Last update: 31 March, 2020
The absence of a loved one, whom we love very much, is a source of suffering for all of us. Even though loving and losing what we love is a constant in life, we never completely resign ourselves to this loss. It is as if, despite the awareness that not everything can last forever, we refuse to accept it. It is a kind of psychological rebellion, since a real rebellion is unfortunately impossible.
Many times we seem to experience a contradiction between head and heart. The head tells us that we have to accept that lack, but something inside of us refuses to completely give up and accept that loss.
"Sometimes, when a person is missing, it seems the whole world is uninhabited."
-Lamartine-
This happens because both the presence and absence of a loved one provoke reactions in areas over which we have very little control. In love, as well as in mourning, there are many physiological processes involved. Physical alterations occur that are beyond our understanding and ability to manage. This is what is explained by the so-called "antagonistic process theory".
The theory of the antagonistic process
The theory of the antagonistic process was developed by Solomon and Corbit in 1974. According to this hypothesis, our brain would tend to seek emotional balance. And the path he chooses to achieve this is the neutralization of emotions. To do this, complete the following recurring operation: when an intense emotion occurs, which causes us to lose stability, the brain's response consists in creating an opposite emotion, also called "corrective emotional stimulus".
According to this theory, this response stimulus is weak at first, but gradually gains strength. Starting from this principle, we can partially explain what happens in an addictive process, for example what occurs in the brain after an emotional loss.
When the initial emotion appears, it is very strong. There is nothing that limits it and for this reason it reaches its maximum intensity level. This is what happens, for example, in falling in love. However, little by little the opposite stimulus begins to emerge. Although it is almost imperceptible at first, its intensity increases to neutralize the initial emotion.
The antagonistic process and the absence of a loved one
At the brain level, the loss of a loved one has effects similar to those of the withdrawal crisis experienced by sufferers addiction to some substance. In both cases there is an initial stimulus and a corrective stimulus.
Let's take alcohol as an example. When we drink it, a series of euphoric reactions occur in our body. We lose our inhibitions and we are as if “anesthetized” in front of any eternal stimulus. The next day, the opposite happens. We often feel depressed, insecure, and there are those who want to return to the initial urge by continuing to drink.
In the case of affects, the initial stimulus is the affect itself. There is an attachment, a need for that person. We are happy to see you. Especially in couples, the initial emotional stimulus is very strong. At the same time, however, the opposite stimulus appears. And for this reason, over time, the intensity of the beginnings loses ground, in favor of a certain "neutrality" of feelings.
However, when there is a lack, whether it is because that person voluntarily goes away or because he dies, an imbalance occurs within us. The initial stimulus disappears and only the corrective stimulus remains which, in turn, intensifies. All this causes very unpleasant sensations in us: sadness, irritability and all the emotions involved in bereavement.
A chemical question
We must not forget that emotions also have an organic component. This means that each emotion corresponds to a physiological process within the body and chemical changes in the brain. When we love someone, we do it not only with the soul, but also with the chemical elements of the periodic table and with their manifestation in the organism.
For this reason, the absence of a loved one doesn't just generate an emotional void. The people we love also generate high levels of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. When they are gone, the body experiences an imbalance that, at least initially, cannot be leveled. It takes time for a new antagonistic process to occur: in the face of that intense negative emotion there will be a new "corrective stimulus" that will restore balance.
What do we need to know all this for? Simply to understand that the absence of a loved one has strong repercussions both on the mind and on the body; that it is inevitable that the loss will be followed by a rebalancing process that will take some time. Very often it is enough to give us time and allow all those processes to be completed by our body. Just have faith: we are designed in such a way that we can regain balance.
