Misunderstandings, different values, words that are not forgotten ... The distance between some family members can be due to different causes. And it happens more often than we think.
Last update: April 13, 2022
Coldness between family members does not happen overnight. Usually it macerates slowly after accumulating an excess of disappointments, silent grudges towards certain behaviors, words spoken or silences that chill the emotions. These dynamics can occur in the family unit and leave wounds that do not heal.
Parents and children, brothers, uncles, cousins, grandparents ... We have most likely experienced this reality ourselves with more than one family member. Physical distance, and especially emotional distance, occurs more often than we think.
A family member who no longer comes to visit us, who does not wish us a birthday or call to find out how we are. For many it is natural. It is not easy to get along with everyone in the family.
However, this situation becomes more problematic when it arises between parents and children. Although it is clear that blood ties do not guarantee affection nor are they an imposition to maintain the relationship, such a situation can be experienced with a certain sadness.
Coldness between family members, what are the causes?
Affective distancing in the family is a neglected topic in the scientific literature. One has, for example, the work done by neuropsychiatrist Richard Conti, of Kean University in New Jersey.
Research reveals that these situations do they occur frequently and to a greater extent among cousins, uncles and nephews. However, it is in the close family unit (parents and children) that anxiety and psychological exhaustion occur.
It also happens among public figures, who talk about it publicly, showing that moving away from their respective families is a common situation. This is the case of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex who left the British royal family to start their life in another country. Anthony Hopkins, for example, has stated more than once that he hasn't spoken to his daughter in nearly twenty years.
Seen from the outside, it can seem sad and even incomprehensible. However, the dynamics that are intertwined in a home and between a group of people can be very complex.
Salvador Minuchin, a leading psychiatrist and family therapist, said that growing up and maturing means learning to separate. However, there are separations that happen in a painful and even distorted way, creating eternal wounds. Let us now try to understand what are the causes of emotional distancing in the family.
Different expectations and values
How do we conceive of life? What do we expect from ourselves? What are our values? Often when we answer these questions, we find that our relatives have opposite ideas to ours.
However, this shouldn't be a problem. The best families aren't the ones who always get along, but those that are respected despite the differences.
However, this rarely happens. The coldness between family members is often due to the clash of irreconcilable values ​​and expectations. There are parents who place high expectations on their children and children who do not fit the views of their parents.
Behaviors that wear down relationships
Emotionally cold mothers, authoritarian fathers, selfish children, violent communication and impulsive behavior… An infinite number of unhealthy dynamics can be combined in a home, many of which are often caused by undiagnosed psychological disorders. Others for personality styles that clash.
Character and behavioral diversity can create misunderstandings by creating, hurting and making coexistence unbearable. Little by little, the distancing becomes more and more evident.
The children leave the home and visits and contacts are sparse until the time comes when the bond runs out forever.
Often you can feel relief from distance, from not finding yourself in painful and problematic situations. Despite the silence, however, sometimes the shadow of sadness and disappointment continues to weigh.
Partner of the children, divorce or death of one of the parents
The coldness between family members can be explained by the presence of new figures in the family unit or, in turn, by the absence of one of them.
- Sometimes the children's partners force the family bond to be reformulated.
- The same happens in the case of separation or divorce of the parents. If one of the parents has a new partner, the relationship between family members may change.
- When a parent dies, relationships with those left over can also cool down. This occurs especially if the children had a good relationship with the deceased parent, which results in conflicting dynamics with the parent with whom they never got along.
Traumatic situations and coldness among family members
There is another decisive factor at the origin of emotional distancing in the family: trauma. Physical or psychological abuse, mistreatment, alcohol or drug use and the resulting dynamics often cause insurmountable wounds that explain the progressive breakdown of the bond.
There are many triggers for the rupture of the relationship between the members of a family unit. However, it should be noted that this distance is usually justified: conflicts, suffering, domestic violence.
Although distance is sometimes necessary, society continues to view this with disapproval. The family is conceived as a sacred institution, yet sometimes it can be the theater and origin of our unhappiness.
