Supporting someone with serious problems is complicated and requires more than just closeness. We will analyze the role of the trusted person in these situations.
Last update: June 21, 2022
When a loved one is in trouble, manifesting a protective and cooperative reaction can be almost automatic. However, there are situations where taking on this role involves addressing the dreaded cognitive dissonance. In the absence of integrity and courage, we can turn to toxic attention.
Imagine you have a friend with an addiction. You know he is a danger to himself and those around him, but trying to get him to detox is not pleasant and can even jeopardize your friendship.
In light of this and in the hope that it changes, you take care of it at the most critical moments and even make it easier for it to consume the addictive item when you see it desperate. Do this out of love, but also out of fear and comfort. Let's explore the consequences of toxic attention below.
Support figures
The support figures in our life are always available when we need them and many times they put their needs aside to look after us. This, which becomes harmful for those who dedicate themselves to others, is (logically) welcomed with great enthusiasm by those who receive the help.
It is certainly a noble gesture, but also a reality that requires intelligent management. Many times, caring for others involves confronting them, addressing topics they want to avoid, and even taking legal action in extreme cases.
What is meant by toxic attention?
The trusted person faces a great deal of emotional stress when trying to help. In general, expectations of him are generally high and this, added to everything else, sometimes it causes them to make decisions that harm those in need and themselves.
We refer to harmful conduct, such as allowing self-destructive behavior, encouraging harmful thoughts, or providing means that accentuate such dynamics. In the following lines, we present the signs that reveal a person giving toxic attention.
How to recognize toxic attentions
Although moved by affection and concern, those who turn to toxic cures are driven by fear. Rather than addressing the problem your loved one is in, their behaviors are encouraged. This results in the following actions:
- Lie: the trusted person tells lies to protect the loved one from the consequences of their actions.
- Avoid comparison: although the conduct of a loved one is clearly harmful, those who claim to help avoid confrontation. The conflict seems counterproductive to addressing the problem.
- Allow, passively or actively, destructive behavior: this includes allowing bad decisions and encouraging situations to arise.
- Ignore the consequences of your loved one's actions: it is considered counterproductive to point out the situation to the person.
What to do in these cases
The support figure finds himself having to face several unpleasant situations, since helping others does not always imply generosity and total dedication. This misunderstanding underlies many bad decisions, as confrontation is not seen as a form of help.
However, in certain situations it is necessary. Friends who despise certain social groups, addicts who abuse their partner… These are all examples of behaviors that should not be tolerated in a loved one. Not only for themselves, but also for others.
For example, the male chauvinist behavior of a friend who has been burned by a past relationship must not be understood, but rather must be helped to overcome what happened and to deconstruct his prejudices.
Some tips to prevent toxic attention
Many times outside help is needed to deal effectively and healthily with certain circumstances. For this purpose we recommend:
- Instead of supporting bad decisions, reinforce growth-oriented actions.
- Remain firm in your attitude even in difficult times.
- Point out destructive behaviors and do not admit that the other relativizes them or tries to normalize them.
- Don't tolerate disrespect towards yourself or others.
- Express unconditional love without ulterior motives.
- Learn to take care of yourself and make it a priority when needed.
Probably the hardest step is figuring out when to throw in the towel. Many times we take on tasks that are not ours, so we need to leave room for professional help.
When the help of a trusted person isn't enough and your loved one has no plans to change, perhaps the best thing we can do is distance ourselves.
