Last update: April 09, 2018
Couple arguments are inevitable, but that doesn't make them more bearable, especially when the causes are always the same. Maddening, right? Are you tired of arguing with your partner always for the usual reasons? Isn't it all very clear already? After all the times you have addressed that topic ...
The good news is that it is possible to find a deal that cuts the huge amount of time we waste on discussing a particular issue. First of all, it is a question of identifying the source of the problem. On the other hand, many times we don't argue about a specific topic, but rather get involved in general discussions. In this case, a different strategy must be implemented that is structured around the specific problems that fuel the confrontation in each couple.
"Just as communication is the most important element of a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element."
-John Gray, in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus -
Discussing with the partner: educational model based on relational discord
One of the main reasons that leads many couples to argue constantly is the educational model learned from the parents; not the act of arguing itself, but that it is not possible to manage couple conflicts. Consequently, we learn to use strategies to keep the discussion alive over time. One such strategy is to recycle arguments: repeating them over and over using different words, thus giving the feeling that there is always something new to add.
Just as parents went on with the same arguments every time they wanted to let off steam, children do it with their partner. In reality, you want to demonstrate the superiority of your position, not understanding the perspective of others in order to reach a compromise that is good for both and that serves to restore harmony.
In other words, many couples argue why they have assimilated a model based on relational discord. This model goes against the idea that it is possible to deal with a conflict productively. Basically, it hides a very clear message: relationship problems are not reconcilable, and the only way to get out of them and overcome frustration is to intimidate the other more than the other intimidates us. Therefore, a process is established that goes on until both are too tired and distressed to stop for exhaustion, very often having forgotten the reasons for which the discussion began.
The solution lies, in the first place, in identifying whether this brand applies in our discussions as a couple. Do we recycle the same topics, discussion after discussion? Do our discussions resemble those of our parents? Do we know why we are arguing? Do we start the quarrels always starting from the same questions and protests? Do we automatically react to certain situations, like a spring, and start arguing without brakes?
Now think about what your parents' relationship was like. Healthy? Did it end well? Were they a happy couple? If you don't want the same to happen to you, you begin to change course and get used to the idea that it is possible to manage couple conflicts. It is possible to live without arguing with the partner all day, making the confrontations culminate in an agreement and not in a truce that lasts only until you recover your strength, starting the same old story again as soon as the energy levels return. tall.
It is possible to reach an agreement, but one must begin to really believe in it, eliminating the automatism of one's answers, reprogramming the reactions to the triggering reasons - which must naturally be identified. In this sense, it is necessary to cultivate the idea that most of the differences in the relationship are reconcilable.
"It's not what we say that hurts, but the way we say it."
-John Gray, in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus-
Self-protection when feeling vulnerable with your partner
Getting angry with each other is also a way of protecting ourselves, especially when we feel under attack and vulnerable. It is a reaction born of a feeling of threat, which leads us to counterattack and try to win the battle to avoid exposing ourselves.
Often, perhaps too much, we are dependent on the opinion and evaluations of our partner. When he questions our skills, our intelligence or our virtues, we feel that our self-esteem is seriously compromised, in other words, we feel vulnerable. This is why we feel the need to defend ourselves, to neutralize the feeling of vulnerability.
On the other hand, when we try to defend ourselves in this way, it is easy to end up attacking the other on those points where he feels most vulnerable, blaming him for our problems without measuring the pain we can cause with our recriminations. What was previously fear can now become a feeling of power and strength thanks to the increase in adrenaline, which does nothing but fuel this poisonous attitude in the long run.
In such circumstances, when anger does not struggle to surface, we tend to forget to listen to our partner. We remember that we are trying to "defend ourselves". The solution is to learn to value ourselves, to strengthen our ego without conditioning others, to seek our path of personal growth and enrichment, accepting ourselves unconditionally with all our weaknesses.
Many times we argue because we see the reflection of our problems in the other. But if we are able to accept ourselves and be understanding, compassionate and benevolent, to forgive ourselves, we will be able to treat it the same way. The solution also lies in seeking a different perspective with empathy and understanding. Identifying the position of others, while different from your own, will help moderate anger and maintain control.
"What a waste it would be, I said to myself, to wear down our story by leaving too much room for bad feelings: bad feelings are inevitable, but the essential thing is to stem them".
-Elena Ferrante, in History of the lost child-
Some differences between partners are irreconcilable
When discussing with your partner some differences emerge that, by nature or ideology, simply cannot be resolved. These irresoluble discrepancies can be adapted, even accepted, but that does not make them compatible.
Since such distances are difficult to reduce, even with an effort, it is easy for problems to arise. Even if we know where the differences are, we irrationally end up feeling threatened by those discrepancies. In fact, arguing with your partner for ideological or personal reasons can actually be a technique of self-affirmation and rebellion in the face of the feeling of alienation.
The solution to overcoming these irreconcilable differences, regardless of their nature, is to identify them and simply exclude them from the conversation. In other words, one must strive to appreciate and respect these unalterable differences. It is necessary to focus on the points for which an agreement is possible, without considering the partner's ideas or her way of being as a threat to her own ideas and way of being.
