Last update: April 08, 2020
An impossible love is one that never manages to become a stable relationship or that ends before it is started or matured. It is paradoxical, but precisely these loves cause the deepest suffering and are sometimes the most difficult to forget. It is paradoxical because, if they have not bloomed in the end, in theory they should not generate such pain.
The most practical do not complicate their lives with an impossible love. When they notice that there are no conditions to build or maintain the loving bond, they accept it and put an end to it in time. For others, however, it is particularly difficult to give up the expectations, illusions or dreams forged around a relationship. The sentiment is stronger than the evidence of its impracticability.
One way or another, an impossible love is never forgotten. It leaves a profound mark, precisely because it was not lived and it did not wear out when it was necessary to renounce it: idealization did not break. However, even if it will not be forgotten entirely, however, it is possible to process this feeling and put it aside to move forward. Below we present the 7 steps to do this.
1. Define what makes love impossible
There is a big difference between a difficult or tormented love and an impossible love. The latter has no possibility of existing. The most common case, and also the one that implies the greatest emotional difficulties, is that of someone who loves, but is not reciprocated. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that of one person who wants and needs another, but the latter does not feel the same. True love is always between two people.
You can certainly try to win over someone who doesn't show interest at first, but it is important to understand that there is a point where you have to accept that the company has no future. The same applies to other impossibilities that usually have this same element in common: one wants and the other doesn't. If there is no mutual sentiment, there is no viability.
2. Examine your own fantasies about love
Very often the difficulty in giving up an impossible love derives from some widespread fantasies in one's own culture. For example, that of the "soul mate" or the "love of one's life". Starting from these beliefs, the idea arises that there is only one person predestined to be one's partner.
Although it is a beautiful fantasy, it does not correspond to reality. Human beings have an infinite capacity to love. When you have a relationship, you face the end of it, you get the experience and wisdom that comes from it, and usually the next relationship is better.
We can always start over and each new experience can be better than the previous one. In fact, the years prepare us to love with greater generosity and tolerance when we do not remain anchored to impossible desires, the same ones that sometimes interfere with our love.
3. Recognize the negative aspects
Falling in love, and not love, easily leads us to idealize people and situations. Sometimes we attribute to them virtues and characteristics which, in reality, they do not have or which they possess only to a modest extent. To dilute these mental constructions, it is also important to evaluate the negative elements.
What defects does the person we think we love so much has? What unsatisfactory aspects are there or were there in the situations we shared with him or her? How do we imagine these defects and errors would manifest themselves in about ten years? These are the questions we need to ask ourselves and which we should try to answer with total honesty. Eventually our perspective on the relationship will likely be more realistic.
4. Accept that the time has come to forget
This is the hardest step. It has been verified that when a person wishes to have a love affair with someone and this is not possible, reactions similar to those of a drug addict occur during withdrawal syndrome. Emotional, and even physical, malaise is sometimes difficult to tolerate.
And, just as it happens when you suffer from addiction, the hardest part is accepting that it exists, which generates a deep sadness, in front of which one feels powerless. It sounds hard to admit, but it's not. Sometimes we are able to invent and rationalize any pretext for not accepting that, in fact, we are victims of an addiction. When we can accept it, then we will have given the most important step that focuses and clarifies the next ones.
5. Eliminate constraints and suppress memories
After accepting that the time has come to abandon this impossible love, to follow we must begin to cut all the constraints that exist. This means not calling, not encouraging new encounters, distancing oneself from his friends and doing everything possible to break the bonds maintained with the person. In particular, breaking the links that exist in social networks, real enemies of the process.
According to this same logic, it is necessary to suppress the memories. Delete the photographs, remove the gifts. If you are not ready to discard them, just gather them and store them in a place that is difficult to access. If, on the other hand, we are more sure of our decision, we can break everything. It is a way to blur and dilute the presence of that impossible love.
6. Change your routine, look for something new
It is time to start a new phase. Impossible love, perhaps, has occupied many of our hours, our days and even our years. Letting go won't be easy at all. However, if we decide to make this change, little by little everything will become simpler. Certainly there are things that we have always wanted to do, but that for one reason or another we have always postponed. This is the right time to carry out these pending activities.
The time of the final farewell is also the time to venture out to discover new activities or new places. Traveling is always an excellent alternative. What do you think? It is equally helpful to explore our skills, take a class to help us meet new people, or have an interesting hobby. Life goes on and there are thousands of things to do.
7. Give time to time
There are loves and loves, and some of them leave marks so deep that they do not go away despite the numerous swings of the tides. An impossible love almost always takes root for a long time and is opposed to being uprooted. It is a goal that, in any case, cannot be achieved overnight. It requires determination, courage and character. It will be difficult and there will be small relapses, but it will also help to grow.
If we are clear that we cannot continue to feed a love that cannot exist, if we cut the ties and propose to start a new life, little by little that person will move to occupy a different place in our mind and in our heart. Over time, we will experience greater inner peace; we will find that this process of loving and then letting go has taught us a lot and allowed us to grow.
Giving up the impossible is a daily action and in love it could not be otherwise. Unintentionally, many of us are incurable dreamers. We don't adapt so easily to the idea that limits exist and that sometimes we have no alternative but to accept that fact. The wonderful thing is that by colliding with the boundaries of our possibilities and accepting them, we also take a definitive step that will teach us to be better.
We must not regret anything we have experienced, even the frustrations that make us suffer so much, because then they will turn into the seed of our greatest successes. They are also the foundation on which we build an adult personality. It is necessary to have a way of being in which to understand that the limit of one's amorous fantasies lies in what others freely desire.
Images courtesy of Maria Wasick, Henn Kim
