The strategy of blaming others for escaping responsibility and the cost of mistakes doesn't work. Ultimately, by doing so we falsify relationships with others, putting obstacles to our personal growth.
Last update: May 29, 2020
Blaming others is a strategy that children often resort to. Their cognitive and moral development prevents them from grasping the importance of assuming their responsibilities, rather prompting them to evade punishment when they know they have done wrong.
But there are also many adults who still show this behavior in various situations. Blaming others first becomes a habit and then a strategy in people with high levels of narcissism or low autonomy.
This behavior presupposes an evolutionary arrest of emotions and values. Those who act in this way suffer and make those around them suffer.
Often behind this pattern of deresponsibilization there is fear, repressed anger and sadness. And if you do not opt ​​for healthier strategies in dealing with others, these feelings could persist and become even more intense. At the same time, it is not an effective strategy, but one that multiplies the difficulties.
Playing fair is not blaming others for our mistakes.
-Eric Hoffer-
The reasons that lead to blame others
Broadly speaking, there are two main reasons why some people opt to blame others as a conflict management strategy.
The first is narcissism, the second is the lack of autonomy. We might think that these two aspects are mutually exclusive, but this is not the case. Very often, in fact, they go hand in hand.
A person may develop excessive narcissism to compensate for a sense of inferiority. Here comes a paradox. She believes she should be loved or recognized, but she doesn't do what it takes to get that love or gratitude. Not being able to do it bothers her and she decides to blame others for everything she fails to achieve.
The second reason for adopting this strategy is the lack of autonomy. As it happens in children, one is dependent on authority and one fears punishment. Then others are blamed for avoiding the consequences; the result is an increase in the degree of dependence and the development of a sense of responsibility is hindered.
What is achieved by blaming others?
Blaming others generates some apparent successes. The first is that the ego remains intact. When we make a mistake and recognize it, we are implicitly declaring that we are imperfect, therefore that we are not always right. In the absence of humility, this is an intolerable wound.
The difficulty of accepting mistakes is not the result of an excess of self-love, but of great insecurity. Some people feel that making a mistake takes their courage away or questions their abilities or merits.
If, on the other hand, we show self-confidence, a mistake or a mistake is perceived as normal and is experienced as a source of learning.
Other times you choose to blame others because by doing so you escape the consequences of your actions and you avoid paying the price. In other words, a childish way of escaping both responsibility and guilt. Those who do this hide from themselves and lose the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to grow.
What we lose with this strategy
Those who systematically blame others for their mistakes, sufferings and shortcomings harm themselves and others.
First of all, it lacks sincerity in relationships. With these premises it is very difficult to build healthy bonds, on the contrary the tendency is to favor toxic relationships. Building genuine bonds is one of the main elements that values ​​life.
These give confidence, strengthen identity and nurture courage. Artificial or manipulated bonds, on the other hand, only generate the feeling of loneliness in the face of a threatening world.
On the other hand, those who refuse to assume their responsibilities give up growing by learning from their mistakes. This stagnation ends up affecting emotions and distorting the perception of reality. Eventually, one's paranoid and harmful attitude is fueled.
The antidote for this tendency to blame others is humility. Unlike what many think, learning to take responsibility for one's actions, mistakes and uncertainties does not weaken, but rather strengthens, favoring personal development.
