Today we talk about Leon Festinger's famous theory of cognitive dissonance. We will focus on an area where it has a rather obvious effect due to the damage it produces when it is poorly managed: emotional addiction.
Last update: May 07, 2022
Cognitive dissonance is a classic concept in psychology, defined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. It refers to the fact that, in general, we try to maintain an internal consistency between our beliefs, our values ​​and our behaviors.
When this balance is threatened, people feel uncomfortable and try to restore it. Cognitive dissonance is a very common psychological effect and we have all, to a greater or lesser extent, experienced it at least once. Today we will focus on its effect on affective addiction (emotional state).
Very often we are not aware of this dissonance; when we recognize it on this level, it is easy for us to start implementing some strategies - even unconsciously - to deal with it: or we tend to belittle our behavior ("it doesn't matter", "you have to die of something") or we deceive ourselves ("I'm sure it will change").
In other cases, we can also change our opinion, try to influence others to change theirs and even adopt strategies to avoid confrontation with others. An example is: "Yes, that's right, he died of lung cancer from smoking, but he had a family history and I didn't."
Cognitive dissonance in emotional addiction is a rather recurring theme. When someone is immersed in a toxic relationship, deep down they know perfectly well that it would be better to get out of it.
However, something prevents him from doing so. The fear of loneliness and the pain are stronger than the malaise you experience every day in a destructive relationship.
When duty collides with need
Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence appears when the person feels that every day next to the partner is like a sentence.
Whether the partner humiliates her, cancels her, is aggressive, unfaithful or triggers continuous discussions ... The result is that, progressively, the self-esteem of the dependent person is increasingly weaker.
When the emotional addict has a moment of lucidity, opens his eyes and is able to contemplate this reality, he becomes aware of the pain he is suffering. In this trance, the thought of him revolves around "I have to end this relationship because it hurts."
But unfortunately, emotional dependence contains within it an even more powerful and dangerous element: the fear of rejection and loneliness.
Instead of acting in response to "I must end this relationship" and restore coherence, the person takes refuge in "I need this person to not be alone " and, therefore, perpetuates the usual behavior.
The individual persists in a toxic relationship and generates a very annoying cognitive dissonance: this situation hurts me and I should escape, but the mirage of a possible loneliness terrifies me.
Cognitive dissonance in affective addiction it is even more unpleasant when everyone close to them, or so the subject thinks them, clearly see that the person should end the relationship.
With the best of intentions and with the pretense of being helpful, they send messages and advice on how he should act: "But why don't you leave him if he cheats on you?", "You shouldn't accept that he talks to you like this", " Leave her before it's too late. '
All this, obviously, generates an even greater internal conflict and the dependent individual can even go so far as to repudiate these people and interrupt relationships to prevent this dissonance from increasing.
Cognitive dissonance in this emotional sphere increases the more people - especially if dear ones - are against the relationship that there is generates and our behavior.
Cognitive dissonance in emotional addiction: excuses and self-deception
In the context of toxic relationships, justifications and self-deception are very common strategies for reducing the discomfort produced by cognitive dissonance. So, people end up believing in the system of lies they have created, in order to maintain the idea of ​​coherence.
Cognitive dissonance in toxic relationships gives us the key to help us recognize self-deception. The most important is the emotional track.
When a person is involved in a harmful relationship and their behavior generates dissonance, they are unwell. Sometimes it can end up suffering depressive episodes, with all that derives from it: insomnia, inappetence, apathy ...
If we are not well, we feel a continuous malaise or the feeling of being out of place, perhaps we should review our inner dialogue and try to understand how we are deceiving ourselves to find ourselves in this situation once again.
Another strategy to understand that we are sabotaging ourselves is think about the possible rupture and live it as if it were a bottomless abyss. This tells us that we are terrified of the uncertainty that can arise from the future after a change.
This can translate into an extreme need to stay close to the partner, not so much for love, but because we think we can't be alone: ​​I don't trust my abilities, my resources, my potential ...
Starting therapy is essential for learning to recognize these mental pitfalls, with which we try to secure a known, even if not desired, future.
In this sense, psychological therapy can help us reduce dissonance by using harmless strategies. The idea is to advance in the direction of confrontation with reality.
