We have learned to remove everything that causes us discomfort, it is the basis for survival as a species on this planet. But what happens when we have to distance ourselves from what makes us happy?
Last update: May 02, 2020
When we talk about achieving happiness, we cannot forget the responsibility we have towards ourselves. Unfortunately, the emotional education we receive from an early age points us on the wrong path; the question we are used to answering and which causes us a profound discomfort is "Can I live without you?". We should learn to replace it with another: "Can I live without me?".
Psychology helps us understand and internalize the line of work on which acceptance and commitment therapy and other contextual therapies are based. Acceptance stand out, self-awareness and self-knowledge as the main objective of the therapeutic process. This approach becomes crucial to achieving and maintaining well-being.
“You cannot generate life if you are not impregnated with life. You will speak with passion and emotion only if you veer with passion and emotion. The best way to appear is to be. The only way to be unique is to be authentic ”.
-Francisco Alcaide-
La ricerca della felicitĂ
The main goal in the life of all people is to be happy, that is, to achieve well-being along with one's dreams. But have you ever had the feeling that everything you believed true about the pursuit of happiness was a lie? What if it only adds to our malaise? What if the efforts made to achieve happiness were driving us away from it?
Studies on contextual therapies, specifically those centered on acceptance and commitment therapy (Steven C. Hayes and Wilson, 1994), they speak of the existence of a series of useless and inexact beliefs regarding the pursuit of happiness.
These are principles that, at first glance, might seem significant. Closely analyzed, however, they refer to a philosophy of life that it is clearly the cause and the engine of a vicious circle in which we get stuck in the search for an alleged happiness.
They push us to entering a spiral where the more we seek well-being, the greater the suffering becomes. Let's talk about ideas commonly accepted by society (of course, everyone knows they are true!). Thus we end up falling into a psychological trap of which we are not aware and which leads us hopelessly to self-deception and dissatisfaction.
Can I live without me?
Living without oneself involves getting away from everything that makes you happy only because it can cause you to feel unwell.
We know that behind every effort there is a reward. We spend hours locked up studying to pass an exam, play sports to feel better, fall in love with the risk of not being paid, and even forgo an immediate reward in the hope of receiving more in the future.
However, sometimes the fear of suffering, of failing, of being rejected and not looking beautiful leads to action to avoid fear at all costs. But avoid or run away from potentially dangerous situations risks removing everything that makes sense in one's life, therefore for oneself.
Being genuine helps you to live every moment of life with awareness. Appreciating the here and now allows you to become aware of everything you feel, think and feel. To do this, as the psychologist and coach Laura Chica suggests, we must focus on ourselves and not on the outside world:
"We were told that we would find everything out there:
the solution to problems,
unconditional love,
the success.
This is why we have always looked for it there;
in the world,
in things,
in the others.
Nobody ever told us all that
we were looking outside
he was actually inside;
that everything we wanted to be,
in reality we already were,
it was enough just to let us be;
because everything we allowed ourselves to dream,
we could make it happen.
Until today.
Until now.
Up to you.
Experience the magic of being yourself ".
-Laura Girl-
Experiential avoidance disorder
Experiential avoidance disorder - a path to selfless living - it is a phenomenon that moves away from private experiences that make one feel unfortunate. When we suffer from this condition, our behavior is aimed at avoiding, controlling or modifying the consequences (catastrophic thoughts, painful emotions…) that such private events cause.
Avoiding, running away or attacking feared facts is not compatible with psychological acceptance. This, for its part, teaches us to do nothing: to face our emotional experience by putting aside the malaise. To admit and tolerate private events and your situation without trying to change or avoid it.
Definitely, avoidance of experiences and psychological acceptance are two incompatible behavioral strategies when you are trapped in an unpleasant situation.
Living without oneself is a condition that leads to moving away from what is important to oneself, whether it is out of fear, laziness, fear of what others will say or because you are experiencing a bad phase in your life.
We must not forget that avoidance and escape take us away from our goals and objectives. Becoming aware of yourself and becoming accountable for your own emotional management are the only fundamental change strategies promoted by ACT (Acceptance and Compromise Therapy).
