or threats are, do not listen to him!
Even if he tells you he's in trouble, don't let him get closer. Don't give it space even through messages, phone calls and emails. Stay away from this person it will be the best way for you to end this toxic relationship once and for all.
Fill in the void left by this person
After ending a toxic relationship, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness that can remain inside can be enormous. Ultimately it is a kind of grief, even if the relationship that has just ended was traumatic.
At first it may seem like an impossible feat. But there's no need to despair - remember that you still have friends and family who love you. Take back your old hobbies and passions. With time, serenity and self-esteem will also return. And even if it seems impossible now, the next relationship will see you as a more prepared person and more aware of the world around them.
Toxic relationship with a narcissist
Now let's take a few lines to analyze a specific case: that of a relationship with a narcissistic person. While not all toxic relationships are with a narcissist, all (or the vast majority) of relationships with a narcissist are toxic.
Also all the phases, characteristics and advice presented up to this moment, apply perfectly to the relationship between an empath and a narcissist. However, the discussion is very broad and deserves to be examined with dedicated articles, which you can find in our blog.
For example, you may be interested in finding out if the daffodil falls in love. Or you have realized that your spouse is a narcissist and now you want to understand how to behave, and how to manage the relationship with a narcissistic husband.
Finally, if you are looking for psychological books on narcissism, which will help you defend yourself against this very complicated type of individuals, I invite you to read this article.
Can a toxic relationship be saved?
Many ask themselves the dilemma: when a relationship is toxic can it be saved? And they usually wonder where you can go for help, or they go in search of books and magazines that can provide them with valuable information.
In these cases the first thing to know is that if you want to save a toxic relationship, this has to be a goal it has to be coveted by both: both the victim and the toxic person. The work that this operation requires is long and systematic. A path not without failures, after which we will have to make a common front to recover. But it's also okay to be honest as painful - sometimes a toxic relationship can't be saved.
If you decide to try to save the day it is very important to speak up and always guarantee one clear and equal communication. Both members of the couple need to be aware that theirs is a toxic relationship, and they both need to work on it together. It will be necessary to prepare an action plan that must be respected and the consequences of which must be accepted.
Those who wish to try to recover from a toxic relationship can no doubt seek help from a couples therapist, with whom the toxic person can work individually.
Instead, the victim will have to learn to set limits on the influence of the partner and to re-cultivate his passions e regain possession of one's independence. This is important, both because the success of this path is not taken for granted, and therefore she must be ready to start a new life, and because in this way she will have greater control of her person.
Well, this long article comes to an end. Thank you for following me up to this point, I hope it has been helpful and you may be able to come out of your toxic relationship and find the place in the world that someone as beautiful as you deserves.
