Far from doing us good, being too demanding with ourselves and the mania for control only cause us discomfort.
Last update: 03 September, 2020
We live in a society full of work, social and family needs, and it is difficult, if not impossible, not to have your own personal needs. In this article we see because it is counterproductive to be too demanding of yourself and to have a mania for control.
Sometimes it is extremely difficult to take a break when society is going so fast, we have endless pending tasks, various agendas that "help" us to organize and optimize the time, commitments to fulfill and home or family tasks that we have to carry out. term.
"Am I a good mother?", "If I stay late, my work will be valued more", "I can't go wrong", "Do my friends respect me?" ... These are just some of the so many questions that those who cannot stop being too demanding are asked with himself.
Being too demanding of yourself
The parameters that we impose ourselves to respect can lead us to the mistaken belief of having to achieve perfection, if not in all, in most areas of our life.
Setting goals gives meaning to our life. However, we often set ourselves unattainable, idealized or unrealistic goals, like never being late for work.
I have to vs I want: the eternal dilemma
Do the objectives we propose depend solely and exclusively on us? In other words, are they achievable based on our personal qualities or resources, or do they also depend on circumstances, environment and relationships?
So, let's ask ourselves if we really want undertake the path towards achieving a specific purpose or if we feel it rather as an obligation imposed by society, the environment or our beliefs.
In this regard, we could carry out the following reflection task: we separate the activities to be carried out during the day in "obligations" and "choices". In the first we will write “I must” and in the second “I want or would like”. Let's see a very simple example:
“I have to stay home this weekend because I have to clean, put on a couple of washing machines and iron. But I want to go to the beach because I would like to unplug from the whole working week and lie down to rest ".
The need to distinguish between obligation and choice
Being too demanding of yourself means that the mind starts thinking about the pros and cons for each of the options "do housework" or "rest on the beach". And this is where the need for control emerges, to structure our life according to what is desirable, what is expected of us or the ideal we have built in our heads.
In most cases we will boycott our desire to go to the beach with the excuse that if we go, on Monday we will have accumulated too many household chores, which will combine with schoolwork, other commitments, etc.
And it's this anxious and negative anticipation it causes makes us feel chained, which causes in us the obsession of not having made the most of the time available and the fear of not being productive. The simple fact of thinking like this encourages us to stay at home and makes us say: "it will be for another time."
Choose and discard
Life is constantly changing and we cannot, even if we wish, have everything under control. Being too demanding of ourselves will lead us to making decisions based on our concerns and needs, and not about our personal pleasures or desires for health and well-being.
Choosing not to keep absolute and constant control of our lives will free us from the stress, pressure, frustration or helplessness generated by self-imposed obligations and an ideal of excellence or perfection. By freeing ourselves from this burden, we will finally be able to:
- Being ourselves, without internal judges who criticize how well or badly we do things.
- Loving ourselves as we are, making mistakes and valuing our personal qualities.
- Be assertive, say "no" from time to time without feeling guilty.
- Take care of our physical and mental health.
- Recognize our results, valuing the efforts made to achieve them.
- Be our priority, listen to our needs without feeling selfish.
Learn to adapt so as not to be too demanding
"We strive every day to achieve the impossible," says Tal Ben-Shahar, a Harvard lecturer, in his book Happiness in Your Pocket, noting that about 86 percent of people tend to be too demanding of themselves. Nevertheless, the main cause of their unhappiness is the constant pursuit of perfection.
Learning to "take your foot off the accelerator" or "put the handbrake" is not an easy task, but it is very rewarding when we can. In the meantime, we may discover the following:
- Take the road to self-knowledge.
- Working on emotional management, removing from our life what causes us discomfort.
- Choose freely, balancing the balance between "I must" and "I want".
- Changing the focus of our life by pursuing happiness based on our health and well-being.
It is worth a try. After all, it costs nothing.
